Chapter 5: The Clock Shop Prose in Veron | World Anvil
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Chapter 5: The Clock Shop

Kira closed the door of her hover carriage and thought for a moment before speaking to her driver.   "Take me to the chateau" she said.   The driver nodded and eased the vehicle back into the street. Kira mused in silence while they navigated back toward her house. She was thinking about the dark bunny; Paradox, as he called himself. if it was true that he had done all his feats in the street without a psionic stimulation device, well, she wasn't sure what it meant. However, she did know someone who might.   The hover carriage pulled up to Kira's chateau and she pushed the door open before the vehicle had stopped. Kira strode into the front door, startling her butler as she entered.   "Duchess!" He said. "We were not expecting-"   "Don't bother" Kira interrupted. "I'm here to see my father and then I'm gone."   Simon wilted a bit and returned to dusting the furniture.   Kira navigated to the upper levels and into the less-used side of the building. There, she stopped before a decorated door and took a short breath before stepping in.   Inside, the high windows on the far end of the room illuminated worktables full of junk and a spacious bed that looked nearly forgotten in the corner. To Kira's right, a hunched silver-gray bunny was tinkering with a small clock absentmindedly. Kira wasn't sure if she should interrupt him, but before she could decide, he looked up in her direction. His eyes were unfocused, but they lit up when they alighted on her.   "Kira? Snow-cheeks, is that you?"   Kira smiled at the nickname. It had been awhile since she'd heard it. "It's me, papa." she said.   "It's been so long since you've visited me." Said the old bunny. "c-mere; sit down. take a look at this."   Kira took a seat next to her father, taking a look at the clock he had been working on. it was a welcome diversion from her trying day.   The problem was that when the clock struck twelve, the bells that should have sounded came out as a simple tink, rather than the melodious sound of the brass bells inside. Kira took the timepiece from her father and began rooting around in the back, looking for a defect.   "you checked the hammer?" Kira asked.   "Yes. It should be functioning properly." Her father said back.   Kira took a look at the bells. they were intact, with no visible damage. Kira flicked one with a claw. Tink. That wasn't right. Kira rooted around behind the bells and found a small loose gear that didn't fit any of the clock's mechanisms. Placing it on the table, Kira flicked the bell again. It sang with renewed clarity now.   "You fixed it!" the old bunny said, hearing the bell.   "I think so." Kira said with satisfaction. "Let's see."   Kira wound the clock to 11:59 and waited a bit. Bong... Bong... Bong it sang, continuing until there were twelve harmonizing notes hanging in the air.   "Wha'd you do?" Kira's father questioned.   "There was something stuck against the bells." Kira said, grabbing the errant gear and handing it to her father. "You really need to clean out your work space."   "Oh ho!" Her father said in mock incredulity. "So now you're telling me how to run my shop, is that it?"   "Oh no!" Kira said, smiling. "Stars forbid I should know better than my father how to run a clock shop!"   "oh well the stars might forbid it." said the gray bunny, "but you'd do it anyway. You always did have a mind of your own." His smile faded, just a bit, as he continued. "you know, we really ought to get to opening that clock shop sometime soon."   Kira's smile faded too. "Papa... we talked about this..."   "I know. I know." Her father said. "You have to make sure things go smoothly around here."   "I just have a few things that I have to do while I'm here." Kira said. "Then, I'll resign, we can get that shop, and we can argue all day about how clean your work space is."   Papa smiled again. "Well, I hope whatever you wanna do doesn't take too long. I'll love it when we can build things together, like the old days."   Kira thought this was a good time to ask about what she came here for. "Um, speaking of the old days, papa," she began; "I was wondering if you could tell me about a few of the old stories."   "Oh?" papa said. "What kind of old stories do you wanna hear?"   Kira took a deep breath internally. "The ones about the war... the one with the dark folk."   a shadow passed over Papa's face. "snow-cheeks, that's a- a very old story. Are you sure you don't want something- something else?"   Kira put her paw on Papa's lap. "Please" she said. "It's important."   Papa smacked his lips a bit before answering. "well, seeing as how it's important... Just a second; let me remember. Long ago, us members of the light tribe came here, to serropa, from across the sea. When we did we found another tribe here; the ones that lived in the forest. Now, not long after we settled here, this tribe of dark-furred folk found us and told us that this was their land now and we should git. We didn't take too well to them, neither. Before long there was a war between the two of us, them trying to drive us away, and us trying to survive here. Turns out that might have been a mistake, 'cause those dark folk had secret evil powers, and they knew how to use them."   "What kind of powers?" Kira said, gently prodding papa in that direction.   "All kinds, All kinds." Papa said. "Mostly bad, though. they'd throw fireballs and lightning and conjure swords from thin air. They summoned great big monsters and grow weeds around your feet so you couldn't get away. fighting them was a nightmare; one of them could take scores of us. It was only because we was so brave that our side won in the end. Now we got nothing to worry about but politicans."   Kira chuckled a bit at that last part. She didn't think that it had ever clicked in Papa's brain that she was a politician now, too.   Then Kira asked another question. "Pa, do you think, maybe, that some of the dark folk could still be out there?"   Papa shook his head. "In the end, the light tribe raided the dark folk's village. Nobody was left. Not a single devil-loving one of them."   Kira wasn't convinced. "But... what if there were?" She prodded.   Papa's face reached a new level of concern. "If there were..." he said as he stared at her face, searching. "If there were, then we'd be smart to get rid of 'em. No good ever came from that black magic they did and nothing ever will."   The two bunnies let the silence hang for a bit.   "Alright then." Kira said. "I guess I'd better be going."   As she stood to leave, her Papa grabbed her paw gently.   "Snow-cheeks..." He began. "I- I hope- that is, I worry- I know you want to protect me from... whatever you're doing, but I just want you to know... I'm here for you. If you ever need help. with anything in the world."   Kira clasped his paw between her own. "I know papa, and thank you. Just you wait. we'll be opening that clock shop before you know it."   Kira gave her papa a long hug before retreating back out of the door.

