The Salty Maid

I once knew a lass from Teontia fair
She had blonde teeth and quite pretty hair
I would take her aside and kiss her all day
Though she would play coy and bat me away
(Optional Echo Chorus: Though She would play coy and bat him away)

Then one day tragedy struck
For that's the only song I can sing
A man came up out of the blue
And offered her a ring!
(Optional Echo Chorus: And offered her a Riiiing!)

So I withdrew my claim and left right quick
Curs'd him his life and a weeping dick
I never went back so long as I lived
Though I honestly couldn't give a shit (sung with a laugh)
(Optional Echo Chorus: Though He honestly couldn't give a shit!)

This is a short and bawdy tavern tune that is most often sung by very drunk people, because 1. It's not very well written and 2. The story is only compelling to one with an extremely active (read: "Impaired") imagination.
Can swap any city's name so long as it's simple enough.