Dazzle Kat Character in Toy Soldier Saga | World Anvil
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Dazzle Kat



the orphanage

  Her earliest memories began in the Talcott Orphanage on Boyer Street in the star port city of Amberport. Found as an infant in a basket on the doorstep, there had been no note or any sign of her name. The headmistress named her Joan, a name that humans often used to name unknown female children. Joan Boyer. Named for the street the orphanage stood upon was yet another naming custom for otherwise unnamed children. As she grew older, Joan learned she was the sixth Joan Boyer to be raised at Talcott. Her late-given name was not even truly hers. There was not even a number to say which Joan Boyer she was!   It was because of her ears. They were pointed, not rounded like a proper human's ears, and proof she was a crossbreed of elf and human. Not having her own name was only the first of many slights she endured for being a changeling. It was also the one that stirred a desire to make her own way so she could choose a name for herself.  

moving on

  When Joan turned ten, the orphanage declared her education complete even though they only taught her how to read, write, and do simple maths. Talcott then started hiring her out as a runner for the various shops. Purchases not expensive enough to warrant the hiring of a courier were traditionally delivered by children from orphanages to keep them too busy to get into trouble. The customers, and sometimes shopkeepers, would tip her a coin or two. For the first time, she had her own money ... until she returned to the orphanage and got shaken down for her tips.   That was the last straw for Joan. She ran away from Talcott. Calling herself Dazzle Kat, she lived on the streets. During the day she ran errands as she always did until evening when she would slip into one of the large round-earred orphanages. The children would then have to do their studies until suppertime. Dazz would then sneak back out where she often learned "fun" skills before retiring to her hideout. This was all possible because round-eared girls were expected to wear a bonnet all day, and a bonnet covered pointed ears nicely. Even better, children were not counted until they were back in their beds.   Dazz did this for years. Being so young, she would get caught and hauled off to a pointy-earred orphanage. She always ran away and went right back to her mischievous ways. And then, she was grown up and too old for the orphanges. This did not daunt Dazz. She turned her cleverness towards thievery, and made herself a comfortable living.  





