T wo massive Obsidian doors stood between Trygg and the Eternal Halls: the final resting place for the Kings and Queens of old. The occupants had faded from memory, and relatives no longer remembered the deeds of their forebearers. This once beloved tomb of remembrance and honor had been left to dust and ruin. Trygg placed his shoulder into the black doors, and after a few shoves, managed to thrust the door open. As he did, a rush of stale air escaped from the crypt and slapped him in the face. Smells like answers, Trygg thought to himself as he stared into the corridor below. The stairs descended into the abyss, and as they disappeared into the maw of darkness below, Trygg could feel his heart as it pounded violently in his chest. Lub Dub ... Lub Dub... Lub Dub As he fought the adrenaline into submission, Trygg shoved his face into his hands and rubbed vigorously. After he composed himself, he reached down and unsnapped a small buckle on his belt that freed a crystal on a curved handle. The crystal was known as a light shard, and it emanated a beautiful blue light from its center. He grabbed the handle and thrust the crystal into the hallway before him as its light illuminated two Dwarven statues carved of obsidian, that guarded the entrance. "Queen Dunri and King Titus, it is nice to see you again." Trygg stood upon the edge of the first step and stared into the darkness as a furry head poked into his field of vision. Two lavender eyes stared up at him anxiously, as the rather large and Badger awaited her next command. His eyes locked with hers as he said "Are you ready to get down there Elina?" Her eager eyes widened as she turned her head back towards the crypt opening. Trygg turned towards the corridor one last time as a small snowflake hit him in the nose. The flake melted against his flushed face then flowed down his face. "First snow of the winter Elina, Irial is with us this day." Trygg started his descent, and his first step would be his last as Elina eagerly pushed her way past the dwarf. She managed to buckle his knee on the step below and Trygg was sent down the stairs on his back. "EEELLL...IIII.....NNNAAAA," He slid into the main chamber of the crypt thirty hard steps later, greeted by Elina with warm eyes after he slammed into the large stone pedestal in the middle of the room. As he crushed his bag into the stone, a small wooden chest was launched out onto the dirty marble floor. Slowly he stood back up on his two feet then turned to Elina and with a crooked smile, he asked, "You couldn't wait, huh?" The only light provided in the darkroom was from the glowing crystal still clutched in Trygg's hand. He lifted his arm high into the air and allowed the light to fill the room, which revealed eight massive stone caskets surrounding them. Each coffin was detailed in beautiful carvings and the house sigils from the occupants inside. Elina walked over to grab the old chest that got launched in the collision and walked it over to Trygg as he set his polearm against the wall with his other possessions. Trygg turned around to Elina, who had sat down before him with the chest in her mouth. "Oh, now you can wait?" Trygg said with a smile on his face. He reached down and patted Elina on the head, then grabbed the chest out of her mouth with his other hand. He walked to the center of the room where the pedestal stood tall and placed the old chest down. "We died near five times on the trip to Fel-Frost Island to kill that ghost of a bear all to stumble on this little wooden chest, let us hope the crystal inside is still in one piece," Trygg said as he opened the lid. A single large snowflake with beautiful designs connecting the arms had been etched into the lid of the chest. The detail around the artwork gave the snowflake life as if it had fallen from the sky. Inside the chest was a beautiful crystal with a deep purple center and the letters APUNI etched into its side, all in one piece. Trygg picked up the crystal and examined its surface as he said "I've seen the snowflake symbol before in this room, but I have no idea what these letters mean on the side of this crystal, APUNI has no meaning, at least not in any known languages," Trygg said as he began to