Bar 1} Clem, Kris, and Dirk in Amalgama | World Anvil

Bar 1} Clem, Kris, and Dirk

Clem played by Link, Kris played by CC, Dirk played by Jiro
Clem walked into the bar and sat next to some asshole. She never understood why this was even considered as an option in terms of social interaction, and yet, here she was. Once again, in a bar, sitting next to some so far nameless douche, about to strike up a conversation for the sake of striking one up. Snapping out of her mental tangent, she turned to the asshole she sat next to, and asked, "yo what is that drink, looks like it fell out of a unicorns sshl"
kris looks up. great, hes gonna have to be an jerk for, what, the 10th time today? he scowls at clem "What a pleasant greeting. Do you bother every tired-looking stranger, or is it just me?"
"nope, just you bud, its your lucky day"
She leaned in to examine the drink closer.
"seriously though dude what the fck is this, it looks like someone got a bunch of fairies to sht into a container before pouring it over ice"
dirk walked into the establishment, wow that's a fancy word, and sat next to the girl sitting next to nameless douche. fuck i'm awkward.
"Its... its just a drink." he sighs "Is it weird for a guy to have a pink drink? Ill change it if it bothers you so, your majesty."
"theres pink drinks, and then theres incestuous fecal fairy slurry, this is a whole nother fckn ballpark my man i wouldnt change it for the world" She turned to look at the OTHER douche who was now sitting opposite the original douche. A douche duo, how exciting.
"have you ever seen this sht before", she shook her head and leaned back in apparent awe at the appearance of Kris' drink.
said other douche, part two of the douche duo, turned and looked at Kris' drink "No. Nani the fuck is that?"
scoffs "'Nani' the fuck? What are you, twelve?"
"Wow, you're even more of a douche than me. Which is surprising, seeing as i'm a pretty big douche."
"Plus. It was ironic."
"Oh." he pauses for a second "Do you even know the definition of ironic? Serious question."
"this is fckn incredible, i didnt even have to instigate and you two are at each others throats, fckn priceless"
Clem sat back and folded her arms with every intention of watching these two assholes bicker over what was essentially nothing.
Dirk turned approximately who the fuck cares degrees and glared at Clem. though you can't see it that well. because fuckin dope shades.
Clem swivelled her helmeted head approximately no one gives a shit degrees in the direction of this douchebag and glared back. Though you can't see it that well. Because of her fuckin' sick helmet.
Dirk silently calls a glaring match
kris turns back to his unicorn agglomeration of a drink, since he isnt being bothered anymore. hes still slightly paying attention to the glare match though.
"look dude im usually down for starin out some nameless donkey cck wearing admittedly sick shades but right about now theres a specific liquidated unicorn dropping thats been hogging my attention"
"Understandable. you see, it's caught my attention aswell."
"Fuck off. I dont want two tryhard 'cool kids' bothering me at any hour of the day. Keep silently insulting each others moms or whatever."
"low blow, bro", Clem shook her head, letting herself lose the glaring match because she wasn't THAT petty, "insultin the matronly figures of otherwise anonymous individuals is such a btch thing to do, id rather get in their heads like a fckn grown up"
kris rolled his eyes, this whole situation being absurdly ridiculous. he hopes the other two know that. "Nothing that youve done since walking in here has been remotely like a grown up."
Clem leaned back in her barstool, looking at Kris. "right, i forgot the typical adult hardassery, lemmie wedge a fckn branch up my ass real quick so i can flick my shthd switch and oh so gracefully descend to your level"
"The shithead switch wasnt already on? And i never said i was a proper example. Continuing to talk to you proves that." he stares back at clem, or, clems rad helmet.
eyo ya boi dirk strider d- i already made that joke. did the thing.. with the straw paper.. like you put it on the end of the straw... and you blow into the straw.... and the paper goes whoosh.... yeah, that. to Kris
nailed it.
"nah dude, i leave it off, better for the environment that way", she shrugged, "but it looks like the amount of crap you spew is rippin a hole in the ozone layer wider than your dilated lower blowhorn, so i should prolly just give up on mother nature altogether"
kris winces when the paper flies his way, it falls to the floor and he picks it up. "God you talk so much. How do you even come up with more bullshit to say?"
"w... why did you wince, it's paper" douchebag number 2 considered shadesnt. yeh no.
"Thats unimportant." he looked in the other direction nervously. "Mind your own business, asshole."
"Look, i may be an asshole, but that's concerning, are you good-"
"Yeah. Im good. Id rather not discuss my life with a stranger, thank you very much." he quietly says to himself, "id only do that with a few more drinks."
Clem looked at Kris, arms folded,
"you seem familiar, have i blessed you with my presence before"
he thinks for a second and shrugs "If i met an insufferable prick with a motorcycle helmet, id probably remember."
"maybe all the unicorn sht youve been drinkin has been leakin your memories out with all the sht youve been talking"
She unfolded her arms and shrugged,
"youre just a special brand of dchbg i guess, one thats particularly pesterable, mentally malleable like warm clay dipped in milk, ya dig"
kris covers his mouth and turns his head away, he started smiling because clem is a funny motherfucker. "Im not 'mentally malleable.' You just met me, jackass."
instead of a douchebag laugh, dirk like,,, actually fucking laughed. wow. clem funne "But are you sure that they're the jackass. You're a bit of a jackass yourself."
"i meet plenty of dchbgs, i can see through them with my eyes closed", she leaned back in her chair, "im somethin of an sshl inspector"
"I dont hide the fact im not a good person. It would take around 3 seconds of meeting me for any non gullible person to realize this." he asked for another drink, this time it was significantly less colorful. clem got to him.
"Ooh. You really got me there. Whatever shall i say in retaliation?" douchebag number 2 put a hand over his forehead in mock,,,, i don't know what in this situation, but i've done that in similar situations-
"Maybe you should shut up. Itll really push my buttons. Ill be so pissed. You cant imagine how utterly enraged i will be." he deadpans all of this, staring dirk straight in the sick shades.
"thats fckn fantastic news dude, i knew you enjoyed our witty banter", Clem jested, then pointed at his new drink, "somethin to help with the indigestion from the mythical faeces id assume"
he looks at the drink. "Sure. Whatever. And the overly colorful drink is gone now, stop being a dick about it. Dick." NICE COMEBACK THERE, BUDDY.
"Did,,, did you just call them a dick twice in the same sentence.,,"
"No!! It was, yknow, different sentences!!" he cringes right after saying this and hides his face "Say one douchebag retort and ill beat both of you up."
"I doubt you could, like. Have you seen yourself? Like, it looks like my shade could fuckin cut you like paper." (nice simile, douchebag number two) "And i bet rad-prolly-skater-chick has some dope skills, too."
Clem sat back and listened to the douchebags bicker,
"bro, id kick your ass into next week like im some sorta time travelling donkey abuser," she shook her head, "how am i supposed to be threatened by someone who keeps slippin on their words like mthrfckrs been layin down banana peels on the track"
"What- donkey abuser?" he gets hung on that first sentence before shaking his head. "Im not trying to threaten you- im just incredibly pathetic right now!! Those banana peels of bad luck have been here the entire day."
"damn, dawg, i feel ya", she said, adjusting one of her boots, "im glad i could be the turn of luck you needed, man"
he rolled his eyes and retorted, No. Youre another stupid banana peel thats bothering me. For no reason other than,, most likely boredom!! Did you come here out of boredom?"
"I came here out of boredom. My bro can be really boring when he wants to, so i decided not to stick around at home."
"Glad i can be a source of entertainment. Assholes." he did what you should usually do in a bar, besides be teased by douchebags (already being done) or meet new people (wtf gross). drink.
"i aint a banana peel, dawg, im a bullet bill carryin your sorry ss to victory", she shook her head and leaned on the bar, "if you were really just drinking to stop bein miserable you would be slammin whisky and wine at home like a normal person"
"i second that. if you are here to drink away your problems.. why here"
he sighs, "Because. I already do that a lot... i wanted to get out of my house??" he takes a second to think about what he said and frowns. "Jesus. I sound awful."
