Silas's Stupendously Ostentatious Ordinance

Created by Tarkol, narrated by Silas the Wonderful.

"Big cannon shoot Kerplunk into the air,
Big cannon noise gave Kerplunk a scare
Kerplunk like a bird, fly in the sky
Then Kerplunk start fall, maybe he die
Kerplunk get splinters in his head and his bum
But none in his eyes, cause cannon man not dumb!"
Kerplunk Kerplonk, the first successful candidate

"This does not seem like the best of ideas. Well, Silas seems like he knows what he's doing. This ought to kick-start my adventuring career! Just need to climb in and...wait...don't I need some sort of headgear? Oh...magic goggles...will they protect my head, or my face, or...anything? Alright then, here we go. It's time to fly, endless riches will come my way!
— – The final words of Jacobo Slackjaw, a testing candidate.

Step right up, come one come all! It's time for the graaaaaaaaand opening of Silas's Stupendously Ostentatious Ordinance, which is that beauty behind me. Now, some of you may be thinking, "Silas, that's a cannon, what's so special about a cannon?" I am here to tell you, this is not just any cannon, but this is the most unique cannon you'll ever find. All you'll need is a pair of patented Silas's Secure Safety Shields, which are these beautiful goggles. Now, I must stress, you NEED to wear these things to survive any sort of journey from this beauty.

Now friends, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "But Silas, Mr. Wonderful, these are just simple goggles. How are these things going to help me at all?" Now I'm here to tell you, these things are enchanted! Now, you'll be soaring at speeds never before seen. So fast, and so far, your very eyes would pop out without these things. But that's not what makes these magical you see. Normally, flying such a great speed and hitting...well anything...would turn you into no more than a grease spot. With these goggles, you'll find you slow down significantly to a non lethal...err...mostly non lethal collision. There's no faster or safer way to travel across the whole continent! Step right up, pay your due, and any location in this world is within your grasp.

Cannon
Nickname
"The Adventurer's Fast Travel"
Motto
"No distance too far, no height too great."
Manufacturer
Silas's Helpful Heroes
Owner
Silas the Wonderful
Owning Organization
Silas's Helpful Heroes
Rarity
Unique
Cargo & Passengers Capacity
Fits up to one large creature.

Comments

Please Login in order to comment!
29 Dec, 2018 22:19

Short but amusing!   What exactly is the origin of the machine, though?

29 Dec, 2018 22:30

I'll add a bit to expand on the origin, most likely of dwarven-make, though Silas will claim it as his own creation

30 Dec, 2018 17:01

Short but amusing article. Did the cannon see actual use or how was the reception amongst people after it was taken into use? how many testers died in making this product? Did it see further development? Could the vict... eeer... customer, bring luggage?

30 Dec, 2018 17:06

Most of the common folk who see it do not use it, though they discuss it quite a bit. They see it as very interesting, but they would never want to venture that far from home to begin with. Its most common use, aside from transporting adventurers, is to launch political enemies to faraway lands. Once it was finished, it had not been further developed, pending the report from Kerplunk Kerplonk (which is part of our D&D campaign). I like the idea of luggage, I will throw expand a bit.

30 Dec, 2018 17:46

It reminds me somehow of the New Super Mario Bros launch cannon in terms of transport. Silly but clearly sells the entire thing! But really tho, how much distance can one achieve with one of these cannons? Or are they even tested before usage?

30 Dec, 2018 17:57

Silas claims the cannon has been calibrated to launch a traveler anywhere on the continent, and all testing has been achieved with the latest test being a success with "minimal damage".

Powered by World Anvil