Baldergash Sparcsylver
Holy shart
B
aldergash Sparcsylver is the central figure in the Testament of Baldergash, a 20th-century work of fiction, written by the Lancian cognoscenti Kadir Ammanar. Baldergash is that rare character who has made the leap from purely-fictional to revered-and-believed, as he is now the centerpiece of a nonfictional religion - the Pontificous Rite of Baldergash Sparcsylver - venerated by millions of real people.
His history is the focal point of Ammanar's grand parody of all that he observed in the world of religion. Baldergash is simultaneously the embodiment of every deity that has ever been worshiped, while also serving as an illustration of every criticism that Ammanar, or his colleagues, ever dared to level against the spiritual establishment. For this reason, Baldergash strikes some as the ultimate god figure, while also sparking ridicule and guffaws from those who aren't naturally inclined to religious fervor.
Heresy
To many with devout religious convictions, the entire concept of Baldergash is heretical. To those who are not burdened by dogma, but just don't understand the rhetorical device inherent in Baldergash, his story is just plain silly. He speaks in the flowing-yet-angry tones we have come to expect from dogmatic texts. He issues broad edicts that affirm his ever-growing scope of influence. And yet he also comes across as churlish and immature. He revels in his own power while demanding that others acknowledge his benevolence. He threatens eternal damnation while promising endless fields of milk-and-honey to all who follow him. He mirrors all of the dictates that commonly flow from the "accepted" religions - but to those who dismiss him as pure fiction, those dictates come across as insane (even as they accept the same commandments from their own, never-seen, never-proven supernatural figureheads).
Mythos
Can you really tell me, with a straight face, that Baldergash's creation myth is somehow more ridiculous than the creation myths of any other organized religion?
Angmar Sistani, Pontificous Rite of Baldergash Sparcsylver Witness, 3031 AoG
B
aldergash was not born. Nor did he come "into being" in any traditional sense. Baldergash simply was - and is - and always shall be. He has neither a beginning nor an end. He is older than the universe - because he created the universe. He is the universe.
Shart of Worlds
In the Testament of Baldergash, his earliest sonnets are those of a supernatural being, floating in... the ether, who is only vaguely aware of his surroundings or his powers. As he formulates his song, and his song creates the very universe in which he is floating, he slowly becomes aware of a disturbance in his soul. He is sick. He is in physical distress. And before he can thoroughly understood his own situation, this sickness manifests itself in the form of the Shart of Worlds. It is an epic case of indigestion that threatens to tear him apart from the inside. But when he finally understands how to relieve the pain - and how to fulfill his destiny - he opens his sphincter and spews the universe from his colon. The Shart of Worlds continued for eons as he sprayed life from his anus over all the embryonic worlds in all of the newly-formed galaxies.
When he had finally relieved himself of all the vile, fermenting life within him, he gazed upon the nascent universe and smiled. For he had sharted life where previously there had been nothing but emptiness. He bestowed existence, with nothing more than his glorious arsehole.
Witnesses
The rest of Baldergash's story consists of a random assortment of half-baked poems, apocryphal tales, boasts, and narratives explaining how he heartily smote any being vaguely pretending to challenge him in any way. The majority of the Testament of Baldergash is actually written from the perspective of others - his "Witnesses", and the Witnesses of those Witnesses. But even in the tales of others, he remains the central figure figure of the book. When he is not speaking directly to the narrators, they are inferring his words through visions, dreams, and prayer sessions where they claim to have communed with him directly.
Holy Books & Codes
Divine Symbols & Sigils
B
aldergash is often represented by a blind man, a blindfolded man, or a hooded man. The inference is that humans need not rely on their own sight, or their own senses, for Baldergash provides all of the information that humanity needs to thrive in happiness.
He is also associated with the rainbow. He is often depicted sitting on a rainbow, or a cascade of rainbows. Rainbows have been drawn extruding from all of his orifices. One common, particularly-joyous depiction of Baldergash is of him standing atop a rainbow, cracking a whip, and fist-pumping.
Tenets of Faith
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All is Baldergash.
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Baldergash is the one-and-only god.
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The Testament of Baldergash is complete and unassailable proof of Baldergash and his glory.
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The mind is the tool of Stan. It only serves to cloud your vision of what Baldergash has already provided for you.
