Barkanoids

A race of anthropomorphic canines. They're friendly, charming, sociable, and everyone loves them. What a bunch of mary sues.
The Future is Now is a sci-fi memepunk setting where humanity's eradicator plagiarized the internet, claimed humanity's only remnants as their own and created a universe full of humanaboos. Let's see what legacy the humans have left behind shall we?

They're good Barkanoids bront.
— A random dude on the extranet
The Barkanoids are an ancient and noble race of carbon based bipeds with canine like features. Despite their short lifespans, they've established long standing Barkanoids packs that span back to the dawn of enlightenment. Amongst carbon based lifeforms, Barkanoids have very few enemies due to their friendly demeanor and have a great presence in the known universe.

Besides have you've seen a Barkanoid beg for food? How can you resist that face?

Extraordinary Traits

... wait, they can what?! Laser barks?! All we do is make glue from our hair!
— Jealous Alien upon first contact
Barkanoids have unique cells lining their esophagus capable of emitting various levels and frequencies of electromagnetic radiation.

Theories and Mechanisms

Most Dogtors theorize this trait originally evolved to neutralize pathogens in their food, ensuring Barknaoids can consume all manners of sustenance they find on the ground.

The cells are located deep within the esophagus; for frequencies shorter than visible light waves they must open up their throats wide enough to expose their cell lining to it's destination, this is accomplished by using a vestigial reflex when vocalizing, often referred to as a "Bork".

Common uses for Borks

  • Long distance communicate with radio-wave Borks when combined with radio receiver implants.
  • Blind enemies with high intensity light Borks.
  • Electronic interference warfare and jamming using EMP Borks.
  • Radiation poisoning by using high intensity gamma Borks to ionize organic cells, often causing cellular deterioration and death without medical assistance.
  • Barkanoids Dogtors often specialize in cancer radiation therapy due to their X-ray Borks and natural companionship abilities. Mortality and remission rates are significantly lower than standard treatments but are still concerning to Dogtors

Culture and Society

What is better? To be born a good boy or to become a good boy through great effort.
— Barkanoid Author of "We can be good doggos"
Barkanoids are one of the most influential and respected race in the universe, and are known for their friendliness and Pawsitivity .

Due to their short lifespan and lack of foresight, Barkanoids generally don't have a structured society, they instead integrate themselves into other civilizations and provide support by shaping them through Pawsitivity. In return, most, if not all carbon based sentients are willing to provide for their needs.

Religion

You are not acting like the sentients The Old Masters knew you could be
— Barkanoid Diplomat to a hostile alien race
All Barknoids have a genetic memory, one that contains a vague memories of "The Old Masters" who they claimed nurtured their race and tasked them to solve a philosophical quandary, one whose undiscovered answer plagues the greatest Barkanoid savants, "Who's a good boy?"

Even in a largely areligious universe, the Barkanoid maintain a strong faith in The Old Masters, believing they'll one day return to solve the age old question that lie within their genes. They believe that once the question is answered, the revelation will usher in a new golden age for the Barkanoids.

Ideology

The Barkanoid is simple. Be excellent to everyone and make sure they're happy. Be the Barkanoid the Old Masters knew you could be.

Government

Barkanoids follow a Dogmocracy. Barkanoids tend to form tribe like packs of roughly a dozen members. Each tribe forms chooses a representative and they form larger groups. Representatives with similar agendas ally their respective packs with each other, often forming multiple political parties that work independently of each other. As a result, Barkanoids lack a central government.  

Social Structure

Barkanoids are very sociable creatures and seek the company of others, rarely found alone. Due to their keen facial recognition are able to adapt to nearly any social situation, as a result, they're commonly acceptable into nearly every social group, even amongst solitary races.  

Economy

Due to the tribal nature of the Barkanoids, they don't have a centralized economy. Although they are commonly found in more developed societies. Common professions are Dogtors, therapists, and other social worker careers. Although few work in guard detail.

Taboo

  • Solitude, they are gifted with social traits. Many see it as an affront to The Old Masters for not using their gift to help others.
  • Hostility, Barkanoid community tend to be friendly and inclusive, they otherwise avoid hostile outsiders and will exile hostile Barkanoids if they refuse integration therapy.

Common Customs

  • Barkanoids tend to pursue interpersonal relationships very quickly and eagerly.
  • Mentorship, Barkanoids have a tendency to teach the importance of communication and showing affection to newer races, believing they had failed The Old Masters in the past for their inability to do so.
  • Initiative, due to their short lifespan, they seek to make the most of their time, meeting and cheering up as many aliens as possible.

Military

If there are no Barkanoids in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went
— Alien General
Barkanoids generally lack any form of military due their pacifistic nature but rely on integrating themselves into more well armed societies instead. Although the average adult Barkanoid can defend themselves with Borks, it is often nonlethal or takes time to harm others, as well easily negated by military technology, making their natural abilities unsuitable for firefights.

Biology

Resembles humans with dog heads  

Physique

Barkanoids are naturally fit, able to sprint quickly for short periods of time. They have a keen sense of smell and hearing that allows them to read both body language and pheromones of other races well.  

Features

Clubfoot, in order to emulate The Old Masters, they have genetically modified their natural paws to resemble that of a 5 fingered simians hand.

Pouch, they have a marsupial-like pouch for protecting their litter. Although in modern time they're used for storing equipment such as the latest B'pple smart bone.

