Ballad of Thalbin Hornwood

The Ballad of Thalbin Hornwood is an old legend told in Copan Shire about the enterprising rendercoon rancher, Thalbin Hornwood. This tale as told through song, is quite common in Copan Shire taverns. It’s one of their more popular drinking songs that survives the generations relatively intact with few alterations.
The legend concerns itself with the historical figure of Thalbin Hornwood, the first ever rendercoon rancher, and how his inventiveness proved the undoing of thieves. It’s considered a testament to Copan Shire inventiveness and a lesson on improvising in a bad situation.

History of the Ballad

No evidence supports Thalbin and his escapades. However, he had earned renowned as a pirate quartermaster. According to legend, it was his knack for engineering devices ‘on the fly’ that saved more than one life aboard ship during a battle.
After putting aside the pirate's life, Thalbin earned another reputation as a brilliant inventor. Many of his notebooks are still studied in Copan Shire, where the contents yield new innovative devices he never made public.
Oddly enough, during the time a band of Orisnuc raiders plagued the northern Copan Shire area, Thalbin’s farm was the only one left untouched. This gives some fuel that perhaps some of the ballad may be true.
Oh, by the ancestors … you’re going to sing it, aren’t you?
— Kavi ot’Maninga Sukir Arroweye, Orisnuc scoutmaster from KaraKorum
Well, yes! It’s one of the best ways to recount a legend!
— Stefanos Vel-Barboza, Seskyalii skald alchemist
I need something stronger to drink
— Kavi ot’Maninga Sukir Arroweye, eyeing his cup
Thalbin Hornwood got up one brisk and rainy day,
When on the hill he heard a noise a half a mile away.
A pack of thieves had found the rum and had made their getaway.
Orisnuc raiders one and all, they thought him easy prey...
  Those raiders tore off cheering, happy at their find.
That rum, a special brand, had long been on their mind.
A hefty sum, they could charge, a mighty coin they’d turn.
If only they could have known, what trouble they would earn.
  Yippie kai ay!
Yippie kai o!
Thieves on the run...
  Now here old Thalbin wouldn’t take this off'ense lyin’ down,
A salty pirate he once was, no better to be foun’
But to raid the raiders, he’d need crew, as loyal as they come,
All he had was his old farm, and squads of rendercoons.
  Yippie kai ay!
Yippie kai oh!
Rendercoons on the run
  Faces slack, eyes all blurred, their minds still chasin' sheep,
Them raiders gasped at what shrill sound woke them from their sleep.
A shrieking hell of fur and claws came tearing through the skies!
Squads of rendercoon did fall, among lamenting cries…
  Yippie kai ay!
Yippie kai oh!
Rendercoons in the sky
  For old Thalbin was a pirate, back in the old days,
A quartermaster he had been and wily in his ways.
So a catapult he did make to launch them coons aloft
To teach them thieves a lesson at who they just had crossed.
  Of all the coons that flew, not one was fraught with fear,
Teeth and fur a flyin', tentacles brought to bear!
For it wasn't Thalbin's goods, the thieves had stole that day,
But the rendercoon’s fav’rite rum,
And so the thieves would pay...
  Yippie kai ay!
Yippie kai oh!
Irate rendercoons in the sky
  Now let this be a lesson, to all those that do hear
It’s not a critter, thief or fiend that you should always fear!
But halfling pirates with a grudge, as hot as hell to bear,
Crafting up a catapult,
Sending rendercoons through the air...
  Yippie kai ay!
Yippie kai oh!
Rendercoons in the sky
Rendercoons sometimes fly
You know that doesn't entirely rhyme. And really, this from you, whose sister bit one of things after it bit her.
— Kavi ot’Maninga Sukir Arroweye, Orisnuc scoutmaster from KaraKorum
True, but I don't think its supposed to fully rhyme. And in my sister's defense, Antea was having a bad day…
— Stefanos Vel-Barboza, Seskyalii skald alchemist
Related Ethnicities
Related Species

Author's Note: This is inspired by the Rendercoon article, one particular player’s take on a Copan Shire halfling, a Johnny Cash song, and a little too much coffee.

Cover image: by CB Ash


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21 Dec, 2020 04:33

This is a national treasure.   Thank you for the laugh!

Author of Fillimet, bright fantasy land of possibilities, and Vazdimet, its darker spacefaring future.
21 Dec, 2020 12:33

You're welcome! It was a delight to create imagining a pub full of halflings singing, slamming mugs on tables and all! :D

— The wolf of Tales of Justice, Creator of Legends of Elohey, Star Wars: Shards, Fiven Chronicles and more!
26 Dec, 2020 07:08

That ballad was fun to read, fully rhymed or not. :)

26 Dec, 2020 12:34

Thank you! It was an absolute delight writing it. I was singing it for about a day later after I wrote it! :D

— The wolf of Tales of Justice, Creator of Legends of Elohey, Star Wars: Shards, Fiven Chronicles and more!
11 Jan, 2021 15:47

This remains an insanely fun to read ballad, an absolute delight. That Thalbin Hornwood man sounds like a really fun guy, though definitely not one I'd like to mess with. I wonder if there are any other tales of his exploits, such as what he did in his times as a pirate ^^

Author of Interarcanum and the Shakiraverse

Feel free to check out my latest work!
11 Jan, 2021 17:33

Thank you! And more tales of Thalbin Hornwood's exploits? Why, certainly! :D

— The wolf of Tales of Justice, Creator of Legends of Elohey, Star Wars: Shards, Fiven Chronicles and more!