Clem leaned back in her seat and folded her arms, sinking slightly.
"sht, bro," she said, before falling silent for a moment.
"i aint in the business of makin sad people sadder, wasnt my intention"
kris chuckles weakly and leans back "Being here is better than being alone all day, at least." he glances at clem and regrets being a jerk. again. for 10th time today. "Youre fine. I guess."
yall know what time it is,,,,,,, table drums. it isn't a roleplay in some sort of restaurant until there's table drums,, table drums are happy,,,,, table drums :sunglasses:
he looks at dirk and his table drumming. "...Sick groove?" again, he slightly cringes after saying that. he hates speaking.
Clem nodded, listening to the unnecessary table drumming, and got into a groove. "sittin here and spittin with these homies so wack, douchebag number two gives the table a smack," she snapped her fingers, "lay down that groove mr anime shades, as i slay these palisades with my vocal parade, lay waste to the tasteless based in baseless charades, once ive prayed that number one will grow a smile on his face" She glanced at Kris out of the corner of her visor.
dirk continued with the table drums "That was beautiful."
kris stares at clem in awe for a few seconds before breaking into laughter. "What- what the fuck was that? Do you normally break into a fit of rapping?"
"douche number one spins to douche number three, says 'hey there g, you really rappin for free', i said everyone but me would make you buy their release, chargin fifty apiece, make your fortune decrease, but," she joined in on the table drumming with a couple fingers, "that kinda things not for me. it really feels like a thing that i needa police, so i spit this slick sht to make the tensions decrease, and say please accept my lyrics as a pipe full of peace, word"
douche number two fake cried. as you do. "This is beautiful. I'm tearing up. Ironically, of course."
"This is so awful. But so great at the same time." he tries to stop grinning but clem is too fucking COMICAL and keeps laughing instead
Clem gave a small smile beneath her helmet and nodded, sitting back,
"primarily the latter but i get where youre comin from, dude"
She cracked her knuckles and folded her arms,
"sometimes you just gotta feel the rhythm and let the bars flow like fairy unicorn shit into your glass"
at this point dirk has ceased table drums "I'm so glad i decided against messing with my brother today"
"Youre still on about that drink? Was it that life changing for you?" his smile hasnt faded, clem successfully cheered him up.
"of course it was fckn life changing dude, i just found out that unicorns and fairies are real, how could i not be pumped up"
She put her hands up as she leaned back.
he scoffs, "Thats incredulously stupid. We live on a planet with literal trolls who are disgusted by cleaning supplies. Would fairies be a huge deal?"
"For once, douchebag number one has a point about the fairies... I don't understand why trolls are weirded out by pails though"
"It didnt spark your interest when you found out about it? You didnt delve into the world of troll romance and reproduction processes? Was- was i the weird one for doing that??"
"Yes. That is very weird. What the fuck."
Clem stared in silence for a few seconds before snapping out of her daze.
"dude what the fck, unicorns and fairies are magical and sht, nothin magical about a troll fillin a bucket with goo before posting it off to a big slug underground or whatever, whyd you have to make it weird"
"Fuck. Sorry." he looks down, glaring at the floor like it insulted his bloodline or something. this is why he hates talking.
"Nah, it's okay dude. Honestly, you shouldn't even mention ponies around me. I'll fuckin go on for hours about My Little Pony."
Clem gave a small chuckle and gave Kris a soft, playful punch on the shoulder.
"its all good bro, im just fckn with you", she turned her head to look at Dirk, "why am i not surprised"
"Yknow, that's what most people say when i tell them i like My Little Pony."
he looked back up, smiling again. "Rightfully so. Thats so fitting."
"Not gonna lie, if i was at home right now i'd be re-binging the entire series. And my bro would be yelling at me that it's too childish of me to be watching it."
"Do you have an addiction to the show, or do you watch it casually?" he chuckles, "I assume you have an addiction if your brother would start yelling at you."
"How'd you know i have an addiction to shows about magical ponies and friendship"
"Because its a twist. Cool, irony obsessed guys like you always have a twist. And its almost always a show about friendship."
"i guess that makes sense, sht", Clem said, nodding, "but you like, actually like it, and not just ironically"
yo shit more plot twist, ya boi, douchebag number two unzips his hoodie and just like, a whole ass mlp shirt
"Holy shit!" kris starts laughing again, "Are you for real?? Youve just been wearing that the entire time?"
"Yes i have." douchebag number 2 zipped up his hoodie again "Yknow. One time i was at a totally ironic sleepover with my friends and i couldn't fuckin sleep, so i just watched My Little Pony. It was like 1am, i turned to one of my sleeping friends and was like 'dude. dude wake up, Twighlight is betraying her friends' and he was just like, done. so he stared at me all like 'Dirk shut the fuck up and go to bed.' i'm gonna remeber that forever."
he can barely breathe from laughing, he takes a second to catch his breath. "Oh my god. Did- did they confront you about it in the morning??"
"Yep. Of course he did."
"This is fuckin gold. What did he say? How did it go?"
"Okay, so basically, in the morning he asked me why the hell i woke him up at one in the morning to yell about my stupid pony show. My response was an hour and a half rant about how it's not stupid, and twighlight betraying her friends is a very serious matter. Long rant short, fuck you it's amazing. I haven't gone over to his house since."
Clem listened silently, not entirely sure how to process this information. "youre pretty wack, anime sunglasses dude"
"I've been told. You can call me Dirk by the way."
"sure, dirk," she nodded, and put out a fist to bump, "im clem"
epic, it's fist bump time "God, hearing you not call me 'anime sunglasses dude' or 'douchebag number 2' is weird. Besides that, epic to actually learn your name, Clem."
"i mean ill prolly still call you one of those, its easier," she shrugged, and turned to douchebag number one, "what about you, you got a name"
"No. I dont have a name. People usually refer to me as 'hey, you' and they snap their fingers in my general direction." he smiles, "Its Kris."
Clem stifled a small laugh at Kris' now-friendly douchebaggery.
"look at us, the three doucheketeers, brought together over liquidated unicorn sht", she sighed happily, "usually people fck off before we get to names, so this is kinda weird"
he mumbles 'your face is kinda weird,' out of habit. "People usually fuck off before they even talk to me. So this is fun."
"I mean, the only reason i have friends is either because they're friends of my bro, or i annoyed the shit out of them enough"
"you do radiate douchebag energy kris, its pretty impressive", she joked, nodding, "but you hit a box and got a bullet bill, so its time to get your ss outta twelfth place"
"Do you have a thing for mario kart? It keeps coming up in your dumb metaphors." hes trying to change the subject.
"fckn, no, its just fresh on my mind cause my rat queen friend cheated and stole the cup from me again, and shes been on my mind"
She waved a dismissive hand.
"How do you cheat in mario kart?? Did she like, punch you in the middle of the race? That sounds like something i would do."
"she jumped on top of me, and since shes the size of the fckn eiffel tower takin growth hormones it threw me off my game", she sighed and shook her head, "shes like the human equivalent of a blue shell dawg"
"Haha. Just do the same thing to her the next time you two play. Cheating in any other game is bad, but mario kart is inexcusable."
"ignorin the fact that you just admitted to punching people mid race, im still not gonna take your advice, cause i dont need to act like a sewer dwellin parasite to win a racing game for kids"
"Ive said multiple times im a jerk, why wouldnt i punch people to win a game? Thats pretty standard of me."
"I punch my bro just for the hell of it-"
he looks at dirk in slight surprise "That is a little concerning. Explain yourself or i will be very suspicious."
"im gonna hope thats just a shtty joke, bro," Clem said, shaking her head, "you should only hit people when they pss you off"
"Well, he pisses me off 10 times out of 10-"
"Im assuming its a shitty joke. I would prefer if it is one." he checks the time on his watch, totally not trying to flex that hes cool and has a watch. "Oh. Its already kinda late."
Clem checked the time on her phone, like a normal person, "yeah i guess it is if you work nine to five or something"
windows are cool "Yeah dude, it's like, barely even dark out."
