Dead Presidents' Stadium
Are you a true American patriot? Do you want to see your former presidents in the (un)dead flesh? Do you love football? Then we've got the place for you!You heard that right— you can see every former president of the United States of America today! This isn't some nerd's dream where they debate policy or weigh in on current political issues— no, this is true red-white-and-blue American entertainment— football!
The All-American Pastime
You'll find us in WASHINGTON D.C., along P. Lokke Rd.!
If you are a relative or descendant of one of our presidents, you won't need any directions! Just follow the ghostly whispers in your head once you enter the city!
Come for the Show
Try our Presidential Dogs!
Brought to you by Agnew Sr.'s, we sell an assortment of hotdogs inspiredby presidents like Teddy Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington,
and the newest to join our players— Bobo, the first and last dog to be
elected president, god rest their furry soul. This new, delicious hotdog
is shaped and colored to look just like Bobo— only from Agnew Sr.'s!
I'm enjoyin' this.
On the Field
Get a photo to remember!
On special dates, we will bring our former executive branch members to a glass room where paying guests can get photographs with them in safety!* Signatures can be bought in the form of bitemarks, for an additional fee. *Please do not tap on the glassOpen from: 5-10PM Every Friday! The 4th of July,
President's Day: 1-10PM Other special dates— keep an eye out! We are CLOSED every full moon! Why? Stop asking!
Viability Report
Number of Incidents: 5
Threat Level: Peppermint
With the safety and security measures we have on site, the sole danger here is to current and former U.S. presidents who pass. While there is a paranormal power at play here, its focus is only on this extraordinarily small number of individuals. Please see the logs below for information on past incidents, and the paranormal force we are dealing with. Incident Logs for A-1776Incident #1776-1
Date: 2/3/2005
Location: Field
Anomaly involved: A-1776-27 (AKA William Howard Taft)
Civilians involved: Man 1
A history teacher from Michigan excitedly jumped into the field from the stands, and ran towards A-1776-27 with a microphone in hand. He was eaten alive and the stadium had to be evacuated. Note: Build a fence around the perimeter of the stands to prevent future incidents.
Incident #1776-3
Date:███████
Anomaly involved: A-1776-35 (AKA John F. Kennedy)
Personnel involved: Task Force Sewer
A man at the top of the stands managed to sneak a rifle in, and attempted to "finish the job" and kill A-1776-35 "again." The bullet was stopped by the bucket worn by the undead president, the stadium was evacuated, and Task Force Sewer dealt with the would-be assassin. Note: Scan visitors at the gate from now on.
Written log #1776-1
Note: Excerpts from reports written by Dr. Janice Thomas, head researcher at the site.
I feel it is imperative that I must write down what I have experienced since being assigned here. For one— the whispers. They bounce around my head like...someone is playing football with my brain. I don't understand why. Is it the confusion from seeing dead presidents playing football in an ancient, forgotten crypt beneath the capital city? Maybe— but I think there's something more to it. We need to explore every inch of this place, I know there's something we're missing. -1 month later- Another day, another ball, as they say. I think. The whispers are stronger than ever today— I can actually understand them now. We were finally able to get the presidents out of the crypt long enough to excavate something— this artifact at the center of the underground field they've been playing in for god knows how long. Under the field, poking out just a little bit, was a crystal football. We've got photos and everything. I don't think we should try to move it, it's stuck solid into the rock. But— I touched it. I touched it and it all became clear. Sokr— the god of football— has traded each sitting president their rank for eternal servitude. They must play because that was the deal they made. This is...a lot to take in. I may need to take a few days off. -2 months later- Sokr keeps asking me to get a crowd around it all, the presidents need to be seen, its sacred game must have witnesses. Something about me being a descendant of Jefferson allows them to speak to me— we'll need to run some experiments with any other staff who fall under this category. In the meantime, it looks like I've got a stadium to build. -End Log-
Viability: Fantastic
It is in my opinion that this attraction continue operating as normal. Again, the actual danger here is minimal, Sokr presents no threat to the living, only to those who made a deal with them. There's a fantastic track record of safety here, the undead aren't difficult to keep away from people. We not only get a very popular venue, and a profitable sponsorship— but also a unique look into history.
MURICA! I think the message of this is hilarious. right off the bat, it seems you clearly define a more productive and genuinely preferable situation as unamerican. personally, i think its a waste to have these people playing football. Hits pretty close to home XD so much of this article seems to parody american sports. The hotdogs, the safety issues, and the run down of the president's positions all got a good laugh. There is plenty of disturbing here too, the voices for the decendents, the fact that kennedy needs a bucket, when they are all undead for family safety, and the fact that this would tottally actually happen if possible. People would flock to this stadium and im not sure how i feel about that. Excellent work yet again. The logs are the real meat here, giving extra touches of info on the fine detail. I love how you divide up the worldbuilding. Its like you keep some of the more important details hidden for those who bother to look. I like it.
Thanks! Yeah this one plays hard into APRA's recurring "capitalist nightmare" theme. I actually had to read up a bit on football to write it since I never played beyond a few times in high school. The Kennedy joke is one of my favorites, just like, "well, he's really popular so we can't just bench him...but the kids will freak if they see his blown out skull, why don't we get a bucket over it?" There was going to be another bit about how a smiley face or a crude illustration of Kennedy's face was sharpied onto the bucket but it just didn't fit in the flow of things. And OH YEAH, people would absolutely visit this, which is both hilarious and depressing! Glad you got to the logs! I was talking with a friend who read it and asked if they got to the logs and they just responded "what logs?" which hurt my soul— the backstory really is the meat here! Also one of the best jokes is in them. I wouldn't change it though— I like keeping them under spoilers, they're optional for those who want to dive in more. That's something I can't take much credit for though, as the idea of logs under a spoiler is directly lifted from the SCP wiki— some of my favorite SCPs have the real meat in their logs!