Becoming Maskim

Alas, my fears were confirmed. The King, albeit through negligence and not direct action it seems, failed in his duties to his people. His rule was not righteous and the repercussions of his actions are still to be determined. Thousands may still die. The servant of good turned out to be nothing more than a mix between a tyrant and a blabbering fool. Service under him was not repentance but further sin. I tried to talk to him. I tried to make him understand his duties or at least through a pleading to his fatherly love do the right thing for his daughter. Nothing worked. All the respect I once harboured for that man turned to ash then. Not when he summoned his ancestors to kill us, not when he himself took up weapons, but when he showed such blatant disregard for the only thing that truly matters in life. Family. I fell into my old ways again and it only pains me to say that his ending was swift, leaving me with nothing but a disgusted feeling.
 
Yet it frightens me. How easy it is to fall back into old habits. The sword is so easily drawn and death has always been an easy way to end conflict. Death and torture, my old haunts. In my anger I barely thought about all the oblivious and probably innocent people that also met an end by my hand last night. They were part of the state machinery that promised to be my rescue and instead brought me lower. I was enraged and as such felt justified to do what I did. Now however, when the heat of battle has dispersed, I feel ashamed and scared. I punished them by doing what I expected them to help me leave behind. Maybe I simply can’t move past my upbringing, or maybe it’s just who I am.
 
The urge to just leave has never been stronger. Just join the fleet and sail far away, hoping that distance and time can change things. Both in me and around me. I still have unfinished tasks though. Fighting this demon can’t be anything but good right? He must be ended and there at least I can put my talents to use. Deceit, murder and threat. Despicable things but if turned against evil itself perhaps useful. Maybe that’s where salvation lays. Not in changing who I am, rather in using my evil abilities for good causes. Become a spectre of righteous vengeance. A judge and executioner for the powers of good. If so the list of those deserving judgement and retribution is long. I know just where to start…