The Conflict
Prelude
Prior to the Spoiled Soup Incident, the MacGaffertys and McCrillochs had been rivals for longer than anyone could remember. MacGaffertys told legends of McCrilloch stupidity, cowardice, frailty, and male impotency. McCrillochs told eerily similar legends portraying MacGaffertys as stupid, cowardly, frail, and impotent.
Regardless of the truth about the origin of the rivalry, both clans are in agreement over the specific incident which caused the outbreak of open hostilities, though important differences exist in the retellings.
There is no debate as to when the incident occurred, as it could only have been on a Thursday. This is due to the fact that, per religious traditions stretching back to when the centaurs were even more uncivilized than they are today, haggis soup was only ever to be consumed on Thursdays (Hilaxo of the Itatlan History and Magic Society speculates that this convention arose as a necessity to prevent the tribes from hunting the delicious native haggises to extinction.)
At the time there was a woods witch who was reputed to make a haggis soup so delicious it would endow anyone who drank it with the largest "claymore" of all centaurs, as well as to all their descendants. For unexplained reasons, the chieftains of both clans - Bruce MacGafferty and Bruce McCrilloch - had learned the location of the witch and arrived at her hut simultaneously.
Bruce MacGafferty claimed that Bruce McCrilloch spilled the magical haggis soup when, "Loch th' divit he is," McCrilloch knocked over the witch's hut trying to get in the door. However, Bruce McCrilloch blamed Bruce MacGafferty for the spilled soup, claiming that MacGafferty flipped the table when he smashed his face into it trying to bend down, "Coz he was blooter'd." At this point the stories converge again, as both Bruces apparently drew swords, cursed each other for ruining perfectly good magical soup, and swore oaths of vengeance. Each galloped back to their holds and mustered their client clans for war.
The accounts of both clans speak of such rage and sorrow over the spilled haggis soup (much is made by both clans lamenting that even though everyone obviously already knew which clan had the largest "claymores", the spilled soup ruined the chance to prove it beyond a doubt) that both belligerents consumed enough beer and whiskey that neither side was in a state to advance to war for three days.
When the MacGaffertys and their allies met the McCrillochs and their allies along the western bank of the Nurv river, near the Rock of Dernclaive, they did so in the usual way. Spearmen stood at the front, with the flanks protected by swordsmen wielding two-handers. Behind the front were the archers, and behind them stood a Bruce with his champions. A bagpiper played the traditional two-bellowed instrument to relay the chieftain's orders. Each clan deployed more or less in this manner. When fighting each other, centaurs enjoy a simple, pitched battles.
Based on other, recorded battles between clans, it can be generally assumed that the Battle of the Soup (as it came to be known) involved very little strategy or maneuvering and likely devolved into a chaotic melee (oftentimes even the archers only shoot an arrow or two before getting bored and charging into the melee.)
While clan warfare is quite spirited, and even warriors who were supposedly held in reserve suffer plenty of injuries, actual deaths are quite few. However, so long was the rivalry between MacGaffertys and McCrillochs, and so great the perceived offense, that both sides let into each other with a bloodlust seldom seen. Moments after the front lines engaged the Bruces themselves charged in, heedless and filled with rage.
They both fell. Tradition says that they found each other on the field, and died together (according to each clan, their chief fought gloriously and with honor, while the enemy utilized some cowardly deceit.) However it is more likely that they died in the usual ways - by a spear thrust to the chest, or a sword cut to the head, or knocked down and trampled underhoof.
When it became clear that the Bruces had fallen, the minor clans ordered their men to retreat, and the field was cleared.
The Bruces left behind sons, sons who would lead their respective clans and add to an ever-growing list of vile misdeeds perpetrated by one and justifiably retaliated by the other. The other clans, while not considered the primary parties, nevertheless found themselves pressured to back either the MacGaffertys or McCrillochs, and chieftain who attempted any form of neutrality soon found themselves without a head.
For five and a half centuries the war has continued. Few large battles have been fought, but raids and skirmishes have been plenty. The grasslands west of the Nurv are dangerous for travelers, as any foreigner is likely to be attacked for being a spy of the enemy. However, with the clans so focused on their own internecine warfare, bordering lands have been relatively safe from the raids which, prior to the soup, had been frequent.
Historical Significance
The Tale of the Bruces has been sung in many halls of many chieftains for many generations. Tribal hatred is now so ingrained, and permanent war is the only conceivable state, that outsiders see no way for the conflict to end, save for the complete annihilation of one clan or the other. The fires of burning homes and farms are a constant reminder to nearby lands that there really isn't anything special about haggis soup, and actually it's a little gross.
Comments