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Jun 29, 2020 15:37 by R. Dylon Elder

Woooot ok. Chapter five. Here we go.     Found a sentence in need of a capital, "if it was true that he had done all his feats in..."   Also lemme highlight this here, "she pushed the door open before the vehicle had stopped." Excellent touch here. This shows us how eager she is to get to where she is going instead of just saying she's eager. We know she's eager already, and this drives it home. We don't know who she's talking about and don't know much about where she's going or why, only that its important. Awesome work.     "I'm here to see my father and then I'm gone." This is also interesting. It makes me wonder if she's eager because of what she hopes to gain, or if she's eager to get the hell out of there. it kind of implies that her relationship with her father is iffy at best. We shall see soon, I'm sure, but I wanted to make sure I say it in case this isn't what you want your readers to think. If it is, then job well done.   Now, backtracking. You do help divert the poor relationship idea, which I now know isn't the case. She seems to have a lovely relationship with her dad. The butler wilting is enough to divert it away, but possibly a little bit of her thoughts and why she is dismissive could help out, if you feel its even needed.     I love the idea of the clockshop. Its a lovely aesthetic and kind of explains alot about Kira and how she got to where she is without wasting time on all that back story stuff. It's elegant and stylish. Well done.       Ok so, what follows is a monologue. These are tricky, at least for me. It's a big block of text and it can get cumbersome, bordering on an exposition dump but being super important to give to the reader. I'd suggest doing some dialogue fu with this.     "well, seeing as how it's important... Just a second; let me remember." I'd pause here, giving a description of the old bunny remembering and then moving forward, "Long ago, us members of the light tribe came here, to serropa, from across the sea." Another pause could go here showing Kira as she no doubt leans in to hear the tale and it gives a great moment to make a new paragraph, avoiding a text wall. (He continued)"When we did (missing comma) we found another tribe here; the ones that lived in the forest. Now, not long after we settled here, this tribe of dark-furred folk found us and told us that this was their land now and we should git. We didn't take too well to them, neither." Pause and give another description of the speaker, maybe he pauses and kira hangs on every word. Why does he pause? Perhaps cause the war, something most people don't want to get to ina story, is next. "Before long there was a war between the two of us, them trying to drive us away, and us trying to survive here. Turns out that might have been a mistake, 'cause those dark folk had secret evil powers, and they knew how to use them."   Its all just suggestions and the like. I love doing this cause it FEELS like there's tons of action going on in between the words.       Ooof, and the close with a fond moment between child and parent. Excellent work here man. This was shorter than the others but its super important. Lots of good exposition here. Great work!

Jun 29, 2020 18:01

Thanks! I'll get to work breaking up that block of text in the next draft!   I think this might be everyone's favorite chapter. I certainly loved writing it!   How u like this edit:   Papa smacked his lips hesitantly before answering. "well, seeing as how it's important... Just a second; let me remember.” He leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds.“Long ago, us members of the light tribe came here, to Serropa, from across the sea. When we did, we found another tribe here; the ones that lived in the forest.” Papa paused before continuing, so Kira moved in to hold his paw. After a deep breath, he continued. “Now, not long after we settled here, this tribe of dark-furred folk found us and told us that this was their land now and we should git. We didn't take too well to them, neither. Before long fighting started between the two of us; them trying to drive us away, and us trying to survive here. Turns out that might have been a mistake, 'cause those dark folk had secret evil powers, and they knew how to use them."

Jun 29, 2020 18:07 by R. Dylon Elder

That is perfect. Exactly what I was talking abou, and you go the extra mile by inserting those little touches to show their relationship. Oof. Love it