Anvilites' Adventures #1 Prose in Miand'Mésvéstell | World Anvil

Anvilites' Adventures #1

Evening paperwork and thoughts.

Evening paperwork.
It was an unusually cool evening at the City of Concord, and as soft gusts of wind surrounded Ademal Preacte and kissed him on his cheek, he wondered not for the first time that hour, if he maybe should close the windows to his office. Or at the very least put on something warmer. But no. He again shrugged it off; he had been dealing with much colder temperatures than this and if he gave way it would just be proof that he had gone soft over the years. His comrades would surely think he overexaggerated; one did not become the High Administrator of the Anvilites' Guild for being soft and if he felt cold he had earned the right to put on something warmer. That may be so, but he did not care. It would be a waste of time anyway since he was soon done with going through this day's paperwork.
Fortunately, this had become something rather mundane over the years. Concord may be a bit livelier than other cities out there, and the Anvilites' District may be of the more, let us say, unusual spectrum, but interesting and noteworthy events rarely occurred more than twice a week. The flood of white roses that had exploded out from the World Ends Inn's well two days ago was one — Pand the Innkeeper would surely keep finding white roses scattered throughout the inn for a few more weeks onward — and then there was the Void Angler Denizen that Leno the Handyman and Astiri Astra had stumbled upon again. They had not managed to kill it this time either since it had phased through the floor, and Leno was worried that it was the same one that had nearly eaten Jimmy the Goblin a month prior. Not that that would have hurt exactly; that goblin had a knack for surviving things. Still, if the hunch of Leno was correct — and it usually was — that Void Angler Denizen would need to be taken care of. It would only be a matter of time before someone of the members became seriously hurt, or worse, and with it gone they would have at least a few weeks of modestly calm down in the Basement of World Ends Inn.
The pendulum clock on the wall chimed. Ademal raised his gaze and frowned. Already eleven o'clock? The time just passed by it seemed. The others would begin to wonder where he was at, and when that happened, they would knock on his office door. A sound that he loathed as it made his fingers itch. Maybe it reminded him too much about his previous life?
He put the paper he held in his hand and rose from the high backed chair; he could do the rest tomorrow. It would get faster too after a night's rest. He nodded to the thought, taking his rapier that had been leaning against the deks and stepped towards the door. He had come no further than halfway when someone knocked on the door.
"By Cthenth," he muttered, his grip around the sword sheath hardening. He opened the door and managed to only barley contain his surprise. Standing in front of him with a calm expression stood one of the Anvilites' Guild's founders; The Golden Matriarch. She was dressed in the usual civil attire; a white shirt underneath a dark red silk west with gold buttons. Dark trousers and knee-high leather boots with silver buckles. Sometimes he wondered if they were divine in nature, just like her Holy Garments.
"Salutations, Ademal. My apologies for disturbing you in your work."
"No apologies needed, madame. I was just on my way down to the Inn. Is something the matter?"
"Nothing for you to worry about. I was just going to ask if you wanted to accompany me down to the Inn."
"And your Husband, madame?"
"He is busy and needs some time alone."
So there was something going on. It unnerved him. Both the Golden Matriarch and the High Forger were Angels and what usually concerned them concerned the Divinities. Which was never good, something he had quickly learned after arriving in Concord.
"It would be my pleasure, as always," Ademal responded.
 

Comments

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Jun 9, 2020 03:35 by Jacob Billings

I'd suggest using either two [br]s or pressing enter twice when writing. It makes it easier to distinguish between paragraphs. Also, since I'm commenting already, I'm going to leave a grammar review as well.  

and as soft gusts of wind surrounded Ademal Preacte and kissed him on his cheek, he wondered not for the first time that hour, if he maybe should close the windows to his office.
  This is so many layers that need a few more commas to distinguish. "As soft gusts of wind surround Ademal Preacte" is a prepositional phrase meaning it needs a comma; similarly, since you're using coordinating conjunctions in the sentence, one before, which makes the given sentence an appositive. I would suggest separating the quoted section from the first sentences as well because you're pretty much at the point of a run-on sentence. "He wondered not for the first time that hour" also needs another comma: "he wondered, not for the first time that hour, if he should close the windows in his office."  
Or at the very least put on something warmer. But no.
  Again. More commas are probably needed here. "Or, at the very least, put on something warmer. No, he again..." The previous sentence fixes most of the problems. It corrects the appositive and removes the sentence fragment.  
and if he gave way it would just be proof that he had gone soft over the years.
  "if he gave way" is another appositive. It should be wrapped in commas like all previous examples given.  
one did not become the High Administrator of the Anvilites' Guild for being soft and if he felt cold he had earned the right to put on something warmer.
  Some fun bits here to do with English. "One did not become the High Administrator of the Anvilites' Guild for being soft" doesn't work because "for" is not the proper word; it would best be written as "one did not become the High Administrator of the Anvilites' Guild by being soft." Onto the second section of things to note. "And if he felt cold he had earned the right to put on something warmer." This needs commas and some other possible changes to reflect who is thinking that, as you suggest with the next sentence that his colleagues would be thinking the given situation: "and, if he felt cold, they would have believed that he had earned the right to put on something warmer."  
It would be a waste of time anyway since he was soon done with going through this day's paperwork.
  "Anyway" could be wrapped in commas. "Soon" should probably be "almost" instead based on action not time.  
Concord may be a bit livelier than other cities out there, and the Anvilites' District may be of the more, let us say, unusual spectrum, but interesting and noteworthy events rarely occurred more than twice a week.
  This is a bit difficult to work with. Technically, I think that you have a run-on sentence here. You use two coordinating conjunctions meaning it's over-complex. Simplifying it into two sentences would work best.   (Yikes. I'm running out of time to keep going. If you'd like, I can finish looking through the grammar tomorrow and add another comment. Otherwise, I'm going to just read the rest for enjoyment.)   --   Wow. That was more in-depth than I thought. Note: this isn't reflective of your work, it was quite engaging. I simply am proficient at finding grammar flaws. Additional note to make is that everything is based on American grammar. I am aware that English grammar is a bit different elsewhere in the world.

Jun 9, 2020 04:13 by Lenosallose

Thanks for the comment ^~^ Funny enough, I have begun a polished rewrite of this work (along with the follow up chapter). Still, I appreciate the criticism ^•^ I shall fix what you have pointed out. And I will do something about the paragraph space, it has been a few others who have mentioned the same issue with them as well. ^~^

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