Hopeless

"It feels hopeless to me. Like I have no options, no chance to make things right." Commissar Carmine Petit was talking to her therapist, Anton Liszt, 22nd division's medical officer.

"Commissar, you can do this."

"You're just like that younger commissar Michael."

"Younger? He's a year older than either of us."

"What? But I thought Commissar seniority..."

"At equal level of units, yes, but the Fusilliers are considered regular strength, while your Van Doos were Elite Veterans..."

"And Lord-Commissar Templeton?"

"He's attached to HQ and don't count... How did you get the impression he was younger? You two went to the same school, and were in his younger sister's class..."

"What, Michael is THAT Michael?" She pulled her head in her hands. "No! No! No! No!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. What's the matter?"

"A boy, an older boy, back when I was in grade school, who had a crush on me then, just saved my life a few months ago! But now he can't look at me and not see how horribly broken I am!"

"There's no mention of the relationship, in your files."

"No, he never had a chance, I was in a relationship with someone else, not that he said anything, ever. I always figured he set his sights on someone else..."

"He's not my patient, and if he was I couldn't tell you what he said, but my impression is that he's neither celibate nor in a relationship."

"And why do you say that?"

"As a commissar, his status certainly would smooth many hurdles for the relationship."

"What about my status? Are you implying something?"

"No, of course not, it's not my place to say anything, except, perhaps, that if you had a partner, you should tell me, so I can help them help your recovery, it's been quite a demanding process, for the both of us."

"You're lying."

"Of course not, you're a respected member of the Officio Prefectus."

"I'm the only survivor of my unit! I'm the only one the chaos warbands didn't feel were worth killing!"

"That's very dramatic, but not quite true... They certainly tried, in fact, the other commissar we just mentioned got a commendation for making sure they didn't finish the job, with you..."

"What about me?" She was sobbing again.

"I know the Lord Millitant is waiting on some document searches for the proper procedure for a proper commendation for you, I'm told it's quite impressive."

"I wasn't the one who killed all the blood pact..." She reached for a chain around her neck, from it hung a small brass heart surrounded by rhinestones, a pretty bauble fit for a child, perhaps.

"I hadn't noticed the chain, can I see it?"

"Sure." Sob, sob. "Here." She managed to unhook the chain on the third try.

"This looks old..."

"I... got it from Michael... The day I told him I was dating Rajiv. It was valentines' day, 40955."

"Has he ever mentioned the event?"

"No, and I don't think he's seen this brooch, not since he gave it to me, I wanted to give it back, but there was an air raid siren, we were seperated before I could finish my explanation... I just told him I was seeing someone else, and then..."

"Do you think he's stopped hoping?"

"Hmm, I'd never bothered to ask myself that question..."

You can ask him the question too, if you like?"

"I'd need to know if I want him to keep hoping, first..."

"That is a good thought." The therapist added, but I don't think he gave up hope, I don't think he's the type of man who gives up hope... He's not my patient, but I did do some of the command evaluations for some of the staff of the Fusillers, when I asked them to describe him, it was like they were describing two people. His friends, and any women soldiers on staff but one all mentioned his great perseverance, even against unsurmountable odds. Anyone who disliked him, or whom he did not get along particularly well with all emphasized how undecisive he could be..."

"How is that possible? A commissar? Undecisive?"

"It was ruled by the panel that this was personal bias, shining through, and not a reflection of his character, the perseverance, however, fit perfectly with the record of a man whose the Commissar in charge of the morale of a unit whose flirting with elite readiness and preparedness."

"What, they'd replace the Van Doos?"

"No, nothing as clumsy as that, the Van Doos are stood down while they replenish their numbers, as you well know. Once you are feeling better, once you are well, you will be asked to start the recruitment process of the new Van Doos, and the Lord Commander Militant has suggested you do so, as their new Colonel-Commissar."

"Dual-ranked? Me?"

"It's a great honor."

"I'm too hopeless as a commissar to do all that..."

"Well, obviously, not while you're not well, but we'll keep working. The Lord Commander Militant has great hopes that when you're done, he gets to salute one of the rare General-Commissars."

"That was well done."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Trying to get my hopes up... Giving me something to achieve..."

"I'm not that good a liar..."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm speaking out of turn, because obviously, it's premature, but, anyone who's seen your file knows it's neither out of your reach."

"Colonel-Commissar of an Elite Unit like the Van Doos? Really?" She had stopped sobbing, and was nibbling her lower lip, a girlish habit."

"It's not even out of reach of your friend Michael... He's young enough if he keeps those evaluations..."

"Are you trying to match make us?"

She giggled. She wasn't well, but she was healing, somewhat. He felt a pang of relief. "No, well, it's none of my business, and there are rumors he may have someone, but those are just that, rumors. But I am your therapist, I want you to be well, to heal, to enjoy the sun's warmth and light on your skin, to laugh in the pollen of flowers, not to sob in my office, so please give yourself the liberty to hope, please?"

She giggled immoderately. "I think... I think I can do that, Anton, thank you."