pace around the room. "I remember when I was a wee lad, my father had brought Voghar and I into this crypt on one of his many lessons," Trygg said at Elina, who was now sitting in the center of the room watching the Dwarf pace. "He would talk about the ancient kings and queens of Culvingarrd and how they had forged our future by shedding blood and tears for the nation that they so loved. What was it that he said? Something along the lines of, Don't forget the ancient kings and queens of old, as they will never forget you." Trygg turned around to look at Elina. "My father's favorite story was that of the first king Titus who pushed back the dwarf eating giants of the east and forged Culvingarrd for future generations. King Titus lost two sons that day and without their blood sacrifice, our kingdom may never have existed. He always told us the blood of the first kings runs within our veins and one day, we may need to spill some for our kingdom. To this day I can still picture the snowflakes etched on the King's coffin. Trygg moved to the large stone casket nearest him. "This casket is from the Onyxborn clan as it bears the Golden Wolf of their house. This is the tomb of Bulzad Onyxborn the 8th ruler of Culvingarrd revered for befriending an ancient predator from the north, called an Akin.." Trygg said while moving towards the next tomb. "This casket bears the same mark as the last tomb but the only difference is the fiery background behind the Golden Wolf. This must be Ruvana Onyxborn, mother of Bulzad and the 7th ruler. Her tale was fraught with war as her tomb suggested, covered in etchings of skulls and fire from the deadly war between the Slag Elves to the south. These three here in the middle must be the Coldblood triplets Juro, Jiko, and Jedu with the White Yeti sigil. The lone casket here with the face of a mammoth upon it is for Hamdo Groundcarver who forged the mountains of the south into of on our nation's greatest strongholds." Trygg stopped in front of the last two caskets and stared for a moment, overcome with a feeling of joy and respect. "These last two caskets belong to King Titus and Queen Dunri Snowcloak, the parents of Culvingarrd and my blood." He walked closer to the two caskets and noticed the same etchings of snowflakes covering both tombs. In between the snowflakes lied scenes of accomplishments, King Titus had the head of the giant king etched into his while Dunri had the head of a sabertooth she tamed etched into her own. On the side of the king's tomb, Trygg noticed what seemed to be a locking mechanism that held the lid firmly shut. Above that lock was the same symbol from the chest, a single snowflake. "Seems to be a lock, but this doesn't take any normal key, it actually looks like a hexa-" Trygg was interrupted by Elina who nudged his leg, with a mouth full of purple stone. "The Crystal!" The gemstone was a perfect match, but nothing had happened and the casket remained locked. He twisted the crystal, shoved the lid, and pushed the crystal up and down, all to no avail. Frustration got the better of him and as he reached out to hit the gemstone he was welcomed with a sharp bite of pain. A deep gouge now ran across his palm and spilled blood all over the gemstone and floor. Trygg plopped down on his rear while he applied pressure to his new wound and admitted defeat. Elina slid under Trygg's arm, and stared up at him with those loving purple eyes. "What am I missing, Elina? All the clues have led me here, the chest, our family sigil, the stories my father told me, everything, but why?" Click He whipped around to see what had created the noise, and it was then that Trygg noticed the gemstone fully plunged into the locking mechanism and it had begun to glow with a bright purple light. The side of the gemstone with the etched letters remained visible as the letters glowed with astounding intensity. The lid of the casket slid off its base and revealed the occupant inside; King Titus Snowcloak. The first king of Culvingarrd was buried with two items, his battle ax known as "Desolator, Slayer of Giants," and a strange metal book still clutched in the arms of the king. Trygg reached for the book, and carefully placed the deceased king's hand