23/04/24

At work in the Bexley reception on an evening shift because they told me too late that my shift changed from evening to morning so I've had a rough day.
A patient came in today and made me laugh tho! with a silly joke about "I've come to get my cat (pussy), as in cat scan." with the most chavy swag you had ever seen. this guy did not have a single care in the world and did not give a single fuck! made me laugh so hard that I couldn't speak.
 
Today was hard tho, I’ve been in a lot of pain, struggled to keep a smile on my face for the patients.
I feel like it’s from yesterday. I feel betrayed. Matt said things he never said to me before, even things that contradict each other.
We also agreed to give each other space, even as friends, and matt talking to toby is not space, he is still in my life as I hear about him and what he thinks and everything. that does not feel like space and its making me panick. i need real space, to adjust to the new reality.
 
Toby hurts me with them seemingly not caring for me. Even if its just in the moment because their thinking more of having sex with someone else rather than my feelings. Toby doesn’t realize how much I need a caring person, and they are when they’re not thinking of sex. Its consuming them, it feels unhealthy. They’re not willing to work on it right now whilst they’re not thinking clearly. I know they will tho, once they see the trees past the forest.