The Rogue Life

  The most rewarding loot was found in the fancier parts of the city. Though it had the best loot, it also had the most protections. One manor in this place piqued her interest. It was a place rented out to the well-to-do who were in port for a few weeks getting their ships refit or trading off their cargoes before sailing off to the next planet. A particularily fat and wealthy merchant had recently rented the manor, and Dazz just had to get his loot.   There were wards placed about the manor, thanks to the merchant's wife, but they were not perfectly placed. Using a Glass of Detect magic, a framed piece of glass that reveals the auras of magic when looked through like a tiny window pane, Dazz found one such gap. It was high up and under the ivy near the roof. Careful inspection revealed it to be a very small window. A port window, in fact. It was small. So small, that she needed butter. Lots of butter.   On the roof of the manor, Dazz striped naked and greased herself with the butter. Hanging a small bag of thieving tools from her neck, she started the climb down to the window. Being greased made climbing difficult and she ended up having to loop the ivy into handholds to do it, but she managed to reach the window.   With much wriggling, and silent cursing at getting scrapes and scratchs in awkward places, Dazz squeezed herself through the window. Inside, the window was covered by a long tapestry, probably why the fat merchant's wife had failed to ward it. Dazz peeked around the tapestry. She was in a dusty and cobwebbed attic. Taking the Glass out from her bag, Dazz began to explore the manor.   Her anticipation turned to disappointment. Either the merchant and his wife were exceptionally frugal, or they were not as rich as they appeared. Determined to find SOMETHING, Dazz slipped into their bedchamber. Timing her steps with the loud snores of the husband to hide any would-be creaks, she began to search.   Suddenly, the fat merchant stopped snoring. He started to sniff.   "Mmm, butter." He murmered, rubbing his eyes.   Cursing her luck, Dazz hurried behind the closed drapes. The window was open but warded. Thankfully, the wards were to keep things out and not in.   "What?" The wife muttered. "Go back to sleep."   The fat merchant sat up and sniffed again.   "Why is there butter in our bedchambers, dear?"   "What?" The wife sat up rubbing her eyes. She sniffed. "I smell it, too. I think its coming from the window you left open."   "I did close the drapes, dear." The fat merchant said. The bed creaked and groaned. The low thud of two heavy feet stepping onto the floor followed. "I will close the window before it makes me hungry."   Cursing silently again, Dazz went out onto the window sill. The bed chamber was at the corner of the house and the gutterpipe was in easy reach. Thinking to climb it up to the roof and to her waiting clothes, Dazz grabbed hold of the pipe and swung out of the window. She had forgotten about the butter making her previous climb slippery. No matter how hard she tried to grip the pipe, she kept sliding down. Dazz landed on the ground off balance and took a tumble backwards into the thorny rose hedge seperating the manor from its neighbor.   Biting her lip to keep quiet, she crawled through the hedge to the otherside before the fat merchant stuck his head out the window.   "Hey, there's butter on the window sill!" He exclaimed.   "WHAT?!" the wife shrieked.   Dazz took off running. She kept to the alleyways and every bit of hiding she could find until she reached her hideout. There, she used a scrap of cloth to wipe off the last of the butter and dress before packing up all her things, which wasn't much.   She had little doubt that the wife would find her with magic. Or rather, the city guard would be led to Dazz by the wife's magic. If they caught her this time, it would be the gaol for years. Shrugging her pack onto her back, Dazz left her hideout and hurried to the docks. Ships were always looking for new crew. All she needed to do was find someone sitting at a table before their gangplank with a blue shingle, which meant they were sailing as soon as they got enough crew. Any crew late returning from their shore leave would be left behind. It was tradition, after all.   It did not take long to find such a ship. The second mate sat on a stool under a lantern hung from the post beside him. The light shone off a blue shingle hung under the lantern.   "I am looking for ship work," Dazz said as she came up to the table.   The man raised a brow at her.   "It ain't the prettiest work," he warned her. "You'll get callouses on yer hands."   Dazz snorted.   "Callouses are the least of my worries."   He raised his brows.   "Man trouble?"   Dazz resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Then decided that this could be a great cover!   "Yes, and he has the town guard after me. I'm supposed to have stolen something from him yet he wants me brought back to HIM and not the gaol." The lie was so easy.   The second mate narrowed his eyes, nodding. He pushed a paper and inkpot across the table towards her.   Dazz signed her given name: Joan Boyer. She was grown up now, which meant this could be any of the six of them. This always messed up magic trackers and had saved her more than once.   "Welcome aboard the Fairy Princess."  



