B.T.V. -- Session 04 Epilogue: The Nutcracker's Suite

Report of Simon Balazs to the Circle of Beldam, third



In Which a Clumsy Assassin Encounters a Gullible Eastern



First she fell hard for me, and then I fell hard for her. Though in totally different ways.

After miraculously escaping death at the hands of the Vordosau, who as it turns out wasn’t looking to kill me at all, we hunted up my new partner Selador, who had found himself a tasty bit of Draegeran to get wrapped up with. Literally, because the Vordosau, whose name was Basilikon or something like that—his helmet muffled his voice—threw a net on Selador and his companion, a spectacularly tall and statuesque Dzur member of the Special Tasks Group or SGT, Lyra.

Personally, I would have been tempted to stay in the net with the girl, but somehow my partner got the webbing unwrapped from around himself if not Lyra and got to his feet. Then he spotted me, and realized something was up, so he didn’t go after the Vordosau. Yeah, that must be the reason.

Basilikon insisted we go with him, so we went. He was impatient, and rather than walk the short distance to get around a steep, tall cliff within the city, he teleported the pair of us to the bottom. The combination of the teleport and the smell of piss and shit from the nearby coalfire privies was enough to send breakfast hurling out of my mouth. Not my most dignified moment.

Returning to our rooms at the tavern, Basilikon claimed the Jhereg we had met earlier that night had been out to kill us. He didn’t know why, and we couldn’t figure it other either. He suggested using us as bait in a trap to capture more would-be assassins and question them. Being particularly stupid, we agreed, figuring if the Vordosau wanted to, he could just off us himself, so he didn’t need to scheme to kill us.

Selador and I took to the streets, and not far from the Coal Fires and Red Hot Pokers, a pair of Jhereg came sauntering up to us, one of the female persuasion and the other, well, who cares, because Selador took about a half minute to open up his guts and spill his intestines onto the street like noodles with red sauce.

The woman, who had legs that went all the way up and curves in all the right places, came after me with a pair of daggers, but she slipped on a bit of dog crap on the cobblestones, her legs going out of her and depositing her shapely backside on the road. Vordosau threw something that looked like a spearhead, which hit the cobblestones and began to emit a keening sound. That was enough to make the woman decide the fight was over before it began. Her partner Dray’s innards might have contributed to that. Taking a new tact, she held up her hand and said a gentleman would help her to her feet. I looked around, and then realized she was talking to me and not Selador or some other guy who fit the bill better. She batted her eyelashes at me, and my heart fluttered like a teenage boy seeing a shapely ankle for the first time. Even knowing she was trying to put one over on me, I fell for the act and took her hand, pulling her to her feet. Doing that, I realized she was four or five inches taller than me. Alright with me. Pop always said I should go for a girl I could look up to. She said her name was Noxter Verren, but refused to say who had hired her, claiming she didn’t know. Later, I’d figure out that was a lie, but hey, what’s a little fibbing from your future betrothed, huh?

I convinced the others to let her go, figuring Basilikon could track her to her Jhereg lair. Or is that nest? Before I could suggest that, though, he offered to do so. While we waited to give her a lead, Basilikon claimed something was wrong with Bamboo, that the lyorn wasn’t my familiar as I’d figured because I hadn’t gone through the ritual of joining. Instead, the lyorn had spoken first to me in my mind. I’d already come to the same conclusion, but how often are you going to come across a talking lyorn? Who was strangely quiet around the Vordosau.

We tracked the lovely Noxter to a small building next to a much larger one in Crowsfoot, and Vordosau broken open the door, then backed out again. An old woman Jhereg came to the door, her eyes shut as if she was blind, but heavily armed and looking like she knew her business and meant business.

She said something like, “The Baron Bones” or the “Barren Bones” would talk to us downstairs. Walk into the basement of a Jhereg house. Didn’t seem smart, but Selador’s sense of self-confidence seemed to rub off on my, so away we went, through a trapdoor, down a tunnel and then into an underground room or vault. Before we went in, the woman, “Auntie Mame” or more likely “Auntie Maim” warned us that while we’d be talking to Lyshka, we shouldn’t call him that. Only “The Nutcracker.” His house, his rules, I figured.

The Nutcracker turned out to be as nuts as his nickname. He claimed Selador and I must be working for the Jenoine, since we’d killed one and then been able to walk away. He claimed to have a witness to this. Seems the whole city was watching that night. We claimed to be innocent, but he figured killing us would be a service to the Empire and the Empress would owe him if he did. Then he demanded proof we were innocent, and of course, how do you do that? That’s a rigged court if ever I heard of one.

He gave us 90 minutes to consider our position. What a pal. He did send in food and wine, though, so it seemed like he might want to keep us alive. I had to wonder, if we had killed a Jenoine, wouldn’t we be able to kill him and his crew of “Bargain Bonds” a play on Vagabonds I figured, or “Bones,” which Auntie Maim seemed obsessed with. And if we were the agents of the Jenoine, well, couldn’t we just do the same?

In the meantime, Bamboo made contact, finally, claiming he hadn’t been able to talk to me and asking what was up, which was the same question I had for him. Figure Vordosau had something that interfered with psychic communication, maybe even a gold Phoenix stone, but if he did, I hadn’t seen one on him.

We got more of a runaround from Lyshka when he came back, but then Noxter, who turned out to be the eyewitness, mentioned Selador had taken the dead Jenoine’s bone sword when he left. Selador told Nutcrack that the sword had been bartered to the Jhereg Firebrand in the north end of the city, to pay toll for safe passage over a bridge.

Lyshka couldn’t believe that at first, then finally sent Auntie Maim to check. She got back fast for a blind woman having to travel to Firebrand and told Nutcracker what we had said was true. Lyshka, stunned, realized we might just be naïve enough to have been telling the truth all along, so he let us go, but not before giving a speech about how in the land of the lawless the lawless provide the law, “I am the Law here, What I do is the Law,” blah, blah, blah. Luckily enough, Lyshka ordered Noxter to escort us back to the Coal Fires. When we got there, Selador found a surprise waiting in his room. I didn’t. But Noxter decided to bunk over. Square deal.




I am, Simon