back down upon himself. The book was unlike any other Trygg had seen. The pages were not of paper, parchment, or wood but actually of thin metal. Etched into each page were various symbols and pictures all labeled and outlined in a foreign language Trygg was unable to decipher. Flipping through the pages, he was faced with a familiar picture; Crystal Shards. "This page is etched with blazing flames covering the background, and it looks like this stone has the word Iyos upon it. This next one is etched with what seems to be lightning bolts and another word Fenhen. How many other stones exist like this on Magmoia?" Flipping to the next page, Trygg is faced with a very similar Symbol, The White Raven on a white snowflake, the Snowcloak banner. Below were the same words from the gemstone "APUNI." The page this time was covered in etched snowflakes and had an exact replica of the gemstone now firmly locked into the kings casket. He closed the book and removed the gemstone from the locking mechanism. "Well, now what? I have found the crystal and now this old book, but what does it all mean?" Trygg walked back to the center of the room, and placed the gemstone back into the chest on the pedestal in the middle of the room. He fell down to the floor, and fell onto his back, staring at the ceiling of the crypt. Each ruler who was buried in here had their likeness painted onto the ceiling. Each of them stood tall and looked up to the sky above. Trygg noticed that the ceiling in the center seemed to shoot up as if it had an opening. Long covered in dirt and debris from the years, the hole above had likely closed over the years of neglect. Trygg reached for his polearm and poked the blade up into the ceiling until the metal broke the earth above. One quick turn of the blade was all it took as Trygg was able to free up the hole in the roof. After Trygg cleaned the mess from the pedestal, he could see that a small stream of snow had begun to drop through the hole above. He stood back as to admire the beautiful stream of snow as it flowed into the opened chest below. As the chest filled with snow, the crystal inside began to glow again. The glow was strange though, as the light was extremely bright and almost blinded Trygg. The room began to swirl with the wind as the snow whipped around the room in a strong funnel of wind that shoved the dwarf and his companion into the ground below King Titus' Coffin. Wind and snow tightened into a strong funnel, centered in on the glowing gemstone. The gemstone in the center of the room snapped like a bolt of lightning, and a powerful wave of energy blasted through the room that sent Trygg and Elina back near five more feet, followed by a disorientating flash of light. When Trygg and Elina are finally able to regain their sight, they are greeted by a figure who now stood on the other side of the room, unmoving and still as ice. Elina growled through her front teeth as she stared at the figure in front of them. It was a dwarf, or at least an apparition of one as this figure in front of Trygg was Blue and White like a winter storm and wreathed in a light glowing purple aura. Trygg stood up on his two feet and stared at the elemental apparition in front of him for a moment. "Hello?" Trygg said across the room. "I am Trygg Snowcloak, and I have questions that need answering." The frozen apparition reached out towards Elina, and a flash of blue shot out from its frozen hand. Elina let out a cry of pain as an icicle punctured her in the leg and ripped through her flesh. Trygg ran down to his injured companion, picked her up and cradled her body in his arms, he looked back at the frozen dwarf with cold eyes "Why would you do this?" The icy dwarven apparition reached behind its back slowly. It's cold hands clasped upon an object behind its back and as it raised its hand back up, a sizeable frozen blade followed. The frozen spirit then locked its purple eyes with Trygg and took a step forward, its frozen weapon in hand. Then an eerie and cold voice spoke out. "Pe notche pal" Link to The Dictionary of The Hidden Language of The Guardians Later Created by Alquin Geir five years after Trygg discovered the metal book of the guardians in the Eternal Halls.