Learning in Symmerin

staggering Into symmerin
  It was the beginning of Dazz's fifth year aboard the Fairy Princess, when the merchant ship, looking far from her best, creaked and groaned to a berth at the docks. The stench of charred planks spread out from her now that they were in an atmosphere. It was a nasty perfume. Many people stopped to either stare in amazement that she had not already broken to pieces while others smirked at her decrepit appearance without a care for what had happened.   Captain Brundage, determined to get paid for their cargo as soon as possible, drove her crew to unload the cargo fast. Soon as they were done, pay was handed out along with a warning that they were gonna be in port longer than usual for repairs. This meant they were free to do whatever until the blue shingle was hung.   With her meager pay jingling in her belt pouch, Dazz was relieved to get some time on solid ground. The pirate attacks kept missing the mast and sails due to bad aim and the Fairy Princess ducking and dodging even as she raced for the wormhole. It had been a very near thing, but Captain Brundage had managed to get the advantage on a gravity slingshot around a small sun and reached the wormhole before the pirates could cut them off. She could do with a pint ... or ten.   There was one seedy inn she found rather comforting that was away from the docks and closer to the fancier parts of the city. As she walked into the smoky and dimly lit Stinkin' Airts, the stress from the near destruction of the Fairy Princess ebbed out of her. Replacing it was that knife edge awareness and trickster thinking of her true rogue self. And it felt ... good.  
say it ain't so
  Three weeks and the Fairy Princess had finally gone into the repair yard, too damaged to be repaired at her assigned berth. Dazz had been lounging in the Stinky Airts with the occassional venture into the night for a bit of pickpocketing and the liberation of trinkets from fools who drank too much. It was all child's play but anything more exciting would require being in the good graces of the local den of thieves. She wanted no strings as she intended to leave when the Fairy Princess was ready..   Tonight she sat at her usual table near a corner, watching people come and go through the swinging doors that served as the main entrance to the Stinkin' Airts. As she sipped her watered down cheap ale, she toyed with a fancy timepiece. These things were all the rage amongst the wealthy, and the young sun elf whose pocket its chain had been dangling from had never noticed her nabbing it right under his nose.   Dazz snickered. Evik Glitterleaf claimed to be an accomplished student of magic nearing graduation from the Symmerin Univeristy, a place that taught magic to anyone coming here from the stars. Well, anyone with the coins to afford it, anyways. She dangled the chain from a finger and gave it a twirl. Barely accomplished student, she thought and snickered again.   The doors swung open as that very same student stepped in. It had only taken him five days to return. His eyes blinked against the smoke before locking onto his timepiece on the table before Dazz. His pointed ears twitched. Squaring his shoulders, he strode on over.   "I do believe you have something of mine," he said once he stood across the table from her.   "Dearest Evik, be a good boy and be on time." Dazz said, repeating the inscription from memory. She looked up at him with a small smile and raised brow. "Are you often a bad boy, Evik?"   Dazz watched his bright gold-tinged skin take on a ruby glow then waved for him to sit at the seat across from her. His lips pursed into a firm line, but he sat down.   "You have very slow magic, dearest Evik," Dazz continued. "Five days to find your precious timepiece?"   "This was the earliest I could get away from my studies." He huffed. "Since you were ... kind enough not to sell it, would you please give it back?"   "How did you find it?" Dazz asked, still playing with the chain. "What type of spell."   "A locate item spell, if you must know." He said, then tilted his head a bit as his eyes narrowed. "Why?"   "Let's make a deal." Dazz said instead of answering. "I will return your little trinket to you when you have answered my questions about magic."   "No. That would take forever."   "A very specific type of magic, then."   Evik waved and a serving girl hurried over.   "Spiced rum." he ordered. The girl nodded and looked at Dazz, who tapped her tankard and held up one finger. The serving girl darted away.   "Fine." Evik agreed. "I will answer your questions until its time for me to get back to the University."   "Agreed." Dazz said. The serving girl returned, delivered their drinks, took their coins, and hurried away to see to other customers.   "I am wondering just how impervious to spy magics a person can be if they are one of six people with the same name."   Evik blinked.   "That's not possible."   "Orphanages get babies on their doorsteps all the time. Over the years, they fancy certain names."   "Oh." Evik sipped his rum and frowned in thought. "Well, that would be very confusing to whoever was trying to scry by name, though I am sure a master could eventually weed out the truth."   "So this person would not actually be impervious to spy magics, then."   "No. Interestingly protected for sure but --" he shrugged. "Never impervious."   He sipped his rum and leaned forward.   "Just what have you in mind for this interesting protection, Miss Six Names?"   It was very late before he left the Stinkin' Airts with his timepiece.  



