It Takes Time <To Be Properly Taken Apart> - Chapter 15
Chapter 15
Chapter Length: 6,200 wordsYuyayni & Ch'ikan
It didn't take much longer than a second for a vine to begin wrapping gently around Raqi's face. This time it had the dignity to move in slowly, so as to give her time to see it coming, and she found its presence remarkably comforting. The moment it wrapped around her eyes, a feeling of relief flooded over her at no longer being able to see her own nude form. "Well done, my dear," came an approving voice. Raqi was feeling awkward enough that the praise didn't quite hit the way it normally did, but it still made her feel a little bit less bad. "Thanks," she replied. Thinking proactively, she added: "We don't exactly have a table for this. In the event that you're going to need to move me around for this, do you think you can keep the vines to my wrists, ankles, feet, and hands? I'm a lot more used to sensations there, so it shouldn't be as stressful." "That is a good idea," Punica replied. "One moment, then." Raqi felt several vines wrapping around her wrists and ankles a moment later. Even though for the most part they were only touching her in places she'd already been touched before, this time it made her shiver. It didn't help that the texture of Punica's vines was... somewhat pleasant to the touch. If they'd been something more akin to the cold metal of handcuffs, she might have found her mind less inclined to wander to places because of it. Either way, she didn't have all that much time to think about it, as she felt the vines starting to tug lightly against her hands; prompting her to move them backwards. "I am going to use some of my vines to construct a bed for you to lay down on," Punica spoke. "Sensation-wise, it should hopefully be no different to the experience of laying on a medical table; though I imagine the texture will differ slightly. I would not want you to have to stand up for the entire duration of this examination." "Ah. Thanks." Raqi nodded appreciatively; though she realised she had no idea where Punica was relative to her, so she wasn't sure the affini had seen it. She dutifully followed the tug of the vines around her hands and ankles, and let them guide her into slowly leaning backwards. At first it was rather nerve-wracking, but before her centre of gravity fell far enough back that she was in danger of falling properly, she felt herself sinking into something that felt remarkably like a recliner; except much, much comfier. With that in mind, it didn't take much persuading to get her to lean the rest of the way back, and before long, she was no longer having to work to support any of her own weight. "Very good. I will get started shortly. I figure that while we are here, continuing our earlier conversation would be a good way to pass the time while I do my work. Would you be amenable?" Raqi nodded again- though much less convincingly, on account of gravity making it very hard to nod properly at her current angle. "Yeah, sure. It'll probably help to distract me from... this." "Very well then. I would like to start by attempting to confirm my understanding of one of our previous topics. It is my understanding that, from what you told me, your race - which, to confirm, you refer to as the 'landamaeri' - is divided into two primary neurotypes; the ch'ikan, whom are the neurotypical majority, and the yuyayni; whom are a neurodivergent minority. Is this correct?" "Err... Sort of." Her lips pursed unconsciously as she realised how much of a mouthful this was going to be to explain. "So, to start with the easier question: calling us landamaeri is accurate enough, I guess. We don't really have a word in our language for us; only one for not-us. Like, I've heard the way Terrans use the word 'human', and we've basically got our own equivalent to that, which translates pretty cleanly and we use it in a similar way. But our version isn't really a name, so much as a classification; if that makes sense?" She heard a faint rumbling from somewhere in the room. "I believe I understand, yes." "Right. Okay, good; because that was the easy part, now comes the hard part." She took in a deep breath, preparing for all the words she was about to have to say. "Sooo, basically: Yuyayni isn't an actual neurotype, it's more like an identity group comprised of a bunch of neurodivergences. It wasn't originally like that, though: when the term was first invented, it only referred to people who had- Wait, fuck." She groaned. "Oh Inos. So, there's another problem: Around when I was born, almost everyone thought that the neurodivergence which yuyayni eventually got coined to refer to - kuruk - was a disorder rather than a neurodivergence. We as a society didn't actually get the concept of neurodivergences as like, differences rather than disabilities until I turned about twenty." "And when I say 'we', I mean Mobile Fleet society at large, and also probably sixty or seventy percent of landamaeris still don't actually get it and think 'kuruki' is synonymous with 'stupid.' But some people who did have that condition- not