AETHEL-RED LENTIL STEW
INGREDIENTS:
- 2 large garlic cloves from the garden, chopped with your kitchen morningstar
- 1 cup of dry red lentils, rinsed
- 8 ounces red-skinned potatoes, cut into 1/2-inch pieces with silver dagger
- About 8 cups fresh spinach leaves, torn maybe like in a wolven frenzy
- 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
- 1/4 cup chopped fresh mint
PREPARATION:
- Over medium heat, heat the oil in that heavy large saucepan you found in the dungeon. Try very hard to not burn yourself.
- Add garlic and stir 30 seconds. Take deep breaths, try to calm your nerves. Maybe have a little bit of wine or ale. Calm down.
- Add vegetable broth and lentils; bring to boil. Take time to check in with yourself: are you getting anxious?
- Seriously, though: if you're feeling anxious, sit down on the floor and breathe deeply. In through the nose, out through the mouth.
- Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Clear your mind. Be here now.
- Add potatoes; cook uncovered until potatoes and lentils are tender, stirring occasionally, about 15 minutes.
- Meanwhile, meditate to keep your focus. Remember: you are not the monster within you.
- Compose yourself, then check if you’ve accidentally killed any of your friends. Grate 1/2 teaspoon peel from lemon; squeeze enough juice from lemon to measure 2 tablespoons.
- Add lemon peel, lemon juice, spinach and cayenne to stew.
- Cover and simmer stew until spinach wilts and is cooked, about 2 minutes. Mix in the mint.
- Perform an Endurance check. If you pass it, season to taste with salt and pepper. If you fail, try not to hurt anyone.
- Spoon stew into large soup bowls. Sprinkle feta cheese.
- Don’t get angry at anyone who doesn't like your stew. It's their problem, not yours.
- Try not to get angry.
Baskets of Sunlight
INGREDIENTS:
- 1 large avocado, cut in half. Remove the pit so it leaves a nice divot in each half.
- As much salt and ground black pepper as you’d like. No, not that much.
- 1 healthy pinch of cayenne pepper. No, more than that.
- 1/4 cup crumbled, cooked veggie bacon strips.
- 1 tablespoon finely chopped, fresh chives
PREPARATION:
- Find your favorite veggie bacon and cook it up real nice in a skillet. We want this stuff to crumble when it’s ready.
- And no, the veggie bacon is actually pretty good so don’t argue with me. I’m getting stressed just thinking about it. No, stop.
- Preheat your campfire or Therian fireoven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C).
- Place each avocado half in something to keep it steady. Could be a muffin tin, or just use whatever it is you use to make my famous Campfire Cornbread.
- Crack 1 egg into each avocado half, but don’t be ridiculous and scramble it or anything violent. Just drop it in. When it’s done, you want this to look like a little sun sitting in the middle of an avocado. Yes I know that sounds dumb but it’s supposed to signify Hope and Amaunator’s Blessed Light. We want Amaunator to be proud or something. That asshole.
- At this point, take a moment to look around and make sure you aren’t being followed, that your campfire hasn’t attracted the wrong kind of creatures, or that you aren’t immediately needing to enter melee combat.
- Once your satisfied that you aren’t in mortal danger, just dump it all on top: salt, black pepper, and cayenne pepper.
- Bake until each egg is entirely cooked through. Remember to keep the muffin tin as level as possible so the egg goo doesn’t fall out. All this should take about 15 minutes.
- Sprinkle each avocado with the veggie bacon and chives.
Tip: Try and get the largest avocados you can for these, since you’ll need lots of room to hold all the egg bits.
I came up with these 'Baskets of Sunlight' as a breakfast treat for my flock on the Fire Isles, well over a decade ago. Easy to make over a campfire. Pretty healthy too. Do your best to find good fake bacon for this. If you HAVE to use real bacon for this, just remember me when you're dealing with heart disease.
Enjoy!
Calluna's Campfire Apples
INGREDIENTS:
- several pinches of ground cinnamon
PREPARATION:
- Core each apple with a thin, silver dagger.
