Brother Salsa's House of Funk

So, what do adherents of the House of Funk believe in? It’s complicated.
What is Funk? Only true believers will understand.
What kind of rituals do they perform? Seeing is believing.
Who is Brother Salsa? The truth would shock you.


Convinced by any of these non-answers? Great, so were a lot of other people. After all, everyone loves a good mystery!


Now boasting over fifty dedicated CyberFunks, almost all of them middle-aged men, the cult is starting to gain more attention in Heywood, where Salsa holds his sermons out of a derelict pre-Collapse disco that is somehow still standing. Attention does not mean legitimacy, however, and while people are definitely curious no one takes them very seriously. Yet.


While they don't seem to believe in much outside of this nebulous concept of "Funk", and no one has any real idea what that even means even within the cult, they give themselves to it fully and completely. Believers are expected to swap their hair for Cyber-afros (Brother Salsa himself sports a very large fish tank in roughly the right shape, and yes, he's had to get plated up completely on his neck to help carry the weight. How he sleeps with it is one of the biggest mysteries of House of Funk). Just as common but not mandatory is permanently grafting mirrorshades onto your face. Flares are, of course, a must.

Some take it even further than this. The inner circle is made up of CyberFunks so groovy, you can't help but nod along to their rhythm. Literally. Ripping out their vocal cords in favor of permanent synthesizers, House of Funk is home to a growing number of walking, talking instruments who are physically unable to communicate in anything but the funkiest of soul riffs. Joined by human smoke machines, sentient light shows, breathing amps and speakers - you're almost guaranteed to know when House of Funk is on the move, and should you somehow miss those signs, just look for the eerily synchronized constant head nod. It's positively hypnotic... and also your cue to run away, preferably with your ears covered.


Here is where House of Funk might be more than just a collection of mid-life crises trying to make themselves stand out after all. Something about "The Vibe", the name for the phenomenon of Brother Salsa's butyraceous voice accompanied by groovy guitars and sexy rhythms, happens to have very trustworthy qualities: if you're easily influenced you might just find yourself suddenly and inexplicably among Brother Salsa's faithful yet, at which point you won't have any other choice than to nod along.

No one but Brother Salsa knows if the House of Funk is the result of a joke gone too far or if he sincerely believes in this stuff, but whatever the truth may be he’s found himself as the head of a nice little cult either way.



There are whispers in the House of Funk that Brother Salsa has had a revelation as to the meaning of Funk. It lies with finding the True Phrenology of Funk, who shall be known by their afro-shaped skull and immunity to The Vibe. Only with them lies true enlightenment; Brother Salsa will act as the humble guide on this quest for contact. Until then, let the Funk flow through you.