>:( "Different people have different perceptions of it being late! Rude fucken..." he sighs, "I guess itd be weird to consider it late."
yo shit was cal here the whole time- yeh he just vibing around Dirks shoulders "Well, point number 2, different people do have different perceptions on stuff."
kris jolts and stares at lil cal "whatthefuck- You have a puppet. On your shoulders."
"fuckgoddamnit Yeah, thats Cal. he does that sometimes"
Clem got startled slightly by the sudden apparition of Lil Cal, balling her hands into fists in front of her helmet,
"yo what the fck bro is this haunted puppet another of your cool guy plot twists"
"You could call it a plot twist. He's mostly harmless."
"Mostly?! That really isnt comforting! What the fuck??"
"Yeah... we should be fine." dirk shrugged, lmao shit cal stop moving- he's like,, just on one shoulder now
kris nods, but slides his chair a bit away from clem and dirk. just in case. "A sentient puppet. Wonderful. Any more surprises?"
"That should be it. I'm probably not taking off my shades anytime soon."
"Do you have laser eyes? A demon in your eyes? Or do you just want to keep up the cool, stoic dude act for as long as possible?"
"Those are some good guesses. It's mostly the stoic dude act, but not entirely."
"What about you, clem? Whats with the motorcycle helmet? Is that a cool act too?" he leans foward, but immediately leans back because he thinks cal just looked at him.
cal did indeed look at him :)))
Without looking away from Cal - she didn't trust that stone-faced bastard - she responded, "i wear the helmet cause im actually a super high profile celebrity and dont like bein recognised everywhere i go"
"I believe that." cal moved to his original position on Dirk
"I dont." he thinks for a second. "I dont have any plot twists. At least, i dont think i do. Boring."
"why would you not believe that. Clem is certainly cool enough to be one."
"No. A celebrity wouldnt be fucking around in a bar like this. And most of the popular celebrities here are trolls, arent they?"
"Like... troll Will Smith or some shit? Yeah prolly."
"yeah bro, they wouldnt, sans the helmet", she shook her head, "when youre a deliriously gifted in the lyrical spiritual miracle like me, youre bound to get fame, no matter how grey your skin may or may not be"
"Motherfuckin poetry." Kris, Cals paying your shoulder a visit :)))
kris yells and pushes cal off "GOD DAMNED PUPPET!" he tosses cal at dirk and slides his chair further away than before.
"shit dude, sorry. if you can't tell he has a mind of his own."
Clem pulled out a baseball bat from somewhere and held it up, "dude get your cursed puppet son out of here before i turn him into a smudge of felt and splinters on the wall"
"Where did you get that baseball bat from-" shit dude bye cal
"I saw my life flash before my eyes. It wasnt pleasant." he moves the chair back, now that the cursed juj- PUPPET is gone.
"You get used to it."
"Will i? I dont think so. Where did it go?" he points at dirks puppetless shoulder.
"Oh. Yeah, he just like. Appears and disappears at random."
"Im suddenly feeling very unsafe in this bar. That was a sentence that can be taken in different ways. Please erase my dialect."
LMAOPFFFF- that's,, that's laughter by the way,,
kris laughs a little at his own dumb joke with dirk. dirks laugh is infectious. "Shit, wasnt even that funny."
"Yes the fuck it was. To me, at least."
Clem relaxed a bit, putting her baseball bat back to wherever it came from. "dude im gon be real im not super fond of this horror ventriloquist act even though it is pretty impressive"
"Like, seriously, i can't control what the fuck he does. he just- does-"
"That isnt the most outrageous thing thats happened today so, yes. Ill accept that he just does. But if he comes back im burning him."
"no dude dont burn him fck," Clem waved a hand and sat forward, "ill just smash him to dust and well leave it at that"
"please don't hurt Cal in any way- I mean, if you did my bro'd prolly like, personally thank you. ironically though."
"Ironically, huh? Is being ironic, like, your familys entire thing? Do you pass the irony on from generation to generation, each inheriting a new level of irony? Serious question."
"Yep. Definitely the irony passing through generations, though Dave is getting pretty close to my irony. I need to step up my game.."
"damn bro thats like, heavy irony," Clem nodded with respect, "youve gotta be pullin some serious mental gymnastics outta your rear end to hold that charade up"
"Honestly, most of the irony comes from the shades. The shades are super ironic. I'm pretty sure they make up 60% of my irony"
"Not gonna lie, they look sick as hell. You look indifferent to every situation. Like you dont give a shit about anything."
"yeah, like you dont give a sht about anything but everything gives a sht about you cause of your visually apparent role as the protagonist"
Clem nodded, leaning back a bit.
"are those from an anime or somethin"
"Yes. They are most definitely from that one episode of Pokemon when all of the squirtles wore sick fuckin shades." you can fugin hear the sarcastic
"Oh right. I remember that episode, i used to watch Indigo League all the time when i was younger. But the ones the leader wore were more curved than pointy."
"....lmao nerd, that was satire. You've just proven yourself to be a nerd."
Clem shook her head, "rookie mistake kid, never believe anything said immediately after the phrase 'most definitely'"
"exactly" lemme fugin adjust my cool ironic shades because fuck
"I wasnt being sincere!! I just like pokemon! Dirk likes ponies and rainbows, whats the big deal??"
"I mean. I do like ponies and rainbows, you have a pretty good point there."
"Yeah! Ponies are definitely more nerdy than pokemon. Fuck you both." he seems to have gotten worked up over pokemon and ponies.
"Woah there buster, we don't want you to blow a fuse, now do we? That wouldn't be all too good."
Clem let out a small chuckle and leaned back, "sht dawg im not sure, theyre both pretty fckn nerdy"
dirk just- he's gone, there's no saving him from the void that is laughter. that shit was just too fuckin funny.
kris realizes what hes done. he puts his hands in his pockets and looks away from dirk and clem, extremely embarrassed of himself. "U...uh. Sorry."
dirk is gonna attempt to words "Dude y- laugh -you're good that sh- laugh -that shit was hilarious" back to the laughing fit
Clem stifled a snort and nodded, "dont be sorry bro, gotta appreciate the homies whove got bite over pocket monsters, respect"
he scoffs and looks at the laughing cool dude "Jesus christ. Someone save dirk. I think hes running out of air."
dirk like, actually breathed in an attempt to compose himself. holy fuck it actually worked. also, there's a certain creepy fucgin puppet jyst chilling on clems shoulders
A cold bead of sweat ran down the side of Clem's helmet as she slowly turned her head to look at Cal, before grabbing the fucker and throwing him at the ground.
"Oh. I see Cal is back." cal has moved,, yet again,,, to Dirks shoulders. "Oh well."
"aaaAAHH SHIT." he slides his chair away once again. "CLEM HIT IT WITH YOUR BAT. NOW."
"if Clem hits cal they'll hit me you dumb fuck." dirk slightly shifted away from both of them
"batter up you bedevilled little sinister prck"
Clem took the bat out and swung.
ow dude,,,,,
you've hit the child, assuming you were aiming for cals head, in the side of the like,,, in between your neck and your jaw,,,,, ow
oh yeah cals fuckin, he done. he's been hit
"get bonked you bedazzled ball of gangrenous beetle scrotums," Clem scowled, gripping the bat.
"Is it dead?? Or, destroyed? Can it die?" he stays a good distance away from them.
dirk is pain city my dude. he's holding spot between neck and jaw and is just like,,,, pain,,,
"Oh shit. Are you okay?" he temporarily sheds his fear of cal and goes over to dirk, he may or may not be genuinely worried.
Damn it, Clem, you underestimated you own strength again. She put the bat in her inventory and leans over Dirk,
"sorry bro, i had to exorcize that mthrfckr and your neck got in the way of my holy retribution"
"Yknow. I'd be mad at you. but owfuck that was kinda funny. and no, i don't think i'm okay this really hurts."
kris quietly laughs and GENTLY takes dirks hand off of his neck. "Ow. Thats an ugly bruise. I think itll be fine though. Just... ironically wear a turtleneck."
"mostly everything i do is ironic. Im pretty sure that my bro is dating someone who like.. unironically wears one.." :/
"you would ironically rock a turtleneck, bring you one step closer to bein a squirtle", Clem nodded, looking at the bruise.