Onto The Voidchaser

  Ten years later, the Fairy Princess arrived at Alaria. It was their first ever run to Alaria since she joined the crew, and she was eager to see just how ripe for plundering the elves of Draconia were. Her rogue friends, made from her frequent stop overs in Symmerin, all swore the Draconian elves never locked their doors because they trusted in magic.   The old gnome Iovin Torchbrew and his killer lady gnome Thorve Vinter, had retired to Symmerin after their last great heist. An old round ear named John Short, who was no where near short, often joined in reminising over their exploits. They all spoke of how they wished they were young again as Draconia would be the perfect place to reap in the riches. To a master thief, magic could be got around with a bit of preparation.   Dazz had her Glass of Detect Magic and her 'interesting protection' from most scry magics. She was ready for Draconia. The gnomes had taught her that a world ripe for thieving was a thief's oyster, always coughing up pearls. She did not need a world to be her oyster, she only needed a city. Alaria would be her oyster.   Things started out well enough, as she picked pockets and nabbed exposed trinkets, taking great care to never be seen and quick to pluck out the gems and melt things down. Anything magical she was even quicker to discard as soon as her trusted Glass revealed it. This was still child's play, but she needed to get a feel for the city.   Finally, there came a day when she decided to try for a real heist. It took awhile, but she finally found a house without its wards in place. Even better, no one was even home! She filled a sack with fancy things and was about to leave when a voice spoke to her.   "The master will be very displeased if you take that."   Whirling around, Dazz saw a mouth fade away from the helmet of a decorative suit of armor. And then the armor stepped away from the wall towards her.   She upended the sack and ran out the door, trinkets and treasures dumping out in a trail that reached halfway to the street. Not daring to drop the sack itself as it could be used to track her, she crumpled it up and tucked it into her belt. The clanking of the armor chasing after her stopped at the edge of the propery and another mouth appeared on the helmet.   "STOP! THIEF!" It yelled over and over five times, drawing the attention of nearby watchmen.   Dazz ran faster. She kept to the alleyways and every bit of hiding she could find until she neared a popular tavern. The sun was rising now and she was getting desperate to get to her stash.   A very drunk marine staggered out the back door. Seeing her chance, Dazz knocked out the man and stripped him of his uniform. Getting dressed in the uniform, Dazz made her way to the docks where she kept her emergency stash. It would be a great place to hide until --   "Get in line, marine!" A commanding voice yelled from behind Dazz. Whirling around, Dazz found herself facing a tough looking sergeant and two dozen other marines, half of which looked terribly hungover or still a bit drunk. "Move it, marine!"   Dazz hurriedly moved to the back of one of the lines and they resumed marching. Waiting for a moment to slip away, she heard shouting.   "... one of them soldiers is a thief!" One of the watch was arguing with an officer.   "Got a name?" the officer asked in a bored tone.   "Joan Boyer."   Oh no, they found me! Dazz thought and looked for anyway to run for it.   "A HUMAN?!" the officer scoffed and waved at the dockyards busy with marines being marched everywhere. "Do you see any HUMANS here?"   "Well, no, but the spell --"   "Got misdirected," the officer said. "I dont have time for this nonsense! Good day, sir!"   The officer waved him out of the dockyards then marched off, getting back to business. The watchman scowled and peered sharply about the yard.   Dazz, relieved at the lucky break, decided to stay with the unit as they were marched aboard the Voidchaser and out of the reach of the watch.  



