Mute stared into a mirror. He looked the part, but he was concerned about more than looking presentable. He had to prepare his mind, as well, the fear of rejection weighing down on him. He turned to leave, stepping out of his quarters and into a long hallway. Metal doors lined each wall, save for sections of the building that were missing. While sturdy, the complex was a ruin. They were all ruins. This fact was the one he struggled with the most when he came to Safeharbor. Humanity survives on the bones of those who came before. He walked down the hall to the makeshift elevator. Stepping inside, he pressed the down button and crossed his arms. He heard the sound of metal on metal as the elevator began its descent. The shaft was open, a section of the building stripped and butchered for parts. He could see for miles. He saw the faint light through cracks and windows as others woke and began their day. He saw the steam and smoke billowing from Caydie's Cradle in the distance. He watched the blue star creep over the horizon and scoffed. Beats the station, Mute thought. Can’t find much better than this view. When the elevator stopped, he stepped out. He casually walked along the metal ground, avoiding patches of wet, red moss that covered most of the planet-wide city. He watched as people appeared and disappeared from view. He knew it would be an eventful day, but dreaded every moment of it. He paused and waited for the tram to arrive. He wondered how late it would be, if it showed up at all. Last week it was a roadblock, a collapsed building. It took a hundred people to clear it off the tramway. He came prepared, though. He wouldn't need to be at his destination for another two hours. In the end, he arrived at the admiral's office fifteen minutes early. Mute remembered her voice. How could he forget? When he arrived, it was the only other human he heard in years, apart from Caydie's . She reached over to a rectangular device on her desk and pressed a red button. Only then did she ask him to enter...
Miranda reached out and stopped the recording. She sighed and shook her head, the look on her face was hard, colder than before. Mute assumed she wasn’t much for smiling, but this caught him off guard. “Did I say something?” he asked. “Listen very carefully. I’m in the military. That means I have superiors to answer to, even as the admiral.” She paused and adjusted herself, shifting in her seat before continuing, “The Elders of Safeharbor are not particularly fond of the wayfarers. They make it my job to try and dissuade recruits from joining.” “You’re asking me to quit?” “Absolutely not,” she said, shaking her head and giving the slightest smirk. She clasped her hands together and rested them on her desk. “I’m just explaining what will happen when I begin recording again. I’m not one for government meddling. I want you to make your own decision, no matter how much I insist.” “I understand, but what's the point? I never heard of any tension going on. ” “Frankly, I doubt the wayfarers even know it exists,” she replied, reaching for the recorder again. "There isn't a single answer on this recording that they care about. They will skip everything leading up to what I'm about to ask you. It's a front. They want you anxious when you walk into this room, makes you easier to manipulate."Mute, forgive me for saying, but I strongly believe you’d be wasted among the wayfarers. The navy could use someone as skilled as you. I could pull some strings to speed things along. You could have your own ship in a year.”Oh, no I think I'm good. That was a little out of line, don’t you think.Not at all, though I understand. The option is there. I meant every word. Honestly, I could use someone like you.Well thank you, but I think I’ll stick to my original plan, assuming I qualify.You more than qualify. I’ll send your information over to Dawn. Thank you for your time.Mute shook his head. When she stopped recording, he laughed. “Do they seriously think that’s going to get people to change their minds?” Miranda took a deep breath before answering, “You’d be surprised how often it does. You only need navigational training and combat training to make it official. I’ve already scheduled navigation. You need to be at the orientation complex in Dawn. The course begins tonight at 8.” She paused and watched as he nodded and stood up from his seat. She didn’t speak again until he nearly left the room. “Good luck.”
This one is a little odd. I wanted to stagger each part of the conversation but have yet to really find a way to do it and make it look decent. I apologize and any help would be greatly appreciated!
I actually quite like the way this article is formatted, it seems quite intuitive with shifting between a recording and prose. The character himself also seems very interesting, i can't wait to see what happens with him.
Ahhh, thank you so much. I'm glad it worked out. Mute is a good one. I'm enjoying writing him thus far and I'm glad you're enjoying the read!
This was a nice article! I think the colors being different helped me to differentiate between the two speakers. :)
Thanks so much for saying that. I'm glad it's working out. I was worried. Thanks so much!
That's a great method for telling us about a character's traits and backstory! I really like the visual presentation, and how you alternated between the prose sections and the recorded dialogue. My favorite bit was the exchange about "laziness" that is more likely to be executive dysfunction. (Coincidentally, I read something about this just a few days ago.) Great article!