Dirk stifled a laugh. cause that shit would prolly hurt. he lightly punched Clem in the arm.. ok pain time
"He would SO rock a turtle neck. Ironically of course. Turtlenecks dont have that intimidating affect unless its ironic."
dirk jus like,,,, completely forgot he met these two like a few hours ago and fuckin,, just like,, took off the shades- ok but like why do i love dirks eyes so much like,,,
he GASPS. "Whoa!!" and then he grins like a dork. "Dude! Your eyes!"
"fuckshitvisionhurts what,, what about my eyes-" dirk slightly moved to put the anime shades back on
"Do you ever run out of surprises? Jesus, i feel like im opening a nesting doll of a person. Were you born with orange eyes??"
"nah bro, ironic contacts, for sure," Clem shook her head, "surprised this mthrfckr hasnt got dual sharingans or some shit"
"One, nope, i have all of the surprises. Two, yeah i was born with em." dirk put his shades on the counter
"For real? You arent being sarcastic again?" he is surprisingly enthustiastic about dirks eyes. "I feel like i have to assume everything you say is ingenuine."
"he does have an intrinsic habit of spewin fictitious garbgage"
"Yep. This time it isn't cool kid shit, my eyes are very much orange. Also dude, why're you so enthusiastic about this-"
"YOU HAVE ORANGE EYES." oops, he winds it back a little bit. "Sorry. But, you have orange eyes?? Its just, cool??"
"it is pretty cash money im not gonna lie," she nodded, arms folded, "id imagine you wear the shades to keep the fangirls off your ss, same reason i wear the helmet"
"Yeah. But i do get the occasional fanboy. That's my favourite time of the day."
"I dont go out enough to get fan-anything. I probably look like shit most of the time though. You guys are seeing me at my literal best."
"cant relate bro, its fckn tough lookin this good all the time, its a blessing and a curse"
"The fangirls.. jeez. One time i had to like, actually confront a bitch, yknow."
he scoffs, about to insult her before squinting at clem. at clems visor. "You... you have a motorcycle helmet on. How is that tough."
"i dont see you bein forced to wear a helmet to hide your petrifying beauty from the general public, im like medusa up in here," she shook her head, "if one of yall mthrfckrs were to catch a glimpse of what dwells behind this wicked helmet, youd never be able to look at regular humans the same way"
She leaned back and looked away, "im doin you a service dawg"
dirk is now going to zone out and think about boys for 2 minutes because fuck he's gay.
"I think id be fine if i saw under the helmet. I believe youre overhyping this secret. Unless..." he points an accusing finger at clem. "Do you have super cool eyes like dirk?"
"yes dude, my eyes are outrageously incredible," she nodded, "that kinda things a given for radical individuals with concealed oculars"
"I know youre being sarcastic, but do you?" hes being serious. "Itd make you like, 10 times more cool."
"like, i guess," she looked away, "not somethin i like talkin about"
"besides, if i was any cooler the universe would most definitely freeze over and implode"
dirk zoned back in. he's done thinking about boys for now. he decided to pretend to be listening, but has no idea what the fuck was talked about
"Im surprised the universe hasnt collapsed from how heavy your ego is." he sighs tiredly. "But at least the motorcycle helmet makes you look all mysterious. Like, everyone you walk by must instantly question whats under it."
Clem shrugged, "what can i say, i do a good job of holding everything together" She rubbed the back of her neck, "im sure they do, dude. keep em guessing, ya dig"
"Damn. Im jealous. I should get a signature style or something." he takes off his glasses. "Does it count as a twist that my glasses are fake?"
"Yes. Yes it does." dirk still looks kinda zoned out
"wow really no way," Clem said flatly, "yeah bro thats crazy, what a fckn twist"
he frowns and looks down. "Right, so interesting..." he sighs and puts the glasses back on.
"im just pullin your legs off bro, they suit you"
Clem gave Kris a playful jab in the arm.
"Fake glasses suit me? What does that say about my personality?" he gives clem a poke in the arm back without looking up. "At least its something. I put them on whenever i go out. It tells my brain to act decent. Doesnt usually work though."
shit dude, now dirk is actually 100% zoned in. "You act pretty nice."
Clem shrugged, "they say that youre a hipster who has a thing for eyes i guess," she put a hand on her shoulder, "and that you give a sht about how people see you"
"I would say thats a bad thing. I give a shit too much of the time, i think. For no reason." he gets even more upset. internally, of course. "Sorry. Im talking about myself and bringing down the mood. Who the fuck even cares about stupid glasses??"
"I wear glasses like,, all day every day, my guy,," dirk put his shades back on
"Yeah, for a reason. Your eyes would attract a lot of attention. And it fits your stoic act. Shades are cool."
"maybe you should try wearin sunglasses sometime kris, then you can say your eyes are purple or whatever"
he chuckled and shot back, "But that isnt as special as actually having purple eyes. And i cant pull off sunglasses. Ive tried it, i looked like a man in his late 30s trying to be trendy."
"That's.. that's oddly specific.. what." Dirk moved his head slightly upwards to actually look at Kris.
"But its true! At least, it was what mostly everyone was telling me that day. I settled for the fashion glasses after that." he looks at dirk. "How the fuck do you wear those and not look like a total idiot? How??"
"Because i'm cool as fuck. It's like, cool kid magic. You wanna try them out?"
"Fuck no. Ill look amazingly awful. Keep your anime shades on your face and your face only."
"I doubt that, but you do you." dirk fucked around with the gay ass pins on his hoodie
he crossed his arms. "That was a passive aggressive way of saying that im a coward. Give me the damn shades."
Dirk chuckled and took off the shades, handing them to Kris. He then re arranged the mfin pins.
kris took off his glasses and set them down on the counter. "If you laugh at me, ill end you." he glared at dirk before putting on the ridiculous shades.
Clem silently stared at Kris and shook her head slowly.
"bro," she paused, "thats the most beautiful thing ive ever seen"
he looks at clem, but you cant see it through those sick shades. "Haha. Thats the funniest thing youve said so far. Any last words before i take them off?"
"Dude. Honestly, you look pretty epic in them."
"you say that like im gonna fckn die bro, but no not really," she shrugged, "you do look pretty bangin though cuh"
"Yes, you will die. I will stab you with the unnecassary pointiness of these sunglasses." he takes them off and gives them back to dirk.
Dirk puts them on his own face >-> "I mean. They are pretty pointy. One time one of my friends was fuckin around with them and almost poked an eye out."
"They can be used as a projectile. You throw that motherfucker at someone and boom. An ironic death."
"damn bro, what a way to go," she shook her head, "fckn slain by the ironic anime equivalent of a wearable batarang"
"Id happily accept this death. Id want it put on my gravestone." he smiles at the ridiculousness of the shit hes saying.
"Kris. Slain by the ironic anime equivalent of a wearable batarang. That has a nice ring to it."
"Ironic as fuck tombstone. You would be proud. Im moving this to top five on my list of ways id prefer to go."
"You have a whole ass list of ways you want to die? That's. Why am i surprised, that's weirdly common. At least with the people i know it is."
"im gonna bust a rhyme so seismic that my entire body will instantly explode, i know it for a fact"
"Shit dude. Rest in peace, Clem. Died from busting some sick ass rhymes."
"You will be missed. At your funeral, Ill be sure to play your hit songs that youll definitely have by the time you die. Everybody there will solemnly be busting a move."
"thanks, bro, that means a lot," she nodded respectfully, "maybe dont play the one that blew me up though, dont want to cause any collateral damage"
"Yeah. Honestly, i'm prolly gonna die to one of my swords. I just leave the things everywhere."
"You should clean them up. You dying wouldnt be very cool. Dont be uncool, dirk."
"You make a good point. If i don't go out by the swords, it's gonna be Cal."
"yeah dude the latter seems way more likely, that creepy fckr looks like he hasnt eaten a soul in a while, maybe youre next"
"Honestly, he might go for my bro first. He hates Cal. Which is understandable. Cal is a creepy little shit."
"Why do you keep him around?? Destroy him. For good. Please."
