Contemplating Death

CJ leaned across the railing of the ship staring at the Tarkani. Its colors glowed gold and red tonight, lighting up the vastness of the heavens. They intermingled with each other, occasionally flashing and sparking, causing a bright green to appear for a moment, before settling down and flowing on as if nothing had happened.

The ship was quiet, all he could hear was the soft hum of the machinery, the snoring crew, and the hushed tones of Monty and Nazara. He stared at the two of them. He saw her stifle a giggle and Monty grin. Maybe he should join? It seemed like they were having a fun conversation. But would they even want him to join? Maybe he shouldn't, besides they were having fun without him. He would just ruin the conversation like he always did.

"Hey."

CJ jumped.

"Sorry," Monty whispered, "Didn't mean to scare you, but Zara and I are going to head off to bed. Are you good with taking first watch?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Awesome. Wake me when you're done." He said, as he and Nazara headed below decks.

CJ turned back towards the Tarkani. Its glow had changed from gold and red to blue. Even it seemed sad that Monty and Nazara had left.

As the night continued on, CJ felt the quietness of the ship start to weigh on him. Most of the time he didn't mind the quiet, but this time was different. The past couple of weeks had been filled with a strange kind of organized chaos. There was lots of planning and secret meetings, and a lot of nice, friendly people. CJ knew they meant well. They didn't mean to come off as nosy, and he didn't mean to come off as rude.

However, at this time of night, and during these days, silence was not something CJ wanted. He wanted to shout, scream, beg for someone to listen, but there was no one awake. No one to listen. No one to care. But that's the way it had always been.

Perhaps that was partially his fault. It was his fault. He refused to have a real conversation with the crew. No amount of friendly banter would ever make him think that these people were his friends. They aren't. They can't. Just a few more weeks and he would never have to see any of them again, so what was the point anyways?

The Tarkani gave a quiet pulse. It gently rocked the ship. CJ gave an audible sigh. Maybe someone will hear it. Maybe someone will care. he thought. He waited a moment. All he heard was the hum of the machinery.

Maybe he should have made more of an effort with the crew. Maybe he should have tried to get closer to them. Maybe then he wouldn't feel so horrible. Maybe then he wouldn't be standing on the deck by himself. And maybe, just maybe, he could have someone to talk to, to laugh with, to be friends with.

He shoved those thoughts aside. I don't need friends. I can do it by myself, he thought. Only for his mind to wander to his life back home. Living above a pub in a small cramped room where only a small bed fit. He had to use the restroom downstairs and shower outside. He worked at the pub just to have a place to stay, and he had barely any extra money.

CJ, clearly, could do it by himself.

He took a shaky breath. He could do this, just a few more hours and then sleep. He was just tired. That's it. He was fine.

Lonesomeness pulled on CJ's heart. Even though the ship grew quiet, his mind grew louder. He had no friends. He had no family. And that was all his fault.

He stared towards the Tarkani, its glow had turned silver. It was beautiful against the black heavens. It flowed faster than it had been. He stared at the silver glow. Occasionally, a fleck of it would touch his skin. It felt cool.

Would anyone miss him?

If he were to leave, would anyone care?

Maybe Monty. Not Nazara. Not the crew.

The Tarkani looked so inviting. It swirled below him, almost begging him to dance with it. What would happen if he did?

No one would miss him. And there was nothing for him here. What could he lose?

He reached over the railing and touched it. The silver sparked and turned into a bright, blazing red. CJ closed his eyes as the color nearly blinded him. The Tarkani enveloped his hand. He gasped and jerked it back. The Tarkani felt burning cold.

He rubbed some warmth back into his arm.

He stared back down. It changed back into a silver with small flakes of red. It'll be quick. A burning feeling, then numbness...

CJ hesitated as he climbed over the railing. No on will miss me. No one will care. This is for the best. he told himself, as he prepared to jump.

"Toa?"

CJ whipped around. Monty stood on the deck his hair a mess. He stared at CJ with confused concern.

"What are you doing, Toa?" he asked, taking a step closer.

"Why are you doing up?" CJ asked, "My shift isn't over."

"I thought I'd start mine early. Give you some company." He said, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." CJ said, still sitting on the railing. "Just looking."

"Looking?" Monty stared at him. "Why are you lying to me? Why are you even doing this? I thought--"

"What that we were friends?" CJ snapped, "You don't even know my real name!" He felt his legs start to go numb as the Tarkani wrapped around them.

"I--I--what? Probably because you haven't told me!"

"I know. It's all my fault. Everything's always my fault! This world would be a better place without me! You would be better without me! I don't even know how to tie a rope, and you thought it'd be a good idea to invite me? I'm a freak. A stupid idiot. I don't belong here!" CJ gripped the railing. His hands shook. He could feel himself slipping. It would be so easy to just let go, to just slip off. Monty wouldn't catch him and he wouldn't be able to turn the ship around and save him before he froze.

All he had to do was let go.

"Please," Monty said, "Don't do this."

"Why not?" CJ said. He took a shaky breath, refusing to look back at Monty, "Because you care about me? Because you think you're my friend?"

"Yeah." Monty said, "I do care about you. And I know you're my friend. I consider you to be a friend, whether your real name is Toa or not."

CJ turned around. He was struggling to breath now. He could feel the numbness slowly making its way up to his chest, "Why?"

"Why?" Monty sighed, "Because you've always been there for me. When we first met, I was pretty alone. I didn't know anyone and all the people I did know where drunkards or older pirates. You were the first guy my age that I could actually have a conversation with. You always talked to me when I visited, and gave me a free drink. You made me feel welcome. Like someone gave a damn about me."

CJ snorted, but didn't say anything.

Monty quietly walked over and put an arm around CJ's shoulder, "I'm here for you, man. Whatever you need."