Religion In The Wormhole

  It was the first wormhole she had ever gone through with the Voidchaser. As they traveled the expected nine days long wormhole near Permafrost, they were barely ahead of the Orc Fleet.   Time in a wormhole was dull and cool, as was the food. There was no fires allowed. A spark of flame or lightning could blow them all up so the food was cold. Hard tack and rations, Ugh!   But this time, something came out of the void. Alot of somethings. They were incoporeal and nothing Dazzle had could harm them or even hold them off. Torn between frustration and terror, she turned to something she had never bothered to think of before. Religion.   Dazzle desperately tried to remember the prayers she had to recite at the orphanage, but she kept forgetting key words. She did remember several round ear curses said while she had been on the Fairy Princess. The shadowy spirits were too close to not try. She had to try and use what little she had to make up a prayer.   " By Odin's missing ... um .. hand - no ... ear -- no ... " She huffed out a breath. "Aw, nuts!" She blinked. "That's it! By Odin's missing nut I beseech you souls to leave us be!"   A creeping incoporeal shadow reached for her but was then suddenly slapped aside by a disembodied voice singing: "He's here, he's there, he's every fucking where. Roy Caaaant. Even though he's crazed he saves your from the grave. Roy Caaaaant ... "   "Woohoo! The prayer of Odin's missing nut worked!" Dazzle exclaimed wth great relief. "Thank you, Odin! Hope you find your nut!"   The singing voice never answered her as it moved on.   The a void wraith moaned. "Nothing is colder than the Void."   It reached for the warmth of a marine hiding at a bulkhead. The marine screamed until his voice slowly froze with death and his body fell to the deck. The shadow turned, looking for another.   Dazzle frantically looked around. She saw Yazma no longer fighting. Instead of fighting, the officer dodged behind Crowley to avoid the shadows. Dazzle's heart sank. This fight was hopelessly beyond all her abilities.   "Gather around me!" Captain Selene yelled. She raised her arm, holding up a pentacle. A half sphere of moonlight suddenly surrounded her.   Dazzle sprinted towards the captain screaming her prayer as fast as she could. "ByOdin'smissingnutIbeseechyousoulstoleaveusbe!"   "I am the warmth," Crawley declared. He spread arms wide. "Come to me."   A void wraith touched him. The darkness vanished, revelaing an elven soul. With a look of dawning peace, the elven spirit faded away. A handprint of white fur appeared on Crowely's otherwise all black fur.   The other void wraiths avoided his remove curse touch. The Void commanding them would not let them escape its power.   Still sprinting as she had been at the stern, Dazzle heard Nimolin calling for her favorite manly marine. She seemed to not be able to see him ducked behind a barrel of coiled rope. Nimolin's trusty raven, Quill, was busy glaring at the wraiths.   "Rando Le'Elf! Run for the captain!" Dazzle yelled to him. She set a new record for running in a bug suit as she raced all out for the moonlight around the captain.   Dazzle reached the safety of the moonlight circle. As she turned to watch the enemies, she heard that same disembodied singing coming from somewhere just outside the moonlight.   "Odin has a bad singing voice," she realized aloud, able to laugh a bit as she was in the safety of the moonlight.   "That's not Odin, Dazzle, that's Xerxes." Vonvin said, rolling her eyes.   "Xerxes is not a disembodied voice ... he is flesh. Of course that's Odin singing." Dazzle argued back.   "He disappeared when the lightning happened," Vonvin pointed out. "I am betting he is invisible."   Just then Xerxes appeared and joined Vonvin. Dazzle stared in awe that Odin acted through Xerxes.   Nimolin called out, "Please release my kinsmen from your hold in the void. Keep them not from their rest."   There was a strange silence in answer.   "I will give you spiced ants and banana rum." Nimolin offered. "And good ... feelings." She flexed her fingers then moved her hands like she was touching something.   Quill squawked in outrage. The wraiths suddenly all faded away with smiles of deep peace upon their faces.   Dazzle cheered. The danger was over. But her bunkmate and good friend Nimolin never cheered. She stood there, swaying on her feet, then fell to the deck.   Before she could go to Nimolin, Airaion tripped and stumbled.   "Oh, here. Dazzle Kat, I believe this belongs to you?" He handed her a piece of wood carved into three interlocking triangles.   Dazzle stared at the valknut, then smiled. This was her proof to Vonvin that Odin had indeed been here! She put away the valknut and hurried to Nimolin.   "What is it, Nimolin?" Dazzle asked, suddenly concerned.   "I have lost all feeling. I feel so ... lost. It's like being numb. Everywhere."   "Oh." Dazzle said. She awkwardly put a hand to Nimolin's shoulder. "Captain Selene will fix this, Nimolin. I will help, too. I have a prayer of Odin now."
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Changling: a person of human and elven decent

Table of Contents

From Amberport to Symmerin to Alaria
On The Streets by Dazzlinkat
Aboard the Voidchaser
Scrub this, fix that in my work uniform. UGH! by Dazzlinkat
Guard duty in my Formals. Heh! by Dazzlinkat
They gave me a Bug Suit!! Woohoo!!!! by Dazzlinkat
Blackmarket Connections   PAY/month AS PRIVATE: 24 novas 4 starbursts 2 sparks (Is not sgt ... no idea on the pay hike!)   PAY/month AS AIDE LT. MAD: 1 starbursts   TOTAL COINS: 4952 novas 15 starbursts 6 sparks   Suddenly promoted to Corporal ... but notice its AFTER payday lol   Earned Drop of Lugh's Blood during the assault where I was runover by Orcs mistaking me for debris and then stampeded over by a horde of paniced goblins.  
  Color Sgt!! Oh, and I managed to learn some magic. Do you think Selnaris will forget about this shiny coin pouch he sent me running around with?  
  Oh, no! They made me an officer! A lieutenant! How can I be sneaking about if I'm SUPPOSED to be noticed to give orders?   Me, in Lt working uniform. Paperwork! Ugh!  
Stinkin' Airts
Building / Landmark | Mar 15, 2022

They Ruined My Bubblebath!
18th of Huntingmoon 4641 A.C.