"I keep him around because fuck you, and no, i'm not going to destroy him. Sure, it's a little creepy that he's his own sentient being, but he's kinda chill."
he grabs dirk by the shoulders >:( "No!! He is not chill! Hes going to steal your fucking soul!"
sbahjsjidbxkssusk "Dude. I'll be fine. Trust me."
"I never sleep, so he can't get me then, and i'm just used to him fuckin sneaking up on me, so i should be fine."
"Concerning. You should probably sleep. I mean, im being a hypocrite, but still."
brrrrrriambeingtouched "most of the time i just cant sleep, so i don't. And now i know why i'm tired all the time."
"bro, you have to sleep sometimes, otherwise swords and puppets are the least of your worries"
he realizes hes still aggressively holding dirks shoulders and lets go of him. oopsie. "Well theres probably sleeping meds you can get or something. Sleep is important. Do i need to educate you on the effects of not sleeping?"
"No thanks mom. My top three worries are; puppets, my depressing loneliness, and swords, so. I'm good."
"You should get your priorities in check- *\are* you good? For real? You are extremely concerning."
"yeah dude you kinda seem like youve completely given up all hope on life but i might be reading too much into it"
"No, that's.. That's pretty accurate, actually. I lead a sad life."
"D'aw shit. Do you need a hug? Clem give him a hug."
"the fck, no, what do you take me for"
"Im not gonna do it! I havent hugged anyone in years! Give him a fucking hug."
okay this is fine :/
"no dude please, be my fckn guest, you need a hug as much he does"
She folded her arms.
yeah okay talk about me like i'm not here :/
"Maybe YOU need a hug! Do you need a hug, clem? Dirk give clem a hug." he mockingly folded his arms too.
Clem growled and aggressively hugged Kris.
"hows this, you fckn loathsome pouch of dragon scrotum"
"aaaAAAA-" kris pushed clem off and immediately stood up. he glared at her without saying anything else.
Clem stared back, emanating furious hug energy.
"fckn therapeutic isnt it"
he held his arm in uneasiness. *No!! Not really!! Next time you do that, im going to literally punch you. To be honest it probably wont hurt but still!"
Dirk is just sitting here being a sad child with a headache
"bold of you to assume therell be a next time, a hug from me is a legendarily rare occurrence, and you squandered it"
"Maybe you shouldve used it on dirk! I dont want any stupid hugs!" he sits back down, a little bit further away from clem than he was before.
"douche one flailed, mad at number three, sain 'two is the sad one why did you hug me', but the meaning of me actin amicably remains deep underneath an uncomforting sea, see-", she stretched her arms out, "thats just how things should be. when i feel like i need to distribute the glee i just decide to go give my homie a squeeze while ignorin the fact that he didnt say please, ay"
"There was no glee in that hug, first of all. That was very aggressive. Dont force hugs. Weirdo."
that cheered dirk up a bit. good job, Clem. You and your sick rhymes save the day once again.
"two's smile grew from the show of affection, once i cast a slick rhyme in his general direction, inevitable section ripe with venerable flection down correctionless perfection on objective interjection, yuh," she table drummed, "i never knew id be formin these connections with a pair of genuflectionless bipedal live erections ive decided sans election to erect a lyrical dissection of the vocal disinfection masked as funny misdirection"
"Mm. Are you done? Or are there more jumbled rhymes to be rapped?" he regrets pretending not to be impressed immediately. he assume clem takes no offense.
Clem shrugged, leaning back, "yeah thats about enough for a full song, so im done for now dawg, sorry to disappoint for once"
"That... that was amazing. How the fuck-" dirk forgot about the sads, now he's just like,, woahh
kris is quiet. theyve barely known him for any time, but it should already be known its weird for him to be quiet. he has that douche affect.
"thanks, it was alright i guess," Clem leaned back, "why you so quiet, number one"
"...Because fuck you thats why." he drums his fingers absentmindedly on the bar. not drummy enough to be turned into a beat for a rap, though.
"Dude.. you good? Seriously. You're not being that douchey, and that's worrying me."
"Like, you're a 2/10 on the douche scale when you're normally like,, a 5/10."
"Really? Okay, you havent known me long enough to guess an average douche scale. Id put myself at a 7/10. And im just a little silent. Ive been yelling at you two all evening."
"six and a half out of ten," Clem said, leaning forward, "but i get it, you gotta recharge" She adjusted her boot and leaned back.
"do you two use trollian"
"Yeah, sometimes. And by that i mean like all the time."
"Oh, yeah. Sometimes. On the occasion that my brain has been reduced to a pile of mush so retarded, i understand the things people talk about on there."
"i get that dawg, decipherin the dregs of decomposed intelligence that go through there can be a pain in the ss sometimes, but theres some sufferable dudes on it and its convenient," she shrugged, taking out her phone, "what are your handles"
"Bars. Mines timaeusTestified." dirk like leaned back in his seat. beacuse low-key bored
"Oh..." he forgot that these people tolerate him. and that theyd want to contact him again. "compulsiveArsonist. Its lame, i know that."
Halfway through typing in Kris' name, something clicked in Clem's head. She looked up at him.
"no fckn way, dude, youre that sshl," she let out a stifled chortle, "you owe me your wallet"
"I... what? My wallet? What are you talki- whats your handle?" he tried to think of where he might recognize that from.
"the one, the only, blazingsunrise bro"
She leaned back. God, fucking with Kris online was so fun, and it's been just as enjoyable in person.
mm. awkwardtimeawkwardtime.
he thought for a second before staring at clem. clems visor. his eyes widened. "Oh. Shit, were you that poser who claimed you knew my secret, or whatever??"
"close, dawg, im the empyrean esper who got inside your head despite the thickness of your cranium," she finished typing in his username, adding the both of them to her chumroll, "small world, i guess sshls really do attract"
he laughs and scratches the back of his neck nervously. "I had a really bad day when i went on trollian that time. Like, worse than usual. I dont remember if you made it better, but i remember kicking over a trash can."
dirk is still in awkward because 'fuck. they know each other.'
"Do you still think the same about me? Was your prediction correct about my entire personality? Because you turned out to be just as douchebaggy as i thought."
"i was fckn with you to the extreme, so ive got no idea if i made your day better either," she shrugged, "but yeah youre about how i expected, and thanks bro"
do i have to keep saying that dirk is really fuckin awkward, or-
"Ah, shit. Itd be wild if we knew dirk from somewhere too. Then the douchetrio could be considered meant to be."
ah shit i've been mentioned "Yeah. It'd be pretty wild."
"douchetrio, catchy name," Clem nodded, "maybe we did meet before and just didnt notice, the universe works in fcky ways"
"That would be cool. I wish the universe destined two people who would tolerate me to meet me sooner, though. Kinda rude to be honest."
"Cant belive the universe had the gal to have you not meet us sooner. Like, who does that? The universe does."
he chuckles. "The universe is an asshole! Thats a lesson i learned some time ago. But, yknow, maybe you two make up for it." kris is ice cold to everyone. but when he meets someone who understands, its like damn true love.
"Tell me about it. I mean, the universe kinda screwed me over with the eyes. Now i'm too cool for humanity.. and.. troll.. humanity.. whatever you call that."
"Trollkind. Well, without your cool eyes, would you have a need for those cool shades? I think thats a gift. Now you always have a weapon on your face in case of emergencies."
"Good point. Though, i do have a sword on me at all times. And a creepy ass sentient puppet."
"the universe has a habit of screwin over cool people, its its own way of balancing things out i guess"
"Yeah, really. If the cool people dont have tragic or unfair lives, are they really cool? Thats the real question."
"That. That is a great point. Gotta have a tragic backstory."
"nah, then theyre just posers or serial killers," she nodded, "or both"
"Well, i'm pretty sure i'm not a serial killer. Like, 90% sure."
"bro, that is not an ideal amount of certainty, but ill accept it," she looked at Cal - if he was even still there - "though im like ninety percent sure that little spooky bstrd has lobbed off a few heads"
"Honestly, he probably has. I wouldn't know." Cal giggled. oh god, oh fuck.