- Fill the core of the apple with the brown sugar and cinnamon.
- Wrap the apple in a large piece of extremely thin plate armor (= heavy tin foil), and twist the end to make a long handle so you don’t burn yourself—or, in Calluna’s case, completely burst into flames because you're a plant. In fact, if you're made of anything flammable, let someone else take care of this for you.
- Place the whole shebang directly in the coals of the fire and cook 5 to 10 minutes, until softened. (Be super careful of the hot sugar when you unwrap the parcel—it’ll melt your entire face and/or head off.)
Campfire Cornbread
INGREDIENTS:
- 1-1/4 cups coarsely ground cornmeal
- 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 2 teaspoons baking powder
- 8 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
PREPARATION:
- Find a nice campfire or roaring fireplace around 425 degrees F (220 C). Place a 9-inch cast iron skillet on the coals while you make the batter. Warning: this skillet’s gonna get fucking HOT. Be prepared. Wear your kitchen gauntlets.
- In a large upside-down helmet, mix together the cornmeal, flour, baking soda, baking powder, sugar and salt. Whisk in the eggs, buttermilk, and milk. Gently melt the butter and whisk almost all of it into the mix as well. Keep a little bit of the butter to coat the skillet.
- Now FUCKING CAREFULLY pick up the skillet. See if you can reduce the fire’s temperature to around 375 degrees F (190 C). Coat the entire inside of the skillet with the leftover butter.
- Pour the batter into the skillet and place it right on top of the fire for about 20 to 25 minutes. That’s just enough time to meditate and cool your head. No stress, no stress.
- Now what you want to do here is bake this stuff until the center of the cornbread is firm and small shard of wood inserted into the center comes out clean. It’s okay if the edges get a little crispy.
Cool it all down, and get your shit together for about 10 minutes. Serve with some homemade honey butter, but only if you want to make friends for LIFE.
Sometimes, you wander through life and just think about your deity all the time. Sometimes, even the simplest things can make your faith grow stronger. Sometimes, you try and connect avocados and eggs to your god and then you realize you're a little over the deep end. And then sometimes, you realize that your god isn't being very friendly, and then you have to ask yourself why you've been wasting all this time trying to make him happy when he's being a jerk.
Marrek's Morningstar Hashbrown Casserole
INGREDIENTS:
- 2 pounds peeled potatoes, grated
- 1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup
- 2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
- 2 cups crushed cornflakes cereal
PREPARATION:
- In a frying pan, brown the grated potatoes with three tablespoons olive oil
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
- Find a large bowl and dump out any eyeballs or body parts kept there. Mix together all this: the cooked hashbrowned potatoes, 1/2 cup melted butter, the cream of mushroom, the sour cream, chopped onion, cheese. Salt and pepper to taste. Place mixture in an appropriately-sized casserole dish.
- Take a break and look through cupboards to find anything unsavory. Dispose of it.
- In a medium saucepan over medium heat, saute the cereal cornflakes in 1/4 cup melted butter, and sprinkle the mixture over the top of the casserole.
- Bake for 40 minutes, covered.
- Wait for the rest of the part to wake up and enjoy. This may take quite some time.
- Prepare some sort of tea from what you think is probably a root or some flowers.
- Keep an eye on any tieflings wandering around the kitchen.
Stovetop Marrek-oni & Cheese
INGREDIENTS:
- 1/2 pound elbow macaroni, or really any size pasta that makes a tube of some sort
- 6 oz. evaporated milk (not condensed!)
- 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper or hot sauce
- 3/4 teaspoon dry mustard powder (this is the 'secret ingredient'—I more or less double this amount, to be honest, but it's your call)
- 10 ounces sharp cheddar cheese, shredded like a werewolf got to it
PREPARATION:
- Salt some water, boil it, add the pasta and cook. Careful not to overcook. I said don't overcook the pasta.
- Once done, drain and return the still-hot pasta to the pot, then add all the butter. Stir for a few seconds until it’s completely melted.
- In a large bowl or other relatively clean receptacle, whisk together the cayenne, mustard powder, salt, pepper, and milk and eggs.