Dear Journal,   There I was, recuperating in a bubble bath after a hard day of negotiating for an entirely new navy of 40 merchantmen and 100 military vessels (your welcome, by the way -- and no redacting, Cpt Mad!!!). The pillow fort was set up and as soon as I was done with that one last soak, I was gonna sleep on a cloud of pillows in that fort. Then, Major Airaion Stink-Elf started yelling through our bug suits.   "Everyone with a bug suit, get back to Glimmerfell!" Well, really! I informed his stinkiness that I was needed to complete the negotiations with the dragon-king. I may have also mentioned that I was awaiting further negotiation developments in a bubble bath so I was REALLY not ready to go muster with the others.   "Are you BUBBLE BATHING? There's no bubble bathing in WAR!" Yelled Major Stink-Elf. Really! Sadly, they sent a replacement negotiator, Captain Valrik, so me and my crew got into our bug suits. Oh, and he brought bug suits for Rin and Nimolin.   As me and Rando were explaining bug suits to them, the little princess came in. I pointed out the pillow fort to her and she, being a very smart little girl, rushed right in. Nimolin told Quill he had to stay and babysit the princess as he would not be able to keep up with bug suits. Captain Valrik offered to watch over both the princess and Quill for us. What could possibly go wrong?   So we left Silvermoor. Rin and Nimolin flew like aces on their maiden flights and we returned to Glimmerfell in time for the muster. After another bit of ... discussion with major Stink-Elf, we fetched the space skid and flew off, a bug suit navy hellbent to save Zynmyrinar.   By the time we arrived, the poo ammo was frozen solid in the jars. We managed to dodge enemy fire spells from the ship bombarding the city while others were landing and dumping out ground troops.   Major Stink-Elf broke us into teams that each took on one ship while I was assigned to stay back in reserve with the skid, Rando, and Rin. We were to serve as a rescue or backup, so we circled the battle, watching.   Bug suits are near impossible targets for siege weapons to hit, and with each team having mages to weaken the enemy for the fighters, these teams were well-prepared to succeed in taking control of the ships. As expected, things seemed to go very well, and my team was not needed. However, down below in the city, the citizens were not so lucky. The orcs were landing and marching on a brave but outnumbered citizen defense force. We had to help them!   Rin decided to man the mini-pult and Rando took over flying it by himself. They made a perfect team! Rando flew the 'pult like he had been born to weave it through streets and lined up on the orcs marching from the docks. Rin aimed his shot, then fired. A perfect hit right in the middle! I could not see just how damaging it was as I turned to weave through the buildings myself to attack the flanking army of orcs coming in at the citizen army from the west.   I swooped in behind them where I was less likely to be seen in time to shoot me with their crossbows and cast my biggest spell. It was the first time I ever got to use it in combat and it worked beautifully! As I flew low, the spell unleashed a cone of deadly snowballs into them. I am unsure what happened, but I suddenly found myself standing on the ground in the midst of badly frozen orcs. The screams behind made me turn. There was a path of broken orcs littering the street. Those not dead were screaming and trying to climb the walls while others writhed on the ground amidst the pieces of others.   There were too many still alive and able. I infused a rope I always carry with arcana and dropped it. The rope did not fall. One end lowered to the ground and stood straight for the next five feet. the remaining fifteen feet of the rope whipped about, attacking anyone who dared move into its reach. With the rope keeping the enemy at bay, I flew up. As I did, I noticed an orc trying to fire his crossbow at me but nothing happened. He just roared out what I think were cuss words and tossed the crossbow away.   Rando turned around for another run at the orcs attacking from the docks. He lined up well and Rin fired another round of frozen poo ammo. This time the rear half of the orc army was hit. It was too much for the orcs. They broke ranks and ran. I made my turn to line up my next attack on the west army but, sadly, they had already routed. I joined Rando and Rin.   "Let's look for someone else to wreck!" I ordered. I turned to look. Unfortunately, Rando turned to look the other way and our helmets crashed together.   "Ow!"   "Ooo!"   "Lieutentant! Rando! Fire!" Rin yelled, pointing down somewhere in the city.   As we head over that way, a strange grunting sound comes from Cpt Mad.   "What's the -- Captain!" So disgusting. I am NOT cleaning his bug suit!   Rando gets the skid lined up and Rin shoots at the orc army trying to burn the city. The poo ammo hits the ground and shatters. It was my turn to attack but, though the helmet, I heard King Xerxes order his captured goblin to surrender himself to us. It did not take long to spot to spot him heading our way so I swooped down in front of him.   "Hands up, goblin," I ordered in Elfin. The goblin raised his hands. "I am going to take you to a small ship where you will load the catapult when order. Understood?"   "Ye, ma'am," the goblin said. I flew up, grabbed his arms, and flew him to the space skid where I set him in the front with the ammo. "Rin, he will load the catapult whenever you tell him. You will be able to shoot faster."   I then flew off to line up my attack. Sadly, one more shot of poo and they scattered then surrendered. As we matched them to the prisoner round-up, I noticed Ghenk, our new goblin mascot, wears socks of greed and red.