"Cal definitely has killed. And i dont think hell stop killing. Please get rid of him before he overturns Amalgama. Or at least before he kills you." kris yells when cal giggles and doesnt take his eyes off the puppet.
Clem reaches for her bat again, "bro, i will turn him into dust, will you put him in a bag or a furnace or somethin"
"I'm not gonna burn Cal. Also, please don't attempt at hitting him again-"
"Yeah, clem. Only hit cal when he isnt wrapped around dirk. We only save that move for desperate situations."
"sure, dude, ill wait til the malodorous pouch of donkey scrotum is around your neck instead"
"I dislike how used to cal you are. Thats dangerous. I seriously think you should let us get rid of him." hes talking to dirk, but still staring at the dumb puppet.
"Okay, but what if. No." Dirk moved Cal a little farther from Kris, but still on his shoulder
"alright, ive thought about your opinion, and i counter it with this," Clem gripped the handle of the bat, "what if, yes"
"Why do you guys hate him- he's only a sentient, probably murderous pupp- okay, yeah i see what's wrong with that. But i'm still not getting rid of him."
"Why not? You have some fair reasoning in front of you. Kill the puppet!" he casually partly hides behind clem. cal keeps staring at him. >:|
Cal giggled again "I have my reasons. And said reasons are personal."
"be real with us bro, are you a serial killer"
Clem unsheathed her bat.
"We probably walk by 10 serial killers a day. You can be honest. Its become the norm."
"I'm.. i'm not a serial killer- If i were a serial killer, i'd be off serial killing right now."
Clem nodded and sat back, "yeah, thats logic, for some people"
"You right, you right. Foolproof logic right there. Serial killers definitely do nothing but serial kill, all the time."
"I mean, it is pretty sus that i keep a sword on me at all times, and have a psychopathic sentient puppet, but murder isn't chill."
Clem stared with suspicion.
"alright dude, gonna be real with ya, youre really not helpin your case here"
"Murder isnt 'chill'? Is that really all youre defending yourself with?" he narrowed his eyes. "From which species would you rather kill, a human or troll?"
"I'd rather kill neither- What kind of question is that? Do you just go around asking people if they'd rather kill humans or trolls-"
"solid answer bro"
"No! Its already been established that i dont talk to people. Im just tryna figure out if youre really innocent or not. Dunkass."
Kris,,, guess who's on your shoulder,, :)
it's Cal if you couldn't tell
Clem raised her bat, staring at Kris.
"dude, dont move"
kris went completely fucking still. he was scared as shit. "If i die, dont search my house. Dont let anyone search my house."
"You're not gonna die, dude." Dirk just fuckin walked over and took his chi- puppet, then walked back to his seat.
Clem started swinging the bat before Dirk grabbed Cal, pulling the swing at the last moment so as not to hit anyone.
"bro what the fck that was my chance to take him out"
Dirk sighed, unsheathing his sword "Want me to do it?"
Clem took a number of steps away from the serial killer, and nodded.
Dirk stood up and threw Cal into the air. He then swung his sword, slicing Cal clean in half. "Done." He then re-sheathed his sword and sat back down
"Jesus! Okay, you have definitely killed someone before, no innocent person can do that with a sword." kris relaxed now that the puppet was seemingly dead.
"So what if i have. It's not like i frequent murders or some shit." dirks tone of voice sounds like,, smad or like,,, melancholy
Clem looked down at the corpse of Cal and gave a solemn nod. She looked up at Dirk. "whod you kill"
"None of your business." Douche number 2 kinda like,, snapped at Clem :(
dirk sighed and got up, walking over in the direction of the bathrooms
kris frowned and looked at the floor "...Maybe asking about murder isnt a good way to manage a friendship." maybe that should be common sense.
"sht, bro, believe it or not i dont have much experience managin friendships with murderers, yuh," she folded her arms, looking in the directions of the bathrooms, "i get the feelin hes hidin a lot"
"I do too, but we still have only just met each other. Maybe the reason was just? He doesnt seem like the type to kill for fun or something..." he cringes at the stupidity of his own words.
"yeah, like maybe his father turned evil and he had to take him down before he could level the entire tri state area or some sht," Clem shrugged, "he seemed pretty bummed out about it"
"I feel stupid for even asking. It was stupid to begin with." he punches the inside of his palm. he wasnt used to making someone he actually would worry about upset. its making him upset. ):
"dont worry about it bro, sht happens, we just have to hope he wont wanna take us down next"
"Should i check on him? I feel like i should. I dont know... uh, what to do after making someone upset."
Clem shrugged, "if you want, bro, but youd be invitin yourself to be the first one to die"
"I dont..." he stood up. "Im gonna go in, uh... if i dont come back in 10 minutes call the police. Even though im sure ill be fine."
he walks to the bathroom and, after taking a breath, opens the door. "D...dirk? Are you here?"
ya boi,, yuh he there. his shades are on the sink counter, and he's jus like,,, staring into the mirror. it look like he been doin the eye sad. (the cry) his sword isn't sheathed, but. prolly no murders. prolly.
"Dirk?" he takes a step closer to the sad man. "I didnt mean to upset you, i..." he looks at dirks unsheathed sword and the general area of the restroom to make sure there isnt anything worrying.
Dirk put his shades on pretty fucjin quickly, still staring into the mirror. "Its fine." he sounds a mix of sad, mad and something else. though i'm the one writing this, i can't tell what.
"No, i was asking really bad questions. You shouldnt be fine with that..." he looks down, he feels like hes unable to look at dirk.
"Look. It's fine, okay? Just.. don't bring it up again." Dirks tone of voice changes to more sad then mad:( and he finally looks away from the god forsaken mirror. "I'd rather not have to think about it."
kris nods and looks up, but is avoiding eye contact (or sh... shade contact?) with dirk. his face shows obvious signs of guilt. "Im really sorry. Are... are we cool?"
"Yeah, we're cool dude. I know you didnt mean to hurt my feelings. not that they were hurt in any way."
"If saying that makes you feel better, then sure." he hesitates before speaking again, "Really sorry, again. Im glad there isnt a big issue..." :(
Clem took out her phone, considering calling the emergency services, but got distracted fucking around on Trollian.
"Its fine. Really." Dirk re-sheathed his sword and adjusted his glasses. "We should get back to Clem."
"Oh, right. Hopefully she hasnt called the police." he stared at the ground again. "For no particular reason." fuck
"Not gonna ask. Let's just go" dirk walked over to the door and opened it, holding it for Kris
kris smiles at the friendly, but stupid, gesture. "Thank you, my liege." he mockingly bows to dirk and walks through the door.
dirk does a 'pfft' and walks out after Kris :DDDD
Clem took a sidelong glance at Kris at he stepped out of the bathroom, relaxing in her chair a bit and sheathing her phone. She gave the pair a nod as they returned.
"Were cool again." he sits down again. "I honestly feel like i just defused a bomb- shit, no offense." he regrets talking before thinking.
"Nah it's chill." dirk sat down in his seat and kinda like,, stared into the distance
"a bomb sht" Clem sat forward, looking at Kris, "bro, what did you eat"
"Thats obviously not what i meant!" he tries keeping a straight face. it fails. "Dumbass jokes."
Clem stifled a small chuckle and sat back again with a shrug, "whatever you say, bro, i aint the one who has to clean your aftermath off the walls"
Dirk slightly did a ha but not really. My guy needs a feelings jam,,
he rolls his eyes. "Shut it. Was the best joke you could come up with really toilet humor??"
Clem shook her head, "dunno what makes you think im jokin dawg, explosive diarrhoea is a real issue, i dont wanna dunk on your horrific condition like that"
"Jesus christ. The things you say just keep getting more and more incredulously ridiculous." he accepted his fate of clems assetry.
Clem blinked, snapping out of some sort of daydream about expeditiousness agriculturalists, and nodded.
"gotta up the ante or get shot in the chest through the table, dawg," she looked at Dirk, "everything good with you, number two"
Dirk shrugged "Yeah, i guess so." Hes still staring at god knows what. I'm pretty sure he's disassociating,,
kris stared at dirk. worriedly. "Are you sure? Now youre the one whos quiet."