Genetic memory, all Barknoids contain vague latent memories of "The Old Masters" who they claimed instilled a philosophical quandry within all Barkanoids, "Who's a good boy?" A question that plagues the greatest Barknoid savants.  

Lifespan

A Barkanoid naturally lives up to 10-15 years. With current medical technology, an unaugmented Barkanoid can live up to 25-30 years.  

Height

3"4 to 5"2 ft.  

Weight

51-180 lbs.  

Ideal Environment

Depending on their fur, Barkanoids can live in temperatures ranging from -50 to 110 degrees space Fahrenheit.  

Diet

Anything suitable for carbon based lifeforms and several forms of sustenance that aren't.


Cover image: The Future Is Now. by Allistar Sparks

Comments

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10 Aug, 2018 04:13

I like the details of this article. It's a unique species as well. I am curious though that with a short lifespan how they managed to make an empire. My one Critique though is whenever you used the red underline in your post. such as "Dawn of enlightenment " It is hard to read it clearly.   But overall a good article!

10 Aug, 2018 17:04

Thanks! Empire wasn't the right term for it, i've changed it to "packs" to better reflect their social structure.
I'll try to change the tooltip text, it's the default for theme but i'll figuure it out.

10 Aug, 2018 11:42

Unique idea for a species. I am not sure how they managed to make any empires lacking a central government, a military, and a good economy. The dog puns maybe are a bit forced.

10 Aug, 2018 17:17

Empire wasn't the right term, i've changed it to fit it better.
But it's good to hear that it seems forced it's suppose to be cheesy and campy in some regards due to the setting.

IbbyWondrous
Ariel Webster
10 Aug, 2018 13:57

An entire society of GOOD BOYS?! Of course I had to read it. In short, I love them. So many good boys I wanna pat them all.   It's nice to see fun, goofy articles.

10 Aug, 2018 17:23

Thanks! I wanted to try out a silly memetastic setting. I'm glad to see people like it!

10 Aug, 2018 14:10

I agree on the fact that it's odd that they managed to create a great empire with no central government. Though maybe if we, humans, were as pawsitive, inclusive and helpful as the Barkanoids, we wouldn't need politicians. Those Barkanoids are a punk-anarchist's dream come true !
I love this article. The presentation is clear, the quotes are funny, it's the perfect balance of silly and serious. It's seriously silly. I really enjoyed reading it !
They're good Barkanoids bront.

10 Aug, 2018 17:33

Thanks! I'm glad to hear you like it with it's jokes and lore dump. Maybe the Barkanoids are onto something, like being nice until someone else adopts us.
I've also changed empire to a packs so it betters fit.

10 Aug, 2018 16:50

I love this article! I hope they find the answer their philosophical quandary

10 Aug, 2018 17:34

One day, in the far future, maybe the Old Masters will come back to answer that question.
But until then thanks for the compliment!

10 Aug, 2018 20:20

Nice. It's pretty clever. Appreciate the more goofy way that you handle it.

11 Aug, 2018 03:44

Thanks! I decided to try something different and i'm glad it paid off!

Abrupt Leviathan
Abrupt Leviathan
11 Aug, 2018 01:06

Okay, so, this setting is brilliant. Can't wait to read more!

11 Aug, 2018 02:56

Thanks, slowly but surely i'll definitely be creating more wacky things in this universe!

Abrupt Leviathan
Abrupt Leviathan
12 Aug, 2018 01:22

Fantastic! I look forward to them. Gonna be following this world once I find the button.

11 Aug, 2018 06:38

The memes are strong with this one.   Jokes aside, the concept reminds me of something like Spaceballs, or similar comedy slash serious films that combine drama with ridiculousness. It's a difficult line to tread, but I think you've nailed it thus far, enjoyed it considerably, well done. The concept still makes me both sigh in exasperation, and puts the stupidest smile on my face, as was your goal, I think.

I'd love to see your own opinions on my main world, Xardia, and it's Free D&D 5e Module!
11 Aug, 2018 16:45

Thanks for the high praise! That was exactly the impression I wanted.

11 Aug, 2018 12:40

I really like how this seems silly at first, and it keeps a slightly undertone throughout, but it is still serious, detailed, and well-thought out. Fantastic!

11 Aug, 2018 16:52

Thanks! I was trying to work a balance between jokey and a fully realized article for an actual setting. I'm glad to hear that it worked out!

Eternal Deity Ademal
Ademal Jacklyn
12 Aug, 2018 20:44

This is fucking absurd and I love it.

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Admin of the WA Codex & Discord

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12 Aug, 2018 21:37

Thanks, I know <3

2 Oct, 2018 07:01

I was tickled with satisfaction reading about this adorable and endearing race! Well done Sevens!

3 Oct, 2018 00:58

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoy it, it was certainly fun to write.

3 Oct, 2018 00:44

I love this article so much, the world seems like a blast! It's the perfect blend of serious worldbuilding and utter abstract nonsense. What better way to be introduced to a world like this than with an entire race of doggos!

3 Oct, 2018 05:54

Thanks! I'm glad to hear you like the silly/serious balance. It's been a blast writing this world and these doggos are a great way to get people invested for future articles.

3 Oct, 2018 00:48

I love it!

3 Oct, 2018 05:50

Thanks!

4 Oct, 2018 00:14

We should all strive to be like the barkanoids.

4 Oct, 2018 00:55

Yes we should. They're the best people and they learned it from us.

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