Ilana's gifts

This file are the last wishes and words to the loved ones of a dying person. While it was written to bring happiness to some people and give them some last words, the impending death of the person is scattered everywhere.

This document was found in the folder that Veran Ethalar put together with all the information of what happened aboard the Vessel InTerra 23. Attached to it, there was a single sentence, assumed to be from him: "Please, don't let my friends disappear into nothingness.".

I am painfully aware I'm going to die. I don't blame you, guys. Please, don't blame yourselves. You've been doing great dealing with whatever the fuck is going on in the cryo pods of the ship. We've been running against an invisible clock, with a lot of pressure on our backs, but we have been doing our goddamned best, and I know y'all can do it. You don't need me, an EVA master is of little use when everything about the emergency is related to inside the ship, but I really appreciate all your effort to make me feel useful to certain degree.

I love you guys.

From where I am from, if a person is dying and still in their right mind, they leave behind papers with memories their loved ones gifted them that they will take to the afterlife. This file are the memories you all gifted me that made me happy and feel loved. I've also left some last words for you. Have some honour and only open your section, I didn't want to disperse this in different files and lower the possibility of each of you finding your memories.

Naye, I know you are also sick, as I am, but I hope you get to read this. Please don't go before I do. You can be of use to the guys. Allow me this last selfish wish, die after me please.

For Nayea Ottowana:

Naye, darling.

I know we were supposed to only be sleeping together as a stress relieve. That's what we said. But, I think I would have wished to go further than just friends with benefits. My heart hurts when I think I won't see you again, it hurts when I see you struggling to breath on the other side of the room. I... I hope me telling you these things is okay. That you won't be mad.

The caresses while falling asleep, the feeling of your fingers on my hair, the sound of your heartbeat, your chest moving up and down under my head, the warm of your hugs, your singing voice with the lullabies in your mother's language, the forehead kisses you sneaked in while the others weren't looking. I can't take them out my head, I'll miss them wherever I go after dying.

I'm sorry, this is meant to bring the good memories we shared, but I can't bring myself to write about them, I keep making myself cry. I hear you trying to hum one of you lullabies when I cry, telling me that it will be fine and that Veran and Emer will find a cure and heal us. You hold so much hope, so much love. I don't dare telling you that I'm not crying out of pain, but out of missing the love I won't have.

Naye, please, survive. I cannot bear to think you might leave before I do. Let me be selfish for this time. Someone in Eraida will have your love and will be the luckiest person in the stars, don't leave them without it. Don't leave before you know what true love is. I've sucked ass trying to show it, not daring to see if you'd go further than friends.

You have so much to see and live for. You need to fulfil your "colonising another planet to-do list", you are the one of us who looks with hope for the future, for reaching the planet. The rest of us don't have really plans to do once we are there, other than our jobs. But you, you have hopes, you have wishes to fulfil, you want things, you deserve them all.

Update, a day later: NAYE. NO. YOU-- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Update, a day after last udpate: Emer gave me some sedatives. I couldn't stop screaming and crying. I don't know why I'm writing in here still. I miss you I guess. I'm heartbroken. You never got to see my memories of you. It hurts. It's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR. WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN HARD TO FIND A CURE???

For Kieran Ledenim:

Kirkir!

I know you hate that nickname, it's still funny. Thank you for taking care of me, you were great. And your company was always really appreciated. I didn't have much to do in this emergency, so having you spending time with me when you could was really fun!

The couple times we got a bit too drunk were really funny, the game cards were even funnier. Crossing paths with Veran while both drunks and answering him in the weirdest way possible was amazing when we saw his face. I'm not sure if he was clueless to our state or if he knew we were drunk, but either way is funny. Emer's scolding shouldn't have been as funny as it was with you imitating him on the back. I'm glad I managed to hold up the laugher... at least until you invited him to join us in the drinking next time. Veran might need the drink a bit more than Emer, just so he can let himself go a little bit. I wonder how he is while drunk... he gives me the vibes of having never drank. Emer would have probably outdrink both of us.

I'm glad I told you no to strip poker though, you lil' cheater. Yeah, I learned your cheats by now. It's incredible that I still won, did you let me?

Oh yeah, thanks for not telling the "parents" about me and Naye though. You should have joined us when you saw us though, it would have been a really good night... Right, that doesn't go with you... Almost forgot, sorry.

Please take care of my friend, okay? And by that I mean you and your careless ass. I know the memories are bad, that your depression and anxiety is keeping you awake at night, but please, take care. It hurts me to see you so hurt, and it hurts me to know that you'll be worse when I leave. Talk with Emer. I know he can be a bit of an ass, but he's a good listener, probably better than me, and I don't want you to drink yourself to sleep again.

It's a lot to ask, I know. Just, hold up these days, until you get the cure and can go back to the cryo pods. Then, when you reach Eraida, get some help. Get back your meds. I don't know why the stupid AI is refusing to give them to you. I know you tried overwriting the AI and failed. But once you are in Eraida, you can go talk with a psychiatrist and they can do the receipt so you can get your meds. And then you'll get to enjoy a whole new world! Enjoy it for me, okay?