- With your mace or other bludgeoning device, stir all that into the pasta and add the shredded cheese. Put the whole shebang over low heat and keep stirring for about 3 minutes til it’s all creamy and amazing. Eat as much of it as soon as you can, or I'm telling you, your friends will steal it.
Calms the inner beast, and guaranteed to be a hit for parties—especially those camping in the wilderness. Makes an excellent last meal.
I’ve made my famous honey butter for Vallus several times now, though I’ve never explicitly said it was for him. Named it in honor of him, actually. I just always come back to the kitchen with 3/4 of it simply… gone. Afterwards, there are traces of it left on his face, as if I couldn’t tell. I honestly think he’s eating it straight, just using his fingers. It’s kind of adorable.
Therian Grieving Rolls
INGREDIENTS:
- 1 tablespoon active-dry yeast
- 1 very, very small dragon egg OR 1 large normal egg
- 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
PREPARATION:
- In your helmet or some other large bowl, stir the yeast into the warm water and let it sit until dissolved.
In a different upside-down helmet, whisk together the milk, egg, oil, sugar, salt, and poison. Wait no not poison that’s not right.
- Add all this to the yeast mixture and stir until combined. Add the flour and stir until the dough gets sticky. Focus. Try not to get anxious or anything, and focus on the fact that these rolls will help people get over deep, crippling sadness.
Knead the sticky dough by hand against the counter for about 10 minutes, until smooth but slightly tacky. It should spring back when poked, just like Una.
- Cover the upside-down helmet. Leave it in a warm spot and let the dough rise until doubled in size. Should take about an hour. In the meantime, try not to kill anyone. Maybe write in your journal? Definitely check in with yourself.
- Comb your mustache, if you have one. For the love of Amaunator, just focus.
- Once the dough has risen, dust your work surface with a bit more flour and throw the dough out on top. Divide it into 12 pieces, using a dagger or other sharp torture implement nearby.
- Shape the parcels into the traditional Therian Grieving Roll shape: tuck the edges underneath to form a little package you imagine is filled with all the remorse and shame of a thousand generations, then roll the dough around between your palms until round and smooth. This effectively traps in the tears of your ancestors. Remember that every Therian
- Grieving Roll is thought to hold the sadness of all those who have ever fallen—or ever will fall—in Theria, so don’t fuck this up or it’s super disrespectful.
- Tear a parchment page out of one of Jadzia’s largest tomes. Line a rectangular pan with it, and spray the page with the oil you use to clean your weapon or armor. Otherwise just spray a nonstick coating of some sort. Arrange the rolls inside the pan, spacing them out a little. Let the rolls rise for about half an hour until they fill the pan and look like little pillows made from the horror of terrible, gruesome death.
- While the rolls are rising, pre-heat the oven to 375°F. Meanwhile, take this time to reflect on those close to you who have felt deep sadness and regret. This should likely be everyone in Theria. Try not to cry or you’ll ruin it and you’ll have to start over.
- Melt the butter and brush it over the risen grieving rolls. This is the secret step to making the grief go away forever. Wait no that’s the poison again. Don’t use any poison.
- Bake the rolls until golden.15 to 20 minutes, tops.
- Lift the grieving rolls from the pan, apologize to Jadzia for using a page from her tome, and let the rolls cool on a chain mail shirt or something until they’re cool enough to touch. Be sure to give Therian Grieving Rolls to those who are crying, lamenting, regretting, or despairing. Sometimes we bury the dead with a roll or two. Eat whatever’s left as soon as possible, and remember to bury your sadness deep, deep down inside where it can never come out.
Enjoy!
Twist the Honey Butter
INGREDIENTS:
- a couple pinches of cinnamon
PREPARATION:
- Pick some part of your armor that makes a shallow bowl, or just use a spare helmet. In it, combine the butter, honey and cinnamon.
- Whisk with your kitchen morningstar or travel mace until light and fluffy.
- Place as much as will fit in traveling tins for your friends—they'll always want more.