condition, neurodivergence- eventually realised that was idiotic, and so rather than stick to a shitty word there was a movement to create a new one; which is where we got yuyayni from." She paused for a breath. "At first this was good, but we rapidly ran into a problem; which was that we don't actually know how being kuruki works on a neurological level. Like, it was originally thought of - and mostly still is - as a spectrum. And it's a spectrum in the case that you can get one person who's hypersocial, and another one who's a total intravert, and they're both still kuruki." "This posed a classification problem that we still haven't gotten over yet, because we... don't actually know what defines being yuyayni, in essence. It was originally supposed to just be a different, less derogatory word for being kuruki, but we ran into the problem that we don't know what being kuruki actually is. We don't actually have sufficient technology to figure out either how kuruki manifests in the brain, or what causes it at the birth level, so right now it's basically impossible to actually create a classification to base an identity group on. Which is... frustrating. Because you can still very obviously tell that someone is not ch'ikan; like, that is extremely Inos-taken obvious to anyone who has spent any amount of time around yuyayni. You can absolutely learn how to tell, it's like- ch'ikan have this sort of vibe to them, and people who aren't ch'ikan also do." "But obviously, that's pretty abstract and not actually useful for classification, and so the problem comes when you run into edge cases where it's not as clearly cut. Like, for a lot of yuyayni: you're trans; queer; hate socialising in real life; can only eat three different foods; love video games; spend your entire life on the Fleetnet- Yeah, in that case, obviously you're not fucking ch'ikan. But for some people, it's not that clear cut. You can get yuyayni who act like ch'ikan because they're masking, or have internalized conformist behaviours and haven't been able to unlearn them yet. And in those cases, there is concrete method you can use to tell what neurotype they are; it's down to you or whoever else to make a decision." Mid-way through her rant, she felt the sensation of vines poking against her lower leg. She twitched back instinctively, only to force her leg to relax a moment later. "This was already a can of worms, but it lead to the even worse can of worms which is 'what is actually important about the distinction between yuyayni and ch'ikan?', or in other terms: 'what is the value of yuyayni as an identity?' And this is absolute ass to answer because you have to sit down and consider so much shit. At first glance it seems like the obvious answer is to just not gatekeep it and have it be an ideological thing so that you can include other neurotypes, but then there's the whole thing with kuruki being neurologically inclined towards scientific pursuits and technological development in landamaeri pre-history, while inversely non-kuruki don't seem to have been nearly so much, so there's this still-not-fully-proven hypothesis that basically states that kuruki are responsible for more or less all of our race's most important scientific developments. Which if that is true, is... kind of a dividing line between us and everyone else, whether we want it to be or not." The thought that such stark differences could exist at a neurological level between members of the same species brought all manner of social and philosophical assumptions into question. The foundational premise of qhispik theory - the anti-Fleetist political ideology which Raqi subscribed to - was the idea that all landamaeris were born equal, and it was circumstances that dictated their morality and behaviour; rather than innate nature, spirituality, or biology, as had commonly been believed in times long ago. In the first place, this was primarily intended to be interpreted morally, as the author of qhispik had been forward-thinking enough to recognise the existence of the physically and mentally disabled, and had written this to argue that they deserved equal respect as able-bodied people did. Another core principle of qhispik ideology was the idea of 'to each according to their own needs; from each according to their own ability,' which was designed to handle the practical half of the philosophical equation. Yet, what limited research had been done about kuruk posed a number of concerning challenges to this. In the first place, some studies had begun to suggest that kuruki were less inclined towards the social-status-seeking behaviours of ch'ikan. Among ch'ikan, it was generally considered acceptable to take actions that disadvantaged others to a minimal, or sometimes maximal extent, if it could said to be to one's own benefit; though it was also important to ch'ikan socialisation to present a gregarious and non-selfish persona in public. High social status was an incredibly prized commodity among neurotypical landamaeris, and they went to immense lengths to cultivate it in daily life. Kuruki, however, ranged from