First of all, for a long prose article, the font is a little hard on the eyes in the bright theme, especially on my computer. I would suggest that, only in the dark mode, you change the font. The color in the dark mode is also a little strange. You can go ahead and send me a PM through Discord if you need help altering the fonts or such.The semi-colon could probably be a colon as it is describing the aforementioned element. There does appear to be a lack of structure in the second sentence, meaning it's not worthy of a full semi-colon. You should probably put "after a few shoves" in commas. Making it an appositive would flow smoother This isn't a bad thing at all, but thoughts are generally not put in quotes as that signifies a verbal connection. You could try putting apostrophes around it instead of using some other tool like bold or italics to make it work, but if there is any other dialogue this may rise as a problem. Additionally, there should probably be some transition between "himself" and "staring". This sentence could work two ways. Remove the comma before "pounding" or add one between "heart" and "behind". It just flows a bit better that way. Interesting choice of onomatopoeia. Not what first comes to mind when you say "pounding heart". This feels a bit disjointed. "Trygg's crystal, called a light shard, had been fashioned into a lantern." This is a little weird based on the previous sentence. You never overly specify that he clenches his fist around the lantern, so it could be assumed he set the lantern down and simply stuck his fist forwards. I don't think that's what you're going for. This seems slightly off for some reason. A reordering may solve this "the Dwarven Statues, carved of stone, guarding the entrance" Not sure if obsidian is classified of stone, but I certainly don't think obsidian when you say stone. Perhaps working this in the first sentence and switching to black stone if obsidian is even a stone. This was weird. Semi-colors are really only meant to conjoin two independent clauses. This was a statement, specifically a name, and then a description when this could probably be more grammatically right in the case where you alter the sentence to be an actual sentence. A fair few things happen here. I can see from your writing you don't shy short of breaking the lines apart, but this paragraph in specific has so many ideas introduced that I can't help but feel the subject has to have changed somewhere where you should have broken your paragraph. I would also suggest looking into other forms of dialogue tags beyond a said followed by a colon. Doesn't really specify how she took him with her. What happened here? You suddenly switched tenses from past to present. That's a bit weird. It's happening constantly. "Slowly standing on two feet while holding his hips" is past and "he collects himself and stands upright" is present. You also mention he stands twice. Are you trying for past or present tense? I'm not going to point out all of these, but any time you use the suffix "ing" you need to be careful of helping verbs referring to past tense and "s" is present. A weird coalition that I'll ignore the rest of the article. I suggest extending this out a little bit, as the first sentence slightly runs on and you could easily fill it in with a few other adjectives. You need an apostrophe on chest's Etched doesn't need to be capitalized. Apostrophe on I've Don't capitalize "the" This "the" should be capitalized You say "this time" twice. You could try and change one to "Strangly, the light was far brighter than before." -- Sorry that these comments are up to my usual standard due to a lack of being able to really pull apart the grammar with the tense shifting throughout. However, I did find that the story was interesting and had a unique pull to it, though the ending was very curious as it really left without much information or other elements to the story. Beyond those things, nice work.
I appreciate the thorough critique of the article, every bit will help me grow! You have given me alot to think about and this will surely help me as I edit and fix mistakes!
Sure. If you need any help learning to understand the tense work I'm usually around for a little every day around this time.
Solid story, with some editing and fixes you could have a great entry! Keep up the good work!!
Thank you for the honest review, I know the article isn't perfect and I've got alot of improving if I want to be a better writer. Have to understand my flaws to grow, much appreciated.
Just don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to rack on you, but I try to be both blunt and honest with my feedback and how I feel when reading it. The most important thing is that you keep writing and keep getting useful critique from people. That's the only way to improve. You're already doing well and it can only get better from here.
No wrong by any means!! I'm very happy you felt comfortable giving me a real and honest review of how you perceived the story. Juts saying you did good wouldn't help me learn, so I thank you for your honest opinion. :)
I have to admit, you lost me about the time when Trygg started guessing at word meanings. I like your concept, though! If I could make one broad suggestion, as someone who has made this very same mistake, don't assume that someone coming in knows anything about your world. You kind of have to explain it in text or by inference. I guessed that Trygg was a dwarf because the imagery was very Moria, but I had no idea what kind of creature Elina was until I saw the linked article beneath. People coming to read this *might* be interested in going down the rabbit-hole of your world (chances are most Anvilites can be tempted I'm sure!) but not everyone will. I ran into a similar problem with your ending. I went to the dictionary to translate, and found that I couldn't. You can't search the dictionaries for two-letter words, so I have no idea what the first word means. The second was clear, but the third had several possible translations. I have no idea what was said, so I don't understand the ending. If you want some writing tips, I have a couple:Two things. One is that you have a lot of redundancy throughout the story, and this quote gives me an example. You should never say the same thing the same way twice, especially not in the same paragraph, unless you're consciously trying for poetic repetition. You don't need to say "little stream of snow" again in the second line. You could just say that Trygg "admired its beauty." The second is that you change tense frequently. If you start in past tense, you should stay there. Don't wobble in and out of present tense unless you're writing about a time paradox and the character is in the middle of it. ;) The third is that your last sentence in that paragraph is not a sentence. The syntax of English is subject-verb-object. These all have to be present for a sentence to be complete, usually in that order. What you're missing in the subject. Who or what is stepping back? You could just say "He stepped back" (remembering my advice about not changing tense,) or you could say, "Stepping back, he admired its beauty as crystal snowflakes fell onto the illuminated chest." (which both solves the subject problem and avoids the redundancy of the "little stream of snow.") Like I said, I do like your concept though! I really wish I understood more clearly what was happening here, because I clicked on some of the links and I am deeply curious.