Oh, No! I'm An Officer!
17th of Huntersmoon 4641 A.C.

The first rule of being nondescript is to fit in with the crowd. And, now that I have been shoved into the hoity-toity crowd, I must fit in. Which is why I am writing a journal for posterity. Though a journal full of potential evidence goes against every rule I have ever lived by, I shall give it my best. Also, because I am being honest, it shall contain things I am sure Captain Madrimlian would REDACT were he to ever find it ... which he won't! so ... let me start my journal with how this terrible tragedy of hoity-toityness came about.   Dear Journal,   It had been one wild and crazy party, celebrating the wedding of Queen Vonvin (of course she was clever enough to marry an elf who had served as the avatar of Odin .... His missing nut be praised! ... during our terrifying journey through a haunted wormhole) and King Xerxes. After binding my good friend Nimolin in rope and stuffing her into her bedroll, I climbed into my own bedroll and a fine sleep of the weary and slightly inebriated.   Waking up the next morning, thanks to our newest partner in risky business Aerin trying to help Nimolin sober up, I innocently went about helping. Oh, it should be noted Nimolin insisted we never let her have more than four drinks in a day. With Nimolin sloshed full of water, and standing three-quarters straight on her cane, we decided it would be a good idea to find the fourth member of our tricky crew, Rando L'Elf. We did not have to go far to find him. He was still in the throne room. He hung from the ceiling all wrapped up in half of a wedding banner like an unshucked corncob.   Getting Rando out of the banner, we found that, not only was he naked, he had no idea of where any bits of his uniform were. Standing was all but impossible for him so we flopped him on a table like a stalk of wilted celery so we could look for his uniform. Fortunately, the Bosun joined us and used his magic. Even then, we only managed to find his shirt, pants, and one sock. Then, it was trumpeted about that we had to get up and be all presentable. And Rando was still OUT OF UNIFORM!!!   While we were trying to find the rest of his uniform, a runner came to me saying the Commodore (she is our captain but got a fancy-pants rank cause ... well, it is war and shit happened) wanted me to report to her at Starpointe. Leaving Aerin and Nimolin to take care of Rando, I reposted to the Commodore, dreading the whole way there that she was about to toss me into the sea of paperwork another crewmate of mine named Ayden was swimming in.   The Commodore then proceeded to tell me that she needed me to negotiate for more ships. Hurray for no sea of paperwork! It was then that she, and Pince Selnaris, made me a lieutenant! I felt certain the Commodore must still be under the influence of overindulging in the celebrations (the Bosun did have a sore shoulder from catching people dancing on the table ... he never said who but I think it was the commodore) as the only explanation ... I had just been promoted to Color Sergeant the day before!   Anyways, I was told to get an officer's uniform, grab whoever I wanted to back me up, and jump on a ship. So, that is what I did. Back in the throne room, I searched for and found (there were ALOT of clothes piled in there!) a uniform, pinned the pips from Cpt Mad to the collar, and marched us all to our ship. It was the ship Nimolin had liberated from her father's trading company and donated to the navy and captained by Valrik.   It was a short voyage where we desperately worked to get Rando sober and I learned this King Phobus was actually a DRAGON who ran about in the form of an elf! He was also married to an elf queen ... and their baby was born an egg. Um, my head still hurts thinking over THAT one but, eh, elf sleep with everything it seems. Anyways, the voyage proved very enlightening and Captain Valrik was very chatty in a helpful way. He ever used some weird eye magic to sober Rando right up.   We arrived in Silvermoor and negotiated with the King. I not only got the 40 merchantman ship the commodore wanted but ... I got the King to get his 100 ship navy adapted to space as a RESERVE!! After that hard day of work we were given an ambassadorial suite to rest in. It was there that I realized I needed to be more hoity-toity like the other officers and asked for a journal.   Now that I have written down everything, its time to relax in a bubble bath. Ooooo, Nimolin made a pillow fort, too!

Cover image: A Gnome Town by Willgard


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