anywhere between substantially less invested in accruing social status, to completely disinterested in the concept as a whole. As a side-effect, this made them much less likely to sabotage other landamaeris for personal social benefit. But the research went a step further to suggest that on average, kuruki seemed more driven by egalitarian forms of motivation than selfish ones. One study saw that when placed in a group with four other landamaeri and given the option of receiving five bowls of sanchum berries themselves, while giving the others only one each, or receiving two bowls of sanchum berries while letting everyone else have three, the kuruki participants in the test overwhelmingly picked the latter option; despite it disadvantaging them personally. When asked why, most stated that it resulted in the greatest acquisition of sanchum berries overall, and was therefore the most efficient for the group as a whole even though they themselves lost out. If kuruki really were neurologically less selfish than non-kuruki, then that posed severe issues to qhispik's premise of moral equality between all landamaeris. It was very hard to argue that people naturally more inclined towards selflessness were not innately of superior moral quality than those who were not, and this thought made Raqi incredibly uncomfortable. Even though she would have been part of the group that this equation placed as superior, it did not sit well at all with her to have to discount 97% of her race's population as 'innately morally inferior' to her. She realised that she'd gotten distracted thinking. "So, uh, yeah. In conclusion: it's a word where everyone that uses it knows what it means, but actually defining it is really, really hard." She fell silent for a moment, after which her brow slowly started to furrow. "Which, when I put it that way, makes it sound a lot like the word 'woman.' Hrm." The vines that had been pressing against various parts of her lower legs abruptly ceased touching her. "That is all rather fascinating. It sounds as if your civilisation was at something of a turning point developmentally with regard to its conception of neurominorities when you left, then. Ah, also: To confirm, I presume that you yourself are kuruki, and identify as yuyayni?" "Yes," Raqi replied immediately. "It's hard to know for sure because of the aforementioned reasons, and I don't have every single one of the core divergences from ch'ikan behaviours that are stereotypical of being kuruki, but-" She began to snicker. "I don't think there's anyone who's ever met me who wouldn't think I'm kuruki. And I definitely do identify as yuyayni, yes. A lot more than most people I know." Punica's voice grew amused. "Yes, I can see how others would be quick to perceive you as unusual. I have never met another from your species, but even in spite of that, I find it almost impossible to conceptualise an entire race of Raqi Marrs." "Right?!" Raqi's voice suddenly grew both louder and much more enthusiastic. "Can you fucking imagine if there was more than one of me? The universe couldn't cope with two of me; let alone a whole race of us." A soft, musical giggle rang out across the room, and a chirp made its way out of Raqi as a vine ruffled through her hair; the sensation amplified far beyond its normal strength on account of her being blindfolded. "Your mention of 'core divergences' has made me curious," Punica continued. "What are the primary divergences experienced by kuruki from the dominant landamaeri neurotype?" "Uh... For the reasons I mentioned earlier, I can't give you a full list, and I can't cover all of the edge cases or nuance properly at all. ...But I think we do know enough to have identified the main ones by this point; or, some of them at least." She paused for a moment to think. "One big one is supposedly enhanced pattern-recognition," she began, "though I can't say I've ever actually noticed a difference between myself and ch'ikan or any other kuruki in that regard. Substantially increased emotional sensitivity is another one; we're a lot twitchier both emotionally and physically than neurotypicals. Ah, and, in the same vein, we seem to just be more physically sensitive. It's why I don't really respond well when you touch me a lot of the time. We tend to get overwhelmed very easily by sensory input and just kind of freeze up." She refrained from adding: 'As you've probably noticed.' "Intriguing. The differences you are describing are notably similar to some descriptions I have heard of neurodivergences in other sophont species." There was a note of something in Punica's voice, and a moment later, she added: "In particular, it sounds very similar to a certain Terran neurodivergent condition known as 'autism.'" "Huh." Raqi's brow furrowed once more. "I think I'd heard some stuff about that, actually? I don't remember much in the way of details; I just recall hearing someone talking about the similarities before and thinking it sounded interesting." Punica 'mhm'ed. "It would make sense for similar neurodivergences to exist in your species. Based purely on superficial