Dead Presidents' Stadium

Are you a true American patriot? Do you want to see your former presidents in the (un)dead flesh? Do you love football? Then we've got the place for you!
  You heard that right— you can see every former president of the United States of America today! This isn't some nerd's dream where they debate policy or weigh in on current political issues— no, this is true red-white-and-blue American entertainment— football!  

The All-American Pastime

Legally, we must state that none of our dead presidents are actually one-and-the-same as the historical figures, and are, in fact, character actors. Reports of empty graves, and strange lights at night are purely coincidental. That said, these are the real deal! Watch Abraham Lincoln tackle Franklin D. Roosevelt despite being benched! See the undead fight over pigskin (both the ball and literal pig skin) every Friday night during our spectacular games! Witness halftime performances by stars from around the US! And don't forget food and drinks, brought to you by Agnew Sr.'s— including special Presidential Dogs only found in Dead Presidents' Stadium!
You'll find us in WASHINGTON D.C., along P. Lokke Rd.!   If you are a relative or descendant of one of our presidents, you won't need any directions! Just follow the ghostly whispers in your head once you enter the city!  

Come for the Show

Every Friday night our presidents are split into teams based on party lines— outliers like Teddy get to play on their own! (You'd be surprised how this isn't disadvantageous at all for him.) After this, they play! We didn't even need to teach them how— as if in every American the spirit of football is alive! In fact— they had all been playing here without an audience for decades, if not centuries! Some unpatriotic sad sack had built a crypt to keep them away from the outside world— until we stepped in!   No longer are the presidents of eras past kept from the public, now they can toss, tackle, shamble, and groan in front of millions! After the game, the audience can purchase raw meat from vendors walking between the aisles, and throw it over the edge to the victors as the losers are chained back and left hungry!   You don't want to miss our halftime shows, either! We've had big names on our field, performances from the hottest stars, such as Jill. I'm. Not., Jack Slack, A Forgotten Child Star, Dave From That One Video, and everybody's favorite author/athlete/singer/director/doctor/lawyer/stamp collector— Jimmie Wimmie Bo Himmie Jo Gimme No Kimmie Mo Zimmie! Check our website for our performance schedule, but know that some of our biggest shows can be surprises!

On the Field

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We have 40 potential players housed beneath the stadium! Everyone has their favorite, either due to their actions while living, or achievements on the field! Each is equipped with standard football attire, their uniform numbers corresponding to which president they were. (Ex. Grover Cleveland is number 22).   Despite having no coaches, each team inexplicably comes up with a game plan in a five-minute huddle before the game, splitting into defensive and offensive bodies, taking on the roles of quarterback, nickelback, and dimeback without an intelligible word uttered. Teddy Roosevelt is a force to be reckoned with, acting as an entire team— even winning against a full team of 11 other players on occasion. Taft is a unstoppable wall, typically working on the defense. Eisenhower often plays as quarterback— taking his team to victory. Andrew Jackson frequently fouls, hitting the opposing team with a cane he keeps sneaking into the field. Bobo may be unable to throw, but can catch and squeeze through the opposing team's defense to score a sneaky touchdown— there's never a dull game when Bobo's on the field!   Don't see your favorite president on the field? It may just not be their day! If a president was impeached however, they are forever benched. If you spot one of our former heads of state with a bucket firmly over their heads— that's JFK! We'd like families to be able to enjoy each game, and this was the best compromise to keep this popular player on the field and the kids safe! Please keep your distance, and don't wave hello! In their undead minds they will not perceive it as a greeting, just a meal being waved before them— making them go crazy, and having to be pulled from the field. The fence around the bottom row of seats is for your safety!

Get a photo to remember!

On special dates, we will bring our former executive branch members to a glass room where paying guests can get photographs with them in safety!*   Signatures can be bought in the form of bitemarks, for an additional fee.   *Please do not tap on the glass  
  Open from: 5-10PM Every Friday!   The 4th of July,
President's Day: 1-10PM   Other special dates— keep an eye out!   We are CLOSED every full moon! Why? Stop asking!

