Silas's Stupendously Ostentatious Ordinance
"Big cannon shoot Kerplunk into the air,
Big cannon noise gave Kerplunk a scare
Kerplunk like a bird, fly in the sky
Then Kerplunk start fall, maybe he die
Kerplunk get splinters in his head and his bum
But none in his eyes, cause cannon man not dumb!"
"This does not seem like the best of ideas. Well, Silas seems like he knows what he's doing. This ought to kick-start my adventuring career! Just need to climb in and...wait...don't I need some sort of headgear? Oh...magic goggles...will they protect my head, or my face, or...anything? Alright then, here we go. It's time to fly, endless riches will come my way!
Step right up, come one come all! It's time for the graaaaaaaaand opening of Silas's Stupendously Ostentatious Ordinance, which is that beauty behind me. Now, some of you may be thinking, "Silas, that's a cannon, what's so special about a cannon?" I am here to tell you, this is not just any cannon, but this is the most unique cannon you'll ever find. All you'll need is a pair of patented Silas's Secure Safety Shields, which are these beautiful goggles. Now, I must stress, you NEED to wear these things to survive any sort of journey from this beauty.
Now friends, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "But Silas, Mr. Wonderful, these are just simple goggles. How are these things going to help me at all?" Now I'm here to tell you, these things are enchanted! Now, you'll be soaring at speeds never before seen. So fast, and so far, your very eyes would pop out without these things. But that's not what makes these magical you see. Normally, flying such a great speed and hitting...well anything...would turn you into no more than a grease spot. With these goggles, you'll find you slow down significantly to a non lethal...err...mostly non lethal collision. There's no faster or safer way to travel across the whole continent! Step right up, pay your due, and any location in this world is within your grasp.