similarities between your two races' appearances, the landamaeri seem to have followed an at least passingly similar evolutionary path to Terrans in terms of their physical forms. It would not surprise me if the same also held true at a neurological level." Raqi was silent for a moment, as she processed the implications of this. It was a little bit too much to take in right now, but she made a mental note that she ought to investigate this more thoroughly at some point in the future. A moment later, a vine brushed over her shoulder, disrupting any attempt to think further on the subject. "Returning to our primary topic: you were speaking about the characteristics associated with being kuruki." She started slightly at the touch. "Ah, right! So, the other main thing - the one that causes us the most problems by far - are the innate differences in how we socialise." This was where it got tricky. She wished she could have seen how Punica was going to react to what she was about to say, because it had the potential to be very informative. "You probably already know that most species- at least ones we landamaeri know about, I don't know for sure if it applies elsewhere in the galaxy- have relatively 'innate' behavioural characteristics. Like, a lot of stuff that animals do is learned, but there are some things that more or less all of them are born knowing. In our species, for example, it's said that every landamaeri innately recognises smiling as a way to indicate friendliness, frowning as a sign of displeasure, groans of pain as being groans of pain, etcetera etcetera. This is universal enough that two of us who don't speak the same language can still communicate to a limited extent just via facial expressions." Punica's vines made for a very comfortable bed to lay on, she was now noticing. With her vision blinded, there was so much less sensory input to distract her from what the rest of her body was telling her. It was a remarkably pleasant way to hold a conversation. "Kuruki in particular seem to come without some of that knowledge. It manifests the most in stuff like tone of voice and facial expressions; a lot of us can't read particularly nuanced tones or expressions. Basic stuff like smiles I think we all still recognise, but the difference between kinds of smiles for example is something we'd struggle with. It definitely can be learned, though; I used to be much worse at it as a child, but I've spent years practising and now I'm a lot better at it." She paused for a moment to think. "I think part of the reason why is that we have our own replacements. Almost all yuyayni, whether they're kuruki or not, tend to do this thing called 'stimming' a lot; which is basically where we make random noises, or flap our hands or do other gestures. It's fairly ubiquitous to a bunch of our neurodivergent conditions, including both kuruki and attention deficit disorders, and inversely ch'ikan don't really seem to do it at all. A lot of the time, this is actually how we express emotions rather than through facial expressions or tone of voice." "Oh, right, yeah: In addition to having a hard time identifying emotions in faces and voices, we also don't actually make them as much; that's another thing tying in with stimming. Basically a lot of us aren't very facially or vocally emotive, but convey emotions through other types of body language; for example wiggling our hands or bobbing our heads to show that we're happy instead of smiling." Her voice abruptly grew grimly frustrated. "Or, we would, if habits like that didn't get verbally beaten out of us in childhood. We get told that showing those kinds of behaviours is 'inappropriate', or 'weird', or just plain rude; and most of us learn to stop doing them for that reason." She realised, then, that she'd forgotten something very important up to now. "There's another important part of yuyayni as a label, which relates to what I just mentioned. A large part of being yuyayni is specifically about viewing your neurodivergence as a positive thing, with the intent of countering the ch'ikan depiction of it as making you lesser. Because, like- if it wasn't clear from everything I've said already, we... don't exactly get treated well in the Mobile Fleet. There's a joke that I'd struggle to translate into Terran, but it basically plays on the idea of a hypothetical 'untraumatised kuruki.' The joke is meant to be that no one has ever actually met someone with kuruk who isn't traumatised, and that the idea of an 'untraumatised kuruki' doesn't exist outside of hypotheticals. It comes up a lot in theoretical discussions about what a society more catered to our individual needs would be like, because-" She had to pause for breath. "-most relationships kuruki have with other people, as well as our behaviours on a demographic level, are defined by the fact that we're a minority group with a 100% prevalence of at least mild trauma. So we all have a whole bunch of unhealthy behaviours that are just, essentially innate to the way we exist currently. And because of that- because it's so absolutely prevalent- we're