"Mhm." he's jus,,, still staring off into the distance "I'm sure."
kris frowns. he knows something is up, but hes worried hell upset dirk again. "Is there something on your mind...?"
"Why do you ask?" Dirk actually fugin looked at Kris, instead of staring off into space.
he looks to the side. he has a problem with eye contact. shade contact. "You seem distracted. "
"Hm. Yeah, i guess there's something on it." Dirk decidedly hummed Clems rap,,, bc it's amazing,,,,
"damn, bro, im i gonna have to bust anotha rhyme"
She folded her arms and leaned back,
"exposure to kris faecal explosion mustve scarred you"
"Scarred for life, dude." Woah, Dirk smiled. It's a mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRiCaL!
"Dirk! Not you too! Nothing like that happened!" kris pretended to be sincerely offended, but he smiled when dirk did.
"Nah man, i witnessed that shit with my own two fuckin dope eyes. You can't deny it any longer." Ah yes, Dirks getging back to normal
"its two versus one dawg, just own up to splittin the brown sea already, we wont judge"
At this point, Dirk was giggling. Man, that's adorable. One point to doucebags 1&3 for cheering up 2 and making sure there's no homicides
"No, fuck you! Im innocent!" he started laughing while talking because dirk. dirks laugh is infectious.
Clem stifled a small chuckle and shook her head.
"whatever you say, compulsivearseblaster"
It laughs. Like, full on laugh. Yay you fixed him :D "Nice one." high-five
Clem returned the high five. She was much more of a fistbump person herself, but she wasn't letting herself do that awkward thing where one person high fives and the other fistbumps; she was WAY too cool to let something so soul-destroying happen.
"thanks bro"
kris laughs again. "This is so terrible. Your jokes pain me." he isnt very convincing. hes been laughing at all of clems jokes.
"You're a horrible liar, dude. Like, if this was a competition, you'd get dead last. And then some." more laughter :D
"Shut up! Im not even trying. I dont see you being a master liar!" he points at dirk. >:(
"i can tell youre both pretty deceptively challenged"
Clem adjusted a boot,
"but thats a good thing, for me anyway"
"I know how to lie!" he looks down. "Why should i actually try to lie about laughing at your jokes? Theres no reason to."
"Touche." Hey guys uh, Cals,, dead?,, body is gone,,, that's prolly not good. Dirk decided to low-key stare at Kris, because FUCK he's gay.
"Yeah. Thats what i thought." kris stared back at dirk. it didnt fully register in his brain that they were staring at each other, but what he DID notice after few seconds was the lack of puppet corpse in the corner of his eye. he looks at the now cal-less floor in slight fear. "That isnt good."
"Yeah.. we should probably be worried." Dirk jus,, jus gon keep doin some gay shit. "Wonder where he went."
he looks at dirk again. "You dont sound very concerned. Itd be comforting if you sounded more concerned."
"I'm thinking about other stuff right now. My brain hasn't fully comprehended what the fuck is going on. I'll show more concern when i'm done fully processing it."
Clem sat up and looked around for Cal. If her helmet could perspire, it'd have cold sweat running down it. She looked at Dirk.
"yo dawg, i get it, but can you give like an estimate on how long its gonna take for you to flip your sht over the fact that your murderous frenetic puppet son stopped bein fckn dead all of a sudden"
"Three... two.... one. WherethefuckisCal." Dirk stopped fuckgin staring at Kris and actually looked around
"Fuck, man!! Hes probably back for revenge! An angry puppet is NOT what i would like to be dealing with right now!" he looks behind him first, and touches both his shoulders to make sure there isnt a cal on him. there isnt, thankfully.
"Yeah. Same here." Dirk got distracted , and now there is a muderous puppet on his shoulders
kris looks at dirk and his eyes widen. "D...dirk... um...." he points at cal. "Youre the sacrifice."
Clem stood up and pulled her baseball bat out, winding it up over her shoulder. "exorcism is ripe with collateral damage, dirk"
"Well, let's see, it's either death or get hit with a bat. Go wild, Clem." Dirk took off his totally ironic shades. My guy do be lookin genuinely worried/scared tho
Clem took a step back, before swinging the bat in such a way that the tip of it would hit Cal, but not Dirk.
Cal has been hit. but now, Clem has a visitor on her helmet. Said visitors hands jus reaching down to where her eyes should be. When Clem swung, Dirk like,, shut his eyes, because It Is A Bat
kris is staying the fuck out of this sick commotion. hes just staying still in hopes cal wont target him that way. like a dinosaur. that was a dinosaur movie.
Clem flailed, grabbing at the unwelcome visitor on her helmet and trying to toss him to the ground.
"hands off the fckn merchandise you malignant marionette"
cal said Bye Sisters and all up n left. yall should be good,, for now,,,
he sighed in relief and then looked at clem. "...Malignant marionette? How do you have the brainpower to come up with a puppet insult, mid-puppet strife?"
"i dont know, bro, it just pops off the thinkpan like wicked hot stovetop popcorn," she folded her arms and sat down, calming her shit, "its one of my many specialties"
he scoffs at clems casual assetry. Thinkpan is the troll word for brain, right? I should actually learn troll words. All of it is ridiculous."
Dirk put his shades back on. "Imagine not knowing troll terminology. Like, who wouldnt know troll terminology."
"Shut up!! Its perfectly normal not to learn all of them! Its a lot of dumb words, okay?" hes getting defensive for no reason.
"theyre pretty sick words, cuh, flow off the tongue like warm milk that had clay dipped in it" She nodded.
"Yeah dude. Wait,, clay dipped in milk?" Dirk turned approximately who the hell knows degrees to look at Clem.
Clem waved a dismissive hand, "it was a throwback to a comment made like a couple hours ago," she re-folded her arms, "it seemed like it was made ten days ago to onlooking deities or whatever, ya dig"
he chuckles. "Im deciding now not to ask questions about anything clem says, ever. It will safe me a couple years of my life."
"Understandable." Dirk adjusted his shades, and went back to gayly staring at Kris.
"Anything i say will be turned into a weapon. Anything i do will be turned into a rap verse. Anything i ask will be regretted within three seconds of explanation."
Clem nodded, "im like a euphonious macgyver readin your miranda rights, anythin you say can and will be used against you in a court of conversational bdssry"
D-Strides, but the older one,,,, it giggle,,, >:] "I am failing to understand how you just.. think of this shit." moregaystaringhdsksh
"Yeah. Shes a wizard with words. Wait, wouldnt it be a witch? A sorcerer. No! An alchemist and thaumaturge of funny. Got it."
Clem put her hands together and sat up, "now youre gettin it bro, slam out those verbose sentences and stock em with archaic synonyms, while makin farfetched analogies like a conspiracy theorist graspin at the last straw on the camels back"
he giggled. "Its like you read a dictionary every night before bed. Whoa, thatd actually make sense. Have you read the entire dictionary?" hes only being half sarcastic.
"no bro, i havent read the fckn dictionary, do i look like im deservin of an atomic wedgie like what the fck"
She shook her head.
"i read other sht, and occasionally use thesaurus websites, and overall am just incredibly talented"
fudfckitstoogayforlife. "That makes sense. Who the fuck would sit down and read the dictionary?" he jus,, still staring at Kris,,,,
"Hey, i was joking!!" no you werent. "Why do you two take everything i say as sincerity?" they should.
"Because it's funny to see you get all worked up over it. You defending yourself like that is the one of best things i've witnessed today."
"Oh, fuck off." kris punched dirk in the shoulder (half playfully, half in anger). "Like i havent noticed you staring at me. Thats pretty entertaining."
fuc i've been caught- Dirk rubbed his shoulder in fake pain "I haven't been staring at you. What makes you think i've been doing that?" liar
"Liar! I didnt even need to see through your shades! You were outright staring at me! Its like you were trying to get me to notice."