Thanks so much! I was worried there. I'm glad everything meshes well. Ooo yes. Executive dysfunction is not a fun time. I'm glad someone latched onto that bit. Again thanks so much!
Ooo such a nicely formatted article. I really like the sound of Mute. I enjoyed both the prose and the interview. Really clever way of telling us all about him. :)
Thanks so much!
I'm gonna have to study this if I'm gonna do that voice. The rivalry between the navy and the wayfarers could lead to some interesting plotlines... I'm wondering why Mute is so particular about keeping his nickname even after he gets back among other humans.
This is lightly touched on but I may need to rewrite and make it more clear. His mom was the last person to use his real name. It bugs him when others use it. He spent years never hearing it. It's like being two separate people. Also yes. This one is important for the voice. Also... yess... the rivalry could definitely lead to some interesting plotlones...
I've said it before and I'll say it again. You're phenomenal at dialogue. It's a perfect way for you to express character and, in the case of this, you do well to implement a touch of other worldbuilding and leave some context.
My mother worked throughout her pregnancy and saved up as much as she could. Most stations have a medical program for infants that help maintain bone and muscle growth despite having less than optimal gravity. These programs also help build the immune system and being around so many other species helps with that as well.
You said you have my resume, by definition, that is a reflection of my capabilities.
Shorter comments arent a problem good sir. Either way I'm happy it was read and happy to recieve the criticism. It helps me improve after all. Lol i... really dont know what happened with the last box... lemme fix that. That's weird. I double space my paragraphs yet for some reason it isnt showing up in the article. I will also say that you mayndins some suggestions arent used, or maybe. Depends on if you have a reason not to in this case. The final line is intentionally vague but as to whether that's a good idea, Idk. My goal is for readers to begin with few pieces and as they progress they get more. In this case, is miranda using a formal tone, just doing her job or a warm tone, genuinely happy at his choice and wishing him luck? The article implies the later, given she stopped the recording. Prolly a bad idea, but it was worth a shot XD I will also say that she was genuinely curious. She's Safeharbor born. (you dont know that yet.) She would have no idea that tech exists. It is definitely alien. Excellent comment. Thanks so much for the kind words!
Hmm. That's weird. Where are you paragraph breaks in that final prose box, out of curiosity, because that dictates the ambiguity of the final line. Presently, I was reading it as a continuation of her previous line where I felt specificity would fit. However, if it was a completely separate line without anything attached, the ambiguity can sit a bit stronger as it no longer is compared to her previous bit of dialogue. " that you mayndins some suggestions arent used, or maybe." I'm trying to puzzle out what that means, but I'm very lost. See. I did understand that the implication of her stopping the recording was that some aspect of her was sympathetic, however, a problem arises in the fact she maintains the extremely formal appearance, doubling down on it. As the indications you give are that she is loyal to her job, her intentionally warning him in such a blatant manner can easily be misconstrued which becomes a bit distracting. Overall, the ambiguity of the final line—if clarified as I mentioned with the paragraph breaks—would evoke the image of a whispered line to someone. It's hard to describe, but kind of the idea of the person speaking doing so for themselves as that fits with the timing and character more in my mind. Really, I think the biggest problem is the conflict in the second prose box and the lack of line breaks in the final prose box. Ooh. Interesting. Her reaction was very subdued for learning about alien technology, but the plights of a working individual, I guess.
Oooooo yup! I shall address these issues. As far as what that bit means, I apologize. My autocorrect is absolute trash but it's not relevant now so no worries. That makes it perfectly clear. It is subdued for sure. My thought was that it made sense for her to be curious but not super enthused since alien tech is usually better than human tech, which she would know. It wouldnt be surprising but shed still be curious if that makes sense.
Great article and nicely written style! It is fun to read through this since it is written in a dialogue form. I also love the alternating boxes for the speakers. :)
Nice, some more character backstory! You did a pretty good job with staggering the conversation, I think! There were a few hiccups with spacing between each but nothing major.
I really like the way this article was formatted. The recorded parts of the conversation were so well done and the reveal about the Elders makes them incredibly suspicious. Great job here!
I read this on my phone and thought it flowed very well. The alternating colors and alignment made it clear who was speaking without prompts, and I think the separation from when the recorder is off and we get more narrative setting was effective. I'll look on a desktop later, but from my pov, this was easy to read. On a more narrative angle, I enjoyed the description of Safeharbor and I loved the dialogue. Smart and credible. Also liked the reveals about the tension between the Wayfarers and the Navy.
Oooo that's a relief. Thanks man. I hope it's just as good on desktop. Thanks for the kind words!