not really even able to simulate how people with our neurotype would behave 'naturally'; as in, if we were able to grow up without incredibly extensive trauma- because there isn't even one example anywhere of one of us who was able to do that. So the question of 'what would life be like in a society that didn't traumatise us this way', and more importantly, 'what would we be like in that society', is something we've been entirely unable to even speculate about." "It's made even more complicated by the fact that seemingly our entire existence has also taken place with us making up anywhere from 1.5% to 3% of the landamaeri population as a whole, so attempts to imagine how a society made around our needs would work also run into the issue of 'what would we actually be like if we were the majority/didn't have to coexist with ch'ikan as a dominant force over us?' And that's even more complicated, to the point that like..." She let out an almost despairing sigh. "I've spent so long theorycrafting about these topics, but it feels like it's impossible to get anywhere with it; there's just too much for one person to cover. And given how controversial all this stuff is and how easy it is for someone to accuse you of being a supremacist the moment you start talking about innate biological differences, I don't exactly have many people I can talk to or get help from with any of this." She thought back on how Charyl still staunchly refused to adopt a yuyayni identity, on account of a dislike for the implication that yuyayni were in any way non-equal with ch'ikan. "Anyway, that in essence is what yuyayni is. It's an identity label that exists as a recognition of the fact that the circumstances we find ourselves in are so extremely damaging, that we don't even know what our own nature is without them." Her tone grew bitter once more. "It's also a recognition that there is a much larger portion of our population who don't suffer in nearly the same way, and whose behaviour can be said to be a large part of why this has been done to us." On a purely intellectual level, Raqi was familiar enough with theory to know that holding ire towards neurotypical landamaeris was both pointless and, ultimately, ethically incorrect. They were victims of the Fleetist system as well - if not to even close to the same extent as kuruki or neurological minorities of any type were - and much of the harm they did could be said to be born out of ignorance, rather than outright malice. But in the end, when one had been harmed by so many people from a particular group, explanations like that started to feel more like justifications, and it became difficult to stop yourself from feeling resentment towards them. The plant rumbled, this time in a way that Raqi could somehow tell was intended to be sympathetic. It interested her that she was learning to tell the different kinds of 'Punica sounds' apart: On an auditory level her rumbles still all sounded quite similar, but there was a level of nuance to them that some subconsicous part of her brain seemed to be beginning to learn to pick up on. "The types of treatment which you are describing are sadly all too common among neurological minorities in species which we encounter; almost always having been perpetrated by majorities who find their behaviour troublesome, as you say," she then spoke. "The desire to do away with that which does not fit neatly into an established paradigm is one of the most unfortunate behaviours commonly exhibited by xenosophont species." "Mhm," Raqi replied readily. "On a related note to that: One thing I do know for sure is that we're definitely less susceptible to enculturation than ch'ikan are. This part only applies to yuyayni who are also kuruki, but: Kuruki don't seem to be affected by things like peer pressure and the drive conform in the same way that neurotypicals are. The way this phenomenon often gets described is: as children, we tend to ask 'why?' a lot. And then usually, ch'ikan just tell us to shut up, or go 'that's the way it is', or say that we shouldn't question authority or something like that. I don't know for sure whether this comes from ch'ikan being naturally less inclined to question things, or if it's because they get told not to do it and then just stop. If I had to guess, I figure it's probably more the latter than the former. Inversely, when we get told to stop asking questions, it either doesn't work or takes like a decade to sink in and then leaves us near-irreparably traumatized for life." "It is more than a little worrying how casually you mention that last part," Punica intoned, voice radiating discomfort. "Is this experience truly so common among kuruki?" "Yep. I don't think there are many people who won't have experienced it on at least some level. The reason I'm so casual about it is that, if you mentioned it to any one of us back in the Fleet, you wouldn't get much more than a 'yeah' in response." Raqi affected amusement in her reply, but there was an undercurrent of pain behind it. "This kind of thing is very normalized. The whole 'don't ask why' thing is by