Welcome to Terminal City, USA

Welcome Yoyodyne Faithful!

A Terminal City Primer

You have chosen to undertake a magnificent adventure on behalf of your employer, Yoyodyne Calculated Vectors and its parent company, Fallopian Consumer Products! We're so glad to have you! No other business in the history of mankind has attempted such a feat and we are proud to have you on our team!

What is this?

The handbook which you currently hold in your hands is a carefully crafted guide to ease your into your new home. Within its pages you will find all there is to know about Terminal City, USA. Should you ever need a copy, one can be found in every occupied home and business in Terminal City, stored conveniently beside a volume of The Collected Sayings of Michael Q. Fallopian As Told To His Prophet, Catherine Wheeler by The High-Priestess Catherine Wheeler of The Church of the Hidden Hand. Should you misplace your copy of either volume, have no fear. A new copy will appear in its place, stored in its proper place in your home at a modest expense.

What am I doing here?

We're glad you asked! You're probably feeling a little confused and disoriented right now and Yoyodyne physicians have assured us that this is perfectly fine and natural. Yoyodyne Legal has advised us, the party of Yoydyne Human Resources, that an orientation packet may help ease you into your new surroundings. First we'd like to let you know that that we could not be any prouder of you. You have been selected for this project based on the following strict criteria:

• A review of your personality.
• A careful analysis of your career trajectory.
• The results of your IQ and Meyers-Briggs testing.
• The rigorous physical and psychological trials you endured during training camp.
• The responses you submitted to the compulsory employee survey which measured your loyalty to the futurist vision of our great CEO, Michael Q. Fallopian, and your enthusiasm for his philosophy of Rational Self-Interest, Rugged Individualism, and Esoteric Libtertarianism.

The Yoyodyne Board of Trustees would like to assure you that any feelings of trepidation or terror you may experience in the coming hours, days, or weeks will subside. You may also experience a temporary loss of memory with periods of amnesia expected to last no more than 72 hours. To help you on your way, Yoyodyne Human Resources has assembled this wonderful guide to acquaint you with all the modern conveniences and ameninities that Terminal City has to offer.

Important! Do not hesitate to report to a Phone Company-approved physician should you experience prolonged delusions of grandeur, Capgras Syndrome, or Cotard's Delusion for periods lasting longer than 24 hours. And bear in mind that the contract you signed with Yoyodyne Calculated Vectors is a legally binding document (available upon request for review at the Terminal City Municipal Archive) and the duration of your stay was negotiated at that time and may not be altered without the review of Yoydyne legal and your own legal representation.

On behalf of all of us at Yoyodyne Calculated Vectors and Terminal City, USA, welcome!

Terminal City now! Terminal City forever! Meliora, non est effugium.

First published, 1972. Last revision, 1986.