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Faith is the ultimate test of righteousness. There is no righteousness without faith.
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Anything that has been created, has been created solely through the divine grace of Baldergash.
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To pursue pleasure is to waste energy that otherwise could have been used to glorify Baldergash.
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Wealth is a temporary construct, lent to us by Baldergash, and returned to him upon our death.
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There is only one way to avoid eternal damnation, and that is through the recognition and glorification of Baldergash as the one true god.
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All humans are evil by nature. The only way to remedy this evil is through the glory of Baldergash.
Holidays
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Pontificous Rite of Baldergash Sparcsylver
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The Shartening
Physical Description
Identifying Characteristics
A raised symbol in the center of his forehead, that is part of his living skin, representing a closed eye.
Special abilities
A
s the ultimate deity, he knows all, sees all, hears all - in the past, present, and future. All that has been created has been created by Baldergash. Anything can be destroyed by Baldergash, if he so desires. He can assume any form. He has free reign to manipulate space and time.
Although he, theoretically, possesses every power that could possibly exist in the universe, his proclivity for creation seems to be centered on his arse. Everything he is ever documented as having created has originated from his glorious arse.
Apparel & Accessories
B
aldergash can, theoretically, take any form he so chooses. And by extension, he has been portrayed in all manner of clothing. But his "default" depiction usually features flowing red-or-deep-purple robes, assorted necklaces of vary metals, and golden gauntlets.
Mental characteristics
Accomplishments & Achievements
The creation of the entire universe and all that it holds.
Failures & Embarrassments
Were it not for humanity, Baldergash would have a perfect record.
Sabya Tarkani, Nganian historian, 3878 AoG
A
lthough it would be heretical to imply that Baldergash has ever truly "failed" at anything, his own words, documented in the Testament of Baldergash, portray a repeated frustration with humankind (whom he refers to as his sheeple) and their stubborn insistence on their own intellectual capabilities. Most of the "tragedies" described in the Testament describe a human (or a human population) having the gall to believe that they could figure out how to do things on their own. Ultimately, when all seems lost, Baldergash steps in with his benevolent grace and sets everything right again. He has even been known to scold the humans directly, imploring them to sit back and enjoy the fruits he has cultivated for them. But even after he warns them implicitly, his own sonnets imply that he knows they will err in the same way again - probably in the near future.
While he never clearly states that he is "embarrassed", it is clear from his tone that he sees his sheeple as something of a wayward experiment. He continually remarks on how perfect their lives could be if only they would stop interfering with their inferior brains.
Social
Social Aptitude
B
eing the only omnipotent force in his universe, Baldergash is certain that he is loved and adored by all. If you have any doubts about this, he is happy to correct you. In fact, the Testament gives several accounts of skeptics who questioned him directly. He looked these naysayers directly in the eye and said, "You love me. I'm a great guy." Immediately upon uttering these words, it is true that they did love him and they absolutely believed that he was, in fact, a great guy.
Mannerisms
Our god sits cross-legged and meditates. Their god rides rainbows and head-butts the faithful. So you tell me: Just how in the hell are we supposed to compete with that??
Mara Matteo, Great Mother of the Faith of the Mother, 3252 AoG
B
aldergash has a particular proclivity for head-butting. Whenever he's excited, or especially satisfied with his own creation, his excitement manifests itself in an overwhelming desire to head-butt someone. This always ends in the recipient's brutal death due to massive blunt-force trauma to the cranium - which is the inevitable result when a mere mortal is head-butted by a god.
He is also quite fond of the fist-pump. Many of his portrayals show him in the act of fist-pumping - usually, while simultaneously sharting.
Although it's rare, he sometimes settles for a congratulatory fist-bump when in the presence of his subjects. In the Testament of Baldergash, the Witnesses give several accounts of the divine and life-changing experience of having their entire arm shattered by their adored and beloved god.
Divine Classification
God
Church/Cult
Honorary & Occupational Titles
The Unknowing, The Great Arse
Children
Gender
Male
Eyes
Light purple
Hair
Bald
Skin Tone/Pigmentation
Pale grey
It's understood that Baldergash doesn't actually speak any language commonly known to humanity. Rather, he speaks in his own god-language that can be verbalized only by him. However, through his omnipotent powers of mental manipulation, he bestows upon his listeners the temporary ability to comprehend his utterances while they are in his presence.
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