far one of the least bad things kuruki get subjected to in childhood." Her mind drifted to a related topic. "So, you know how I mentioned that being yuyayni isn't just another word for kuruki? Some of the other adjacent conditions include one called pathological demand avoidance - or, some people have taken to calling it 'pervasive desire for autonomy' because it's less asshole-y - which is specifically a profile some but not all kuruki have. PDA is kind of hard to describe the effect of, but basically, it can mean that you freak out over utterly inane stuff like getting asked 'do you have any plans for today?', because your brain interprets that as a requirement to have something to say other than 'no' and reacts to that by feeling like you're being directly threatened; which can up making you react really defensively or aggressively." Where Raqi was firmly of the opinion that kuruki was not a disorder, her PDA she hated with a passion. Mid-way through her explanation, she'd recalled a memory from childhood where her parents had asked her to practise long division, and she'd broken into tears when it had been revealed that she had gotten the answer wrong. More than fifteen years later, she still recalled the echo of the horrific pain and sense of failure that had shot through her at that moment. She decided to move quickly on. "Then there are the various attention deficit disorders: these ones I actually kind of understand, they basically work by your brain not producing enough of the chemical required for you to not be bored, I think? That or your requirement for it is naturally higher than normal and so you always end up wanting more of it- but either way, the end result is that you basically really struggle to stay focused on some stuff, and you find any activities that aren't stimulating enough - 'stimulating' being defined as 'produces enough of the chemical you're missing in your brain' - to be basically unbearable. Most of my friends have this one really bad; I'm lucky enough to only have a mild variant, which is why I can kind of still function without my meds for it." The other half of attention disorders which Raqi had neglected to mention was the tendency to hyperfixate on one task to the exclusion of all else for extended periods of time. This was the half of it that she mostly had, and it didn't seem to be nearly as debilitating to her as the inability to stay on track seemed to be for many of her friends. She was somewhat glad for that. "Then, the last major one a ton of yuyayni have is rejection sensitivity. There's an argument for this one not being a full-blown condition so much as a trauma response, but it sucks ass either way. Basically, people with rejection sensitive dysphoria - as the name suggests - take rejection very poorly. And by very poorly, I mean 'someone doesn't reply to your message for half an hour because they were busy cooking lunch and just didn't mention it, and you assume they've decided they hate you and don't want to be your friend any more.'" Were her eyes open, Raqi would have been making a thousand yard stare right now. She could not even guess how many times she had done the exact thing she'd just described. "Also, in the event anyone actually does openly reject you rather than you just hallucinating them doing that, the response can range anywhere from 'feel like shit about yourself for the next three hours' to 'attempt suicide'; depending on the severity." "As if all of this doesn't sound bad enough individually: for whatever reason, every condition I just mentioned has a massive overlap with being kuruki. If you are kuruki, the chance of you having, say, an attention disorder as well, is something like ten or I-don't-know how many times higher than it is if you're ch'ikan; and this applies to every single one of these conditions or traumas. Oh, and also, can't forget that kuruki also have a six-and-a-half times greater incidence of being transgender, and an eight times greater likelihood of being non-heterosexual; and also you're obviously much much more likely to not be straight if you're trans, so..." She ran out of breath and had to stop to take another. "Oh, yeah, and also- You know how I mentioned that yuyayni are often more physically sensitive earlier? There's also an increased prevalence of a whole bunch of physical conditions, ranging from stuff like hypermobility to - in my case - chronic pain. Basically, being kuruki is like winning the 'simply built different in every conceivably way' lottery; except most of the ways you're built different suck." Still worth it though, she thought. No matter how much the chronic pain and RSD sucks, I would rather die than be neurotypical. "That..." It had been a while now since Raqi had felt the touch of any new vines on her body. Either Punica was busy doing something else, or- more likely from the tone of her voice- she had paused momentarily in order to focus on listening to what Raqi was saying. "I am struggling to find the words to respond to this, in all honesty. It is a very large amount to take in. More than anything, I am