I admit to some mild confusion - Trygg says he remembers being brought to the tombs as a child, but then you suggest the tomb had to be found again? Perhaps as an alternative, you could have embedded links in the article, like at the first mention of Trygg or Elina to the article about them and then the mouse over excerpt or snippet could tell us more. From the dictionary on the language page, I'm guessing the final line of the story was "Prove your worth/You [will/must] prove [you are] worthy." I was just as guilty of leaving out things I knew about my world that I'd not said or implied to my readers, so I'm not going to bring up every potentially unexplained things, though I do agree that the line about feeling his heart behind his eyes read as an odd statement (segment? I may not be entirely awake enough to wordsmith my words well). I enjoyed the article, and look forward to seeing how it develops in the future!
The improvement of the tense is immediately apparent upon rereading the article. This makes it a lot more interesting and smooth to read. Great job on that. I did find a few other things that could be worked upon. Sidenote, sorry my advice trails off toward the end again. It was getting late and I really wanted to leave the comment, as well as getting back into the flow of your story.This is something that I mentioned before. This time, the comma would be better suited as a colon as the additional information is located in such a way that a colon would fit a bit better into the grammar of the article. This seems to really run on. "No one had ventured into the crypts for years, the occupants having faded from memory, leaving the once-beloved tomb of remembering to fall to dust." The layers of information just seem to be too much as the "relatives no longer remember the deeds of their ancestors" is repetitive. Something I mentioned before, but still seems a little wierd. There should be a comma after "and". If I were to strip this sentence it would read as the following: "Trygg placed his shoulders into the black doors, managed to thrust the door open, as he did a rush of stale air escaped from the crypt and slapped him in the face." This just doesn't work. "Trygg placed his shoulders into the black doors and, after a few shoves, managed to thrust the door opened; as he did, a rush of stale air escaped from the crypt slapped him in the face." There was also the problem of the sentence being two independent clauses without the proper weaving together. The order of events here is a little weird to me. You have two options: "As he fought the adrenaline into submission, Trygg shoved his face into his hands and rubbed vigorously" or "Trygg shoved his face into his hands and rubbed vigorously, fighting the adrenaline into submission." These flow a bit smoother. This makes no sense. Perhaps this is what you were going for: "After he composed himself, he reached down and unsnapped a small buckle on his belt, freeing a crystal hung on a curved handle." Your comma usage is a little weird, in a repeating occurrence. Remove the comma and say something like "guarding the entrance" to be a little more active. Small thing, but I'm going to mention that it is a little weird that you mostly refer to Trygg as "the dwarf" but you rarely do this elsewhere. You need an "and" before "asked". You seem to have a typo here. (Likely on visible on the view side). Minor problems here in that you switch between description and your character a few times. This would read better if you were to only switch once, easily fixed with a few reworkings. A few too many actions here as you have two things happening at once, which would be better suited to two sentences. Again. Sorry, this trailed off at the ending, but there were fewer things to notice. Great work with fixing your tense shifting.
Thank you again for the amazing comment on my article!! Im glad I was able to work through and correct alot of my biggest errors, thank you for taking the time to point them out for me!!!
M H Biscup
Necromancy is a Wholesome Science.
I will take some time today to go over that sentence, thank you for pointing that out!!! Im glad you enjoyed the story!! Yes, he is for sure going to need all the luck he can get ahah.