I believe in you. I know you can do it.

Update, a day later: You are also sick now? Oh gods, oh gods, please tell me you didn't get sick by taking care of us. You are strong, you can survive it up! Emer and Veran are so close to a cure! I'm sure you'll be fine! Please, don't leave me like Naye did...

For Emeret Kirk:

Heyyy doc!

Sorry for not letting you know before I was sick? Until I crashed out? Yeah, I genuinely didn't know. I'm sorry, but please don't blame this on you. I hope you can at least use me to experiment with a cure. I've already accepted my death, otherwise I wouldn't be writing these notes for everyone.

The love you showed us all is something that made me have a bit more hope in our people. I know that's a bit silly to say in our situation, but it genuinely made me feel a bit better. I know you'll probably say "I was just doing my job as the doctor of the team", but there's no way you only did it because of that. You did it because your golden heart, I'm sure of that.

The constant checking on us —Have you eaten? Have you drink? Have you slept? Did u go to the bathroom? Go shower— at first was a bit annoying, but you talked with us with such a soft parent-like voice that I quickly started looking forward the next checking you did on me. Kinda weird if you ask me, tbh. Kinda like you Pavlov'ed us or something. But still a beautiful moment of the day.

I kinda admit, I liked seeing you argue with Veran. You made him show that he was human and that he could feel things. I think it calmed us all up. Still I feel you two argue a bit too much and too strongly, I wouldn't want you two to actually be mad at each other. We are family, I don't want it to break.

Oh, but please, stop handing us out "Mental tests" to see how we are doing psychologically. I feel each time we fill up these test we feel worse than before them. I won't talk for the others, but stopping to consider and think about my emotions are making me feel worse than when I'm avoiding them. We can go to a therapist all together after this is all over, let us hide our emotions for now.

Once I'm gone... can I ask you to do something for me? I'm sure you are already keeping an eye for it, but I feel the need of asking for it. Can you make sure Kieran doesn't drink himself to sleep again? I think this whole situation is affecting him more than us, or at least he fails more to show it. Don't let him get too many sleeping pills from the AI. I know it might be hard since he can modify the AI... Oh, and, can you make sure Nayea doesn't forget to get her insulin? She gets too focused on her job or whatever she's doing to distract herself, and forgets. Well... I guess since Kieran is taking care of us that shouldn't be a worry for a bit, but please help her remember of it once Kieran doesn't need to take care of her anymore.

Em, I'll miss you. Keep being the awesome person you are. Keep helping people regardless of if they want or not. But don't forget about yourself, got it?

Update, a day later: are you... are you also sick? Why aren't you telling us this? Never mind. I get it. I think. I'll pray for the cure to save you and Kieran. I don't want to lose anyone else...

For Veran Ethalar:

Varen, you idiot, go get some rest.

Thank you for being the cornerstone for this disaster team. I know I'm leaving a lot on your shoulder, I know we've asked from you a lot since even getting in the VI23. I remember seeing you constantly on the news and publishing scientific papers, and I remember more strongly how utterly exhausted you always looked.

It will do probably next to nothing, but you were a great inspiration of mine, even though we have wildly different studies and specializations. I had always been impressed by how stoic you always looked, up until we started working in this team together. We didn't have much time to get to know each other before they threw us into the cryo pods, and I'm sad of that. But your stoic looks started making me mad if I'm being honest. At least the first couple days since we woke up. How could you be so emotionless? I thought. Then I realise it was what kept this team from breaking down under the pressure. Thank you for the sacrifice.

Good memories though! This is to share good memories!

Any kind of emotion you showed was actually my best memories of you. I don't know if you'll consider this a good memory or not, but it is for me. Seeing your eyes sparkle for a second when we bring you food after you forgot to eat yet once again; the soft tired smiles you gave when finally going to bed; the angriness when you and Emeret fought about the origins of this disease; the yearning and tears whenever you looked at the pictures you brought from home; the pain in your eyes and the shaking of your lips, trying to hold the tears, whenever you looked at that specific cryo pod, trying to hug it yet unable to.

Veran, you are person, a wonderful one, beaten into work and crushed under the pressure of almost planet. Remember, we are not the first to leave home, we are not the last to leave. Our people won't disappear if we fail. I don't think you have realised of that. You are no less if we fail here.

I want to mention now that, even though it's hard to see, cuz I suck at art, the figurine I made for your? I tried basing it on the person you yearn for, the man sleeping in that pod. I didn't dare say it aloud, I know you sneaked out to see him, so I didn't want to admit I followed you.

Gods this letter is a mess. Anyway.

I'll miss you. I'll miss when you cover me in a blanket cuz I'm half asleep while looking at the AI's reports. I'll miss bothering you with the most random 3 am conversations while you work —do we even have a time? Just imagine I kept bothering you at 3am. I used to do that with a friend back at home, he'd get annoyed but he always listened to me, and you did too.

Thank you.