Families Torn
“Father, why don’t we just go out into the mountains and live in a cabin?! Then we wouldn’t need to live like this!” screamed Anette.
“Because it’s just a plain stupid idea!” her father bellowed back. “First off, the mountains are all frozen! What could we possibly achieve out there on our own with no food or supplies to last us! There aren’t even that many scraps and materials for the scientists to use! Besides Erik promised us that the rocket is almost completed, and we’d be out of here soon!”
“Why haven’t you seen through him yet!? Are you completely blind? He’s corrupted with his power!” retorted Anette.
Anette has a burning hatred for Erik Jens Peterson. Since Erik Jens Peterson was hailed as a hero for creating the food source for Nuuk, he has been using his influence and power to create a new set of “laws” for the people to follow. One of these laws is that women need to stay inside and essentially play house mom for any children that need to be taken care of. Anette was not known to be a mother figure. Rather, Anette has always yearned for adventure. She always had wanted to do something more in life rather than sit around and babysit children that weren’t even hers. Not to mention that Anette never really had a mother to begin with. Her mother died when she was an infant, leaving her father to take care of her. Anette loved her father, though. She really cares for him and really wishes for him to join her out in the frozen mountains. Unfortunately, her father was one of people that were selected to assist Erik Jens Peterson in scavenging for scraps and materials in the frozen mountains. Over time, Anette’s father has grown a certain admiration for the head scientist of Nuuk.
“I’m not blind. I am just trusting the fact that Peterson will come through with what he said. He did create our food source after all, so I trust that he will do more.” her father stated.
“Father, you are just like everyone else. You are just getting lured into what he says. If you haven’t realized it, Erik is just giving people empty promises and has no way of providing what he says.”
“Anette, you need to understand that trusting someone in times like this is important.”
“Father just listen to him. Nothing that comes out of his mouth his true at this point. I agree that he was very helpful at the beginning of all this, but he’s not what he used to be anymore.”
“Anette, for the very last time I am not coming out with you to live in a cabin in the mountains.”
Anette sighed frustratingly and got up from her chair and stormed out of the house. She threw open the front door and saw Erik Jens Peterson standing right outside the house.
“Hello Anette. How are you doing?” Peterson asked.
“Not good, no thanks to you. Get out of my face.” scoffed Anette.
Anette gives Peterson the cold shoulder and quickly brushes past him.
“If you want to talk to my father, he’s inside. Help yourself…you prick.” Anette muttered the last two words under her breath as she walked away.
“Hmm, I wonder what happened to her. Ah, maybe I’ll ask her father.” Peterson pondered.
Peterson walked into the house and found Anette’s father sitting there staring off into space. Peterson knocks on the door to get his attention.
“Hello there. I need to speak to you.” said Peterson in his monotone voice.
“Oh why, of course Peterson! How are you doing?” exclaimed a startled Anette’s father.
“I am fine. Thank you for asking. Is everything alright with Anette?”
“Everything is fine. Just the normal everyday bickering over something pointless.”
“I’m sure it’s not pointless if you guys continue to argue about it.”
“I guess you’re right. I’ll talk to her about it later. Anyway, what brings you here Peterson?”
“Well, I need to go back out to the frozen mountains again to scavenge for more scraps and materials. We still have a decent amount in stock, but I feel like there is a big snow storm coming and I would like to stock up on materials for the people before the storm hits us and we are rendered helpless.”
“Yes, of course. I can definitely come with you on the next scavenging trip if you would like. When are you thinking of leaving?”
“I was thinking that we leave in two days for about 2-5 days before the storm hits.”
“Sounds good, Peterson! I will get ready for the trip.”
“Thank you very much.”
“Of course! Anytime.”
“By the way, can I ask what you and Anette were arguing about?”
Peterson takes his glasses off and looks at Anette’s father intently. Peterson has known that Anette never really liked him, and he fears that Anette may start to have suspicions of his lack of resources and his empty words.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Anette just wishes for me to join her in the frozen mountains and live inside a cabin.” replied Anette’s father. “She just doesn’t trust you and thinks you are giving us empty promises.”
“Ah, if that’s the case, do not worry.” Peterson replied with a darkened voice as he furrowed his brows. “I will make sure that she knows that I am not giving the people of Nuuk empty promises. I did, after all, create the food supply for the community.”
“That’s what I told her, but she thinks you haven’t done anything since. She thinks you’ve been corrupted with your leadership position.”
“She is still young compared to the rest of us. She has much to learn.”
“Thank you for understanding Peterson. I trust you and I will let my daughter know that you mean well.”
“You are welcome. I will see to it myself that she knows who I really am and what I can do for people like her. I will see you later. Thank you.”
“Thank you for having me, Peterson!”
Peterson turns around and leaves the house. As he leaves the house, Peterson frowned and starts to think of ways to deal with Anette and her wandering mind that threatens his power and position.
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Good beginning, dialogue is always fun to start a story, draws the reader in. In fact, I think the dialogue is really good throughout the piece. A few more awkward parts so think about reading it outloud and doing some edits depending on how things want to roll off the tongue. The actions of the characters are strong, in fact, all three of them are pushing the story forwards and building tension, leaving me wanting to know what is going to happen next! Annette bites the dust is what I'm guessing! Oh oh oh! I enjoyed the perspective change too, from a bit of a further perspective into Peterson's head. The way it was written, it felt like a lot of telling and not a lot of description. It told a lot about the history of the world, which I can see why it is tempting for to try to explain the world through the story, but going back, I think it would be better to try to explain the relationships of the characters and description of the spaces to describe the world rather than describe the history of it. The actions of the characters and their personalities are strong, as mentioned up above, but I feel that you were not completely secure in the characters and their actions, because you kept on describing their thoughts father than letting their actions and words (although your dialogue was good) do all the work. I know that we were writing about worlds that potential readers may no nothing about, but try to explain who the characters are and their perspective of the world rather than discribe a character through the world they are in. All in all, solid job.