We are the heart and soul of the corporation, the carrier of its banners, the lovable face to the masses. Just repeat that whenever you feel silly.
— Mascoting 101: Taking Yourself Seriously As An Antrophomorphic Shoe
Just because they are soulless monuments to greed and excess, fueled by misery and crushing dehumanization, doesn't mean corporations can't be
fun. And what's more fun than a mascot? At least, that's been the theory of marketing campaigns for as long as there's been marketing departments. Corporate mascots are cheerfully costumed entertainers, dressed in some facsimile of whatever they're trying to sell or promote, no matter how grim that happens to be. From mercenaries to cigarettes, from children's toys to bio-weapons, if it needs to be sold, there's a mascot made to sell it.
Thousands of costumes have been invented throughout the ages, from Joe Camel to Rex the
Raffleraptor, and thousands more have been abandoned to the gutters.
Mascoting 101
Hey kids! Don't forget - more is better, so always go for full auto!
— Benny the Bullet, Centurion Arms & Armor Mascot, Ammo Division
Corporate mascots vary wildly in appearance, depending on what they're trying to sell and who they're selling it to, but there are some trends. The most common form is some sort of anthropomorphic version of a product or logo,
which is occasionally awkward, with exaggerated, friendly feature and bright colors. Good mascots have clear and ironic silhouettes, making them easy to recognize even at a distance or in poor conditions, and the best mascots make sure no one else has a silhouette anywhere near their likeness.
Some aren't bad... by Scott Evans (Unsplash)
Like their appearance, the materials used vary, depending on the wealth of the corporation and the importance of the brand. Mascots of important brands with a history of profit are made from the latest polymers, smart-fabric, and whatever else R&D can dream up. Others might have to make do with cardboard and foam, held together by duct tape and sweaty desperation.
Some few are forged from the very stuff of life itself, brewed up in the genetic-vats of corporations like
Best Friends Forge. These
clones are made from birth to look like the mascot, sometimes with some surgery to help things along the way. More budget-conscious corporations skip the middle man and just alter an existing employee until they look the part. Sometimes without even asking, but it was all in the
EULA.
Of course, corps often make employees pay for the costume or surgery, deducted directly from their salary.
And there's no getting off mascot duty until it's paid.
Though the decision of creating a new mascot lies almost entirely in the hands of a corporation's marketing department, it can envelop much of a corporation in a particularly mean-spirited hell. The more important the brand is, the more people need to sign off on its design and presentation until there's finally enough red tape to strangle the entire city.
Everyone involved wants to put their own mark on the damn things, and every time someone changes their mind, or a detail doesn't work, the entire thing needs to be signed off by the entire chain again. Inevitably, the budget gets cut, or the CEO changes their mind somewhere along the line, and they have to do the whole thing over again... And again.
Such a process can take years, but feels significantly longer for the poor bastards stuck with it.
Others... by Owen Vangioni (Unsplash)
Some managers only consider the process truly complete after at least one suicide or murder.
The
why of a new mascot usually comes down to some new marketing push. If a brand has gotten stale, can't seem to reach 'the kids', or whatever the marketing department needs to look like they're doing something, that's a good excuse to create a new mascot. Though the design principles of creating a memorable mascot have long been enshrined into the
mascoteers lore, there's always that guy who thinks he knows better and can think of something totally new. Every time, the wheel gets reinvented.
With all that, both corporations and people tend to get attached to their creations.
Mascots & Megacorpolis
Hate all you like. Hate is better than apathy. It means you're paying attention.
— Mae Rose, Villainous Marketing Inc
The average citizen is split on mascots. Many recognize them as little more than cynical marketing ploys at best to the manifestation of everything wrong with the world at worst... But on the other hand, that one mascot is pretty funny and did do those cool ads that one time. Corporate drones are, by their employment contract, expected to love and cherish any and all mascots created by the corporation, and have little choice. This has been known to lead to particularly severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome, especially among workers directly involved mascot design process.
by Daniel Bernard (Unsplash)
Every now and then, a mascot design clicks with the public and becomes icons of their own rights. Fandoms spring up around these lucky few, obsessively cataloging every little thing about them and every appearance they've ever made in any product or engage in petty feuds about the same. Fanfic authors sharpen their pens and duel it out across the internet, while glory and promotion go to the designer of such a success - or more likely, their manager. Corps often try to 'seed' these sorts of reactions with employees or bots faking the same sort of enthusiasm, but that never goes well.
Popular mascots can become brands all of their own, fronting lucrative computer games, TV shows, sponsored products, and the rest - everything from clothes to bullets comes with a mascot's face plastered over it.
On the other hand,
malcontents, rebels, and anti-corpers of all types almost universally hate mascots with a passion forged from a thousand pop-up ads. Any time there's any sort of attack or terrorist action, mascots know they better hide.
Behind the Mask
I hate, hate, hate my job.
— Mascot Employee
Behind the foam and forced smiles, the life of a mascot employee is a stressful one. They're almost always in contact with potential consumers as a public symbol of a brand or corporation. Their presence invites the attention of everything from live-streaming trouble-makers to the rabid fans of a rival mascot. Even on a good day, they're surrounded by people who are at best indifferent, stuck in a suffocating suit, and on their feet for most of the day. And those are the lucky ones.
Every scrape and bump to a costume comes right out of the employee's paycheck, too.
by Maxim Tolchinskiy (Unsplash)
To add to their misery, many corps seem to at once care nothing for supporting their mascots yet micromanage everything about them. Others care too much, to the point where some mascot-wearing employees have been known to just freeze on the spot rather than risk doing something that 'the mascot character wouldn't do'. Some citizens like to make a game of it, poking and prodding at a mascot just to see how they'll break... And how bad.
Incidentally, many mascot employees carry firearms.
Most come to loath the mascot they play, or even all mascots in general. Turn-over, when allowed by their corporate overlords, is furious and dropping out of mascot work can remain a black mark on a worker's resume for years.
At the same time, corporations have managed to foster an atmosphere of intense competition within their mascot marketing divisions. There's not a lot of scraps on the mascot table, so every little crumb is fought over with a ferocity usually reserved for the most bitter of rivalries. When it's time to see who gets promoted out of Mascot work, no tactic is too dirty. Those mascots with real prestige and power lord it over their lessors in an almost feudal manner and are more than willing to murder to keep their position as top mascot-dog.
OMG!!! i think this is your funnier article yet!! I lost it so many times, but I think this line is the best: "Some managers only consider the process truly complete after at least one suicide or murder" Insert standing ovation gif here. AMAZING.
Awww thank you :D That is based in part from a true story about crunch in the game industry, which makes it painfully familiar to some readers, I am sure. :D Thank you <3
Creator of Araea, Megacorpolis, and many others.