Viability Report

Number of Incidents: 5
Threat Level: Peppermint
With the safety and security measures we have on site, the sole danger here is to current and former U.S. presidents who pass. While there is a paranormal power at play here, its focus is only on this extraordinarily small number of individuals. Please see the logs below for information on past incidents, and the paranormal force we are dealing with.   Incident Logs for A-1776
Incident #1776-1
Date: 2/3/2005
Location: Field
Anomaly involved: A-1776-27 (AKA William Howard Taft)
Civilians involved: Man 1
  A history teacher from Michigan excitedly jumped into the field from the stands, and ran towards A-1776-27 with a microphone in hand. He was eaten alive and the stadium had to be evacuated.   Note: Build a fence around the perimeter of the stands to prevent future incidents.
  Incident #1776-3
Anomaly involved: A-1776-35 (AKA John F. Kennedy)
Personnel involved: Task Force Sewer
  A man at the top of the stands managed to sneak a rifle in, and attempted to "finish the job" and kill A-1776-35 "again." The bullet was stopped by the bucket worn by the undead president, the stadium was evacuated, and Task Force Sewer dealt with the would-be assassin.   Note: Scan visitors at the gate from now on.
  Written log #1776-1
Note: Excerpts from reports written by Dr. Janice Thomas, head researcher at the site.
  I feel it is imperative that I must write down what I have experienced since being assigned here. For one— the whispers. They bounce around my head like...someone is playing football with my brain. I don't understand why. Is it the confusion from seeing dead presidents playing football in an ancient, forgotten crypt beneath the capital city? Maybe— but I think there's something more to it. We need to explore every inch of this place, I know there's something we're missing.   -1 month later-   Another day, another ball, as they say. I think. The whispers are stronger than ever today— I can actually understand them now. We were finally able to get the presidents out of the crypt long enough to excavate something— this artifact at the center of the underground field they've been playing in for god knows how long. Under the field, poking out just a little bit, was a crystal football. We've got photos and everything. I don't think we should try to move it, it's stuck solid into the rock. But— I touched it. I touched it and it all became clear. Sokr— the god of football— has traded each sitting president their rank for eternal servitude. They must play because that was the deal they made. This is...a lot to take in. I may need to take a few days off.   -2 months later-   Sokr keeps asking me to get a crowd around it all, the presidents need to be seen, its sacred game must have witnesses. Something about me being a descendant of Jefferson allows them to speak to me— we'll need to run some experiments with any other staff who fall under this category. In the meantime, it looks like I've got a stadium to build.   -End Log-  

Viability: Fantastic

It is in my opinion that this attraction continue operating as normal. Again, the actual danger here is minimal, Sokr presents no threat to the living, only to those who made a deal with them. There's a fantastic track record of safety here, the undead aren't difficult to keep away from people. We not only get a very popular venue, and a profitable sponsorship— but also a unique look into history.
— Bwanbale ████, Viability Reviewer


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Sage Dylonishere123
R. Dylon Elder
25 May, 2020 04:11

MURICA! I think the message of this is hilarious. right off the bat, it seems you clearly define a more productive and genuinely preferable situation as unamerican. personally, i think its a waste to have these people playing football. Hits pretty close to home XD so much of this article seems to parody american sports. The hotdogs, the safety issues, and the run down of the president's positions all got a good laugh.   There is plenty of disturbing here too, the voices for the decendents, the fact that kennedy needs a bucket, when they are all undead for family safety, and the fact that this would tottally actually happen if possible. People would flock to this stadium and im not sure how i feel about that. Excellent work yet again.   The logs are the real meat here, giving extra touches of info on the fine detail. I love how you divide up the worldbuilding. Its like you keep some of the more important details hidden for those who bother to look. I like it.

Sage Timepool
Garrett Grace Lewis
25 May, 2020 05:44

Thanks! Yeah this one plays hard into APRA's recurring "capitalist nightmare" theme. I actually had to read up a bit on football to write it since I never played beyond a few times in high school.   The Kennedy joke is one of my favorites, just like, "well, he's really popular so we can't just bench him...but the kids will freak if they see his blown out skull, why don't we get a bucket over it?" There was going to be another bit about how a smiley face or a crude illustration of Kennedy's face was sharpied onto the bucket but it just didn't fit in the flow of things. And OH YEAH, people would absolutely visit this, which is both hilarious and depressing!   Glad you got to the logs! I was talking with a friend who read it and asked if they got to the logs and they just responded "what logs?" which hurt my soul— the backstory really is the meat here! Also one of the best jokes is in them. I wouldn't change it though— I like keeping them under spoilers, they're optional for those who want to dive in more. That's something I can't take much credit for though, as the idea of logs under a spoiler is directly lifted from the SCP wiki— some of my favorite SCPs have the real meat in their logs!

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