"yeah bro you made it pretty obvious, you were starin at him like there was money in it for you, prolly not even blinkin under those shades"
heehee funny blush go brrrr,, Dirk crossed his arms and sat back in his seat. Talking is for losers. He's looking down now. Not at all at Kris,,
"...Shit, the great stoic legend has been defeated. Thats weird." he touches dirks shoulder. "Cmon, you cant just go all quiet when i tease you back. Thats unfair."
JDJDLSHnoremaincalm. "No. You're getting the silent treatment, because im a douchebag."
"We are both douchebags! You dont get a free pass! You arent allowed to go silent!"
Kris,,, ya boi dirk,,,, he ticklish, you made him giggle :pensive: "Who said i'm not allowed to go silent? What if i took a totally ironic oath to be silent from this second on and you made me break it?"
"Thats your fault for breaking it. And for forming it in the first place. Oaths are stupid." he pokes dirk again.
Dirk is attempting to fight the Homestuck giggles. and failing. "Oaths are stupid. You have a point there."
Clem sat back and quietly watched as love really did bloom on the battlefield.
"Yeah!! And like, oaths are all magical and crap, being like you swear on a divine being or the bible. Do people take oaths of silence to appease the gods?? Like, 'oh im not gonna say shit for the rest of my life, meaning i will automatically get into heaven'. What are they gonna do when they die, and theres no afterlife to be had? They were just silent for no reason? Well, ill guess they would be too dead to care, but still." jesus he talks a lot.
Dirk,, fufckdgsj he snicker,, "Maybe you should go do an oath of silence. It'd help cut down 50% of the speaking people already do.. but, on the other hand, you're kinda cute when you go off on tangents like that, and you wouldn't be able to do so if you took an oath of silence."
"I dont get to talk about random things that often! I have a lot of random things i like to talk about, okay? Like, oh! Did you know the worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 5,000 years old?? And, chewing gum doesnt become rotten or anything, right? So would that old piece of gum, hypothetically, be safe to eat?"
"No, don't chew 5,000 year old gum, you fucking idiot. It's probably not.. safe to eat, seeing as it is 5,000 years old. Where do you even get the idea that hypothetically chewing 5,000 year old gum is okay?"
he sighed in annoyance, "Im just asking! If you like, cleaned it or whatever, would it be okay?? It might be all brittle but chewing gum doesnt have an expiration date!"
Clem shook her head and sat forward slightly. "dude, it doesnt take a gumshoe to realise that stickin a piece of primordial plastic in your mouth aint a good idea"
She rubbed her arm.
"it prolly contains the spirit of its original chewer, as he wails in eternal agony from bein stuck to the bottom of a desk for five millennia"
"Well i dont believe in voodoo shit like ghosts." he pauses before mumbling, "you lose up to 30 percent of your taste buds during flight."
"Why do you know these things. I mean, honestly, it's pretty cool that you do.. but, just... why" fufckKrisisbeinstaredatagain
"I just DO! Theyre moderately interesting facts and i like to say them! Im used to people calling me a dork, so theres no one to stop me!" he smiles and adds, "Tree shrews are the only animal, besides humans and trolls i think, that like spicy food."
Clem shook her head at Dirk and the dork. These two were seriously wack. "alright factoid factory whats the meanin of this, you auditioning for jeopardy or some sht"
"I go on articles at like, 3am. Its fun to know these things." he shrugs. "Its something interesting, at least."
"How about, instead of that.. you fucking sleep at 3am. Yknow, that thing you need to do so you're not exhausted all the time? Sleeping is good for mental health too." fufkc
"it aint always that easy, douchebag number two," Clem said, leaning back, "let the man sleep whenever he wants yo"
"Yeah!" poke. "Nosy motherfucker. Oh, i have a favorite fact. Nobody knows who invented the fire hydrant because the patent for the hydrant was lost in a fire. Funny, right?"
hdkshs stop poke,, it make giggle "Sorry i care about you." quietchild "Though, that is pretty funny. But It's also pretty ironic."
"I knew you were gonna say it was ironic!" pokepokepokepoke. feel free to suffer. "Is irony all you care about?"
moregiggling, thank you Kris. "No. As i just said, i care about you. And i don't belive you yourself is irony."
"Oh, fair. You want more ironic facts?" he stops poking dirk and thinks for a second. "Charles darwin, infamous for his theory of evolution and survival of the fittest, married his cousin."
he sighed "That is pretty ironic. And fucking weird. Like, where did he live, Alabama?" (hhahhahhh i'm so funny) wait finally he stopped poking me-
"Well, charles darwin was already a weirdo. He just made it worse. Way worse."
"Yeah, fair point." *dirk like,, disassociated for a second there. "Fun fact: i can play the first few notes of megalovania on a toy saxophone."
"Thats more idiotic than my weird fact thing. Idiot." he pokes dirk again. he definitely knows what hes doing.
"What is it with y- hheh -you and poking me? Do you have some kinda problem where you gotta poke me or the world will end or some shit?"
"Its entertaining to see your stoic barrier fall." he continues the poking. hes smiling like a jerk.
"You're the w- heheh -worst. I think you're even more of a douchebag than i am. And that's saying a lot."
he fake gasps in offence. "Whoa, how dare you. Im extremely offended. What the fuck, dirk." the poking is unyielding.
heheh "I am sincerely s- heh -sorry that i hurt your hehehh fragile ego. If needed, i have some glue to piece it back together." heehee >:|
"You cant insult me while youre giggling in between words like a clown. You sound ridiculous." the poking will never die down. kris has found dirks weakness. this is dangerous knowledge.
"maybe if you'd hehe stop poking me i wouldn't sound heheh ridiculous. You ever think of that?" dirk was slowly starting to cover his neck. we know what this means
"The point is to make you sound ridiculous! You are no longer the god of this realm." hes being a big nerd on purpose.
"You're a heheh fucking nerd. hehe Who the fuck says shit like that?" dirk got distracted from neck-covering.
"Why arent you saying shit like that? Theres nothing stopping me from being a nerd! Youd totally do that if you werent all cool and stuff!" POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE.
dirk gave into the giggles. good luck getting a response from him. he's pretty far gone.
he finally stops the poking. he laughs. "Alright, i think dirk has answered for his crimes. This is a power ill be sure to abuse."
Clem gave a quiet, stifled chuckle at the the pair's antics. Even someone as romantically deaf as her could see that there was chemistry going on here. It was like a cauldron of love about to boil over with all this unicorn crap and romantic tension, and she was the witch watching it magically stir itself. Clem let out a slight sigh and stood up.
"i should prolly leave you two to it then, got stuff i needa do"
he turns to clem. "Aw, okay. You have my handle, right? Dont,, forget about me or whatever."
Clem nodded and waved a dismissive hand, "of course, dawg, i didnt forget you the first time did i," she turned to face the door, "besides, a colossal douche like you couldnt possibly leave someones mind so easily, though i do meet a lot of sshls"
he laughs. "My neverending douchebagness is engraved into your memory. As is yours. See you later, clem." (:
Dirk dida salute thing (Virgilstyle) and smiled. "See ya around."
Clem gave a small salute in return,
With that, and a small smile underneath her helmet, Clem headed out the door, and got on her motorcycle. She had only known those guys for a few hours at most, but it felt like nearly two weeks. Time was weird like that, but still; it was nice to meet new people.
She started up her bike and drove off towards #clem-apartment.
he turns to dirk. "You wanna go too? We have each others handles, itd be better to talk online then... in a bar."
"Yeah, good point. I'll see you around, Kris." and with that fufckijn >abscond
kris grabs dirks arm before he zoomed out of the bar. "Hey, one second! What, are you in a hurry to be somewhere?"
"Oh, sorry. I'm just used to leaving every situation i'm in as fast as possible in hopes not to get stabbed. what is it?"
"...Alright, ignoring that." he lets go of dirk. "You too. I know youre cool, but dont be too cool as to forget about keeping in touch with me. That would be the unfunny kind of ironic."
Dirk smiled a bit "I won't forget, don't worry. And it's probably for the best you ignore it."
kris pokes dirk one more time. "Talk to you later, jackass." he smiles at the said jackass before exiting the bar. he started walking home, earlier than he usually would, with a newfound happiness. he was glad to have this chance at friendship.
Scene End


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