sorry: I imagine you must have very complex feelings about the various conditions and differences that you have, but it sounds as if at the very least, certain parts of the experience have been very difficult for you." Raqi was very grateful that Punica had not chosen to express her condolences for Raqi's neurodivergences, as so many other people in her past had done. "Thanks, I appreciate it. And, yeah- 'complicated' is the right way to sum it up. Honestly... A lot of this stuff sucks, but there are very few of the conditions I just mentioned that I wish I didn't have. Maybe my chronic pain and RSD and the PDA, but other than that, I view the rest of them as part of who I am. They're not something that I would want 'fixing', if that makes sense." "It does, and I fully understand the sentiment. I can assure you that, at the very least in the case of conditions like kuruki, those are not something the Compact would ever approach from the perspective of needing to be cured or fixed. Some of the other things you mentioned, such as rejection sensitivity and demand avoidance, I believe would be judged on the basis of how much discomfort they caused to the sophont in question. If it seemed as if they were causing excessive harm to them, it is possible that steps would be taken to address them." Raqi found the thought of that very, very uncomfortable. "I wouldn't want that, even if they were harming me." "Mhm, I understand. You have made your wishes in that regard very clear." Something about Punica's response stirred a feeling of unease within Raqi. She could sense that it had been meant genuinely, and that there was no veiled threat intended, but it was the way the sentence had been worded that felt wrong somehow. Raqi decided it was better not to comment upon it. "That aside: I very much appreciate you sharing all of this with me. I can only imagine some of these topics were not easy to discuss, and I am grateful you chose to do so. I believe that this has given me a much better understanding of your circumstances." To Raqi's surprise, she detected what she thought was guilt in the affini's voice. "Had I known all of this earlier - particularly the part about rejection sensitivity - I would never have framed my initial comments about domestication in the way that I did. I can only imagine that the way in which I depicted forced domestication to you must have come across as directly threatening." Raqi's lips pursed. She wasn't going to lie; that had been exactly what it felt like. "Yeah. And to an extent, it still does feel like that." There was silence for some time. "I'm sorry," Punica spoke. "It... is certainly not meant to be." She struggled to find ways to reassure the sophont. While she could somewhat understand Raqi's perspective, it just did not fully compute to her how anyone could ever see domestication as a threat. Forcible domestication was a measure intended to help xenosophonts who were deemed incapable of caring for themselves; it was the least thing from threatening that anything could ever be in the affini's eyes. Where a threat was something that posed a danger to someone, domestication was the promise that they would never again be endangered or put at risk of harm. To see domestication itself as a form of harm was, in the end, still incomprehensible to her despite everything they had spoken of. "I hope you can believe me when I say that," she finished. Raqi's tone softened a little bit for the first few words of her reply. "I can believe that you view it that way, yes. But in the end, it doesn't help very much if I still see it that way. In the same vein, there's not much point apologising for it, if you're still going to hold it over my head anyway." "I understand. In that case, I think it is best if we move on from this topic." "...Yeah, I think so too."
A L E R T : : t h o u g h t f o r m s_d e t e c t e d
I D : : Equality :: the hundredth time: Part IITerraTranslate :: Raqi Marr :: Punica Granatum :: The Affini Compact :: Landamar Mobile Fleet :: Hormone Replacement Therapy :: The Chimera Module :: Affini :: Intersidera :: Posters :: Magnesium :: Wonderland :: The Hundredth Time: Part I :: Communication :: aftermath :: Physical Confrontation :: Garments :: Interspecies Comparisons :: Touch ::
Author's Note: I made a conscious decision not to create alternative landamaeri terms for PDA and RSD for the purpose of spreading awareness of the two conditions. In case you aren't aware, these are in fact things that exist in real life: I, the author, have both of them! They're not as well known as autism and ADHD, and I frequently run into people who've never heard of one or both of them (even in the HDG community), so I decided a small hit in immersion was a worthwhile price to pay to spread awareness of them.
If you're interested in reading about PDA, this article is a good place to start: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance
And if you'd like to learn about RSD, you can check this out: https://reframingautism.org.au/the-unbearable-heartache-of-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/