Noah Smith
Noah Florida-Man Smith (a.k.a. Florida-Man)
He was born in Florida. Yeah it's gonna get funky.
Physical Description
General Physical Condition
Underweight. Keeps salting 'n' crushing up the dried ration bars and puttin' them up his nose.
Body Features
Scars 'n' tats. Most tats be o' cartoony characters.
Facial Features
OH IT'S BEAUTIFUL IT LOOKS LIKE THE RESULT OF AN ALREADY HIDEOUS CHILD BEING PUNCHED TO THE BRINK OF DEATH EVERY DAY
Identifying Characteristics
