Zoom! Go fast! Car go zoom! Buy Zoomi!
  Zoomi is a luxury car brand known the world over, and a proud sponsor of the ACF.  

Marketing & Products

Zoomi offers a wide variety of products, from cars that go "zoom" to cars that go "nyyyyyow." With each model, they strive for excellence, quality, safety, and— most importantly— going really fast.   Popular models include the Fast, Faster, Fastest, Fastester, and the Fastestesterest. Using their patented "zoom zoom" engine design, Zoomi vehicles are the fastest on the market.   It is this fact that their marketing hinges on the most— utilizing an appeal to everyone's inner child. After all, who don't want go zoom zoom? While their marketing completely avoids talking about price, mileage, handling, or any other valuable information on their vehicles— they remain one of the largest automobile brands in the world.
APRA-Logo Small 7.png
Based in
Dubai, UAE
"So...what kind of cars do you have available? Sedans? Sports? Something unique?"   "Fast."
— Customer interaction

All or Nothing

No one is able to technically speak about Zoomi's vehicles— not even their own engineers. As such, any technical information on Zoomi vehicles is a complete mystery— beyond, of course, the fact that they go zoom. The ACF believes that in order to achieve their first-class balance between luxury, comfort, and speed, that Zoomi must utilize some sort of anomalous methods to manufacture their vehicles. Interestingly, once dismantled, the vehicles are easily understood— it is only when assembled that their anomalous properties manifest. Properties— it should be noted— that are only present so long as the vehicle is assembled entirely from Zoomi parts.   Were one to retrofit another vehicle with parts from a Zoomi vehicle— the parts would be significantly lower quality, and break easily. The opposite is true, as well— if one were to retrofit a Zoomi vehicle with parts from another, it would lose its anomalous properties— and drastically drop in quality. As a result, only Zoomi's own mechanics are able to repair their vehicles— a side effect of their strange properties, yet one that nets the company millions each year.  
"So if you can't tell me about the engine, wheels, or handling, what about mileage? Can you tell me about that at least?"   "It go fast."   "Sold."
— Skilled marketer


Author's Notes

Feedback is very much welcome! Whether on the content, or the formatting! Please, point out typos if you spot any!

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Sage Dylonishere123
R. Dylon Elder
2 Sep, 2021 18:33

Another article that got some genuine laughs. Loved it!   "what kind of cars to you have available?" found a typo there. i think its meant to be do.   Never imagined a car company could produce anomalous cars on such a massive scale. it makes sense, though. Gotta go fast. I could easily see it being popular in the states XD well done my friend.

Sage Timepool
Garrett Lewis
21 Sep, 2021 18:22

Glad it was enjoyable, thank you!   Typo squashed!

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