Breast Pump to BBQ: How To Mother Your Readers
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
Stop it, Höbin.
― Maya Angelou
What.
*sigh*
I know.
*sigh*
[insert another sigh here]
Aren't you my friend every day?
I'm ordering another drink...
Waitress!
Wait. ....did you just call me....a woman?
Yer gonna feel hurt when I punch you in the MOUTH...
WHAA?
Oh for crying out--
Not sure I can stop you at this point.
That's... just gross.
1. You Wanted Them Even Before You Met Them
How amazing is that!? Just like a mother, filled with the power of life, you haven’t even SEEN these readers and more than anything, you want them in your life and you’re willing to sacrifice for them.You did it again. I am NOT a female, Jaime. Watch yourself!
Damn STRAIGHT that's not quite right.
I mean, wow!
(This is gonna be a long night, I can feel it.)
Or writing partner?
2. You Journeyed To The Valley Of Death To Bring Their Ungrateful Butt Here!
If I went no further than this, your readers should be groveling in gratitude.Well...
No.
NO!
The little craps.
Heyyyyyyyy.
No. No they don't.
Cry. Whine. Poop. Pee.
Exactly!
Muhahahaha!
That silent smile will say it all.
3. From Runway Model to Fat Amy in 9 Months
No, I’m not trying to be mean. Saying that’s no more cruel than when you call yourself a ‘cow’ or ‘milk factory’(I really hate when you say that).I'VE NEVER SAID THAT!!
Well I,....it's hard to sit in the same place day after day, writing away. Your feet swell, your back--
........
Okay, now you're just talking crap.
WAITRESS! DRINKS PLEASE!!
Oh crap. Don't.
WAITRESS!!
*choke*
That's it. I'm not--
-----!
My vision is 20/20 and I’m telling you, you’re a gorgeous author.
I swear I'm gonna hurt you when this is over.
4. You See Wonder & Potential Where The World Sees A Little %$#%@!!
Why is it that kids don’t realize that at least half the world wants to end them when they act like they own the place?I see the looks folks give.
Finally! ....alcohol.
Exactly.
Of course.
Uh, no. What are you talking about?
“You can do anything you put your mind to.”
“You’re beautiful!”
That’s the true magic of mommy—you see what few, if anyone else can, see.
The potential of your child.
Ohhhhh. NOW I get you. Mommy, me--author. Gotcha. Had to get past wanting to punch your face with my cybernetic hand.
We both know they’re wrong.
You don’t say it because you have to.
You say it because you MEAN it.
Well YEAH--cause (alright, I'll bite) they're my KIDS.
My vote is the later.
Mine too.
5. Because You’re Right About Everything...(usually)
Let’s face it...mom’s almost always right. Not sure if you have magic in your blood, you’re a direct descendant of Michel de Nostredame or just psychic, but the children won’t realize this about you until they hit their 20’s. Probably after they move out. You are the ‘organic Google’ of Wanted Hero.Heh. Well...yeah.
Hair styles.
Geography.
Primates.
Bloodlines.
Races & Culture.
Continents & Kingdoms.
Lore & Legends.
Beasts. Myths. Magic.
Hehe,...I am pretty good.
Aaaaand off you go--into the deep end again. I have no IDEA what's you're talking about now.
Even if you’re not always right, we should keep up the illusion...just for the sake of leverage.
6. You Labor As Their Therapist, Even When You Need One Yourself
From cuts and scrapes to bumps and bruises, you’re there, guiding them through the landscape of epic fantasy adventures. “But that was one of my favorite characters!” they cry aloud.Hear that one often enough.
Biting Vallen to get the character back isn’t an option. ...unless it’s a really lovable character. Kidding!
(smirk)
When the readers get older, you deal with the more complicated stuff. “You don’t know what it’s LIKE,” they’ll blurt out ignorantly, adjusting their rationale while rolling their eyes at you.
Right. I’ve never been 13.
Hehe,...yeah.
Nobody.
You know, if we could take all this drama and package it as an Elementary Soap Opera, we could make some serious money.
7. You Believe When No One Else Does
Are you starting to see my point?Actually, yeah.
Don't call me dear.
Hazard pay, at least.
...at the very least, other authors should be shelling out $250/hr for my counsel.
Of COURSE they will. I'm spending all my available time on this world, and the more subscribers we get, the more time I can spend.
They WILL--we just have to show them how phenomenal WantedHero.com is. That if what they're looking for is a quality fantasy adventure, then immersing themselves in this world is the right choice to make!
They will!
HAH! They are gonna be so pissed.
8. You Are Proof There Is A Constant In The Universe
Friends come and go. There are good days and bad. People aren’t always nice. They’re not always understanding. Sometimes jobs don’t work out. Neither do relationships. It’s not the end of the world. The sun will set, the sun will rise. ...Höbin will always be there for you to provide your Fiction-Addiction.Awwwww.
9. You Never Realized You’d Be The Queen Of The Diseased Monkeys
Can we please stop with the woman references? I'm a 67 year old gnome with more hair on my face than 350 wannabe teenagers!
Well, it's my job, Jaime.
Seriously, it’s the third time cousin Barry died this year.
Runny noses.
It's been a COVID19 fantasy!
Yup.
No one.
The rest of the world looks at every cough and sniff as a sign of doom. Wusses.
WAITRESS--ANOTHER ROUND!!
...AND I usually do it with a smile!
It says, “Biohazard Suit? I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Biohazard Suit...I’m A MOTHER!”
Can't believe I just fell for that.
10. No One Can Love Unconditionally Like You Do
If I created a pole on this one subject, I have no doubt 95% of the world would describe ‘Unconditional Love’ as a mothers love.I'd agree.
Of course not!
Exactly.
Sort of.
I don't like cats.
I'm just saying.
(preferably machine wash)
I'm...pretty sure that was because of their parents, Jaime.
Sorry.
Right. I knew that.
11. You Are Patient, Almost To A Fault
How you do this, I can’t fathom.It's simple, I--
What?
Uh. Never happened.
...even when the rest of us wonder why no one has developed a child taser or shock collar.
Hey, when a reader decides to text me at 3am to tell me off, I consider that a SERIOUS success in writing a gripping tale!
I endure.
Instead, I smile.
I drink.
I write (more).
...and I wait.
...and again.
12. You Show Us Who We Can Become...If We’re Lucky
Why do you do it all?What?
I...
Readers have never been that bad, actually. They're quite amazing if I say so my--
*sigh*
Woah. Woah.
Jaime, I'm a gnome historian, not a power-hungry politician.
That statement sounds almost true...and a little disturbing at the same time.
Show them what’s expected.
By your example, you create stability, but you also instill hope.
I sure hope so.
THERE ya go. LIKE I can deal with.
Amen to THAT.
Well, we DO want people to subscribe...
Uhhhh...
Wow. You think so?
I'm all ears.
I....
I think that's the nicest compliment I've ever been given.
Next round on me?
![jaime-buckley-circle.png](/uploads/images/2064ab67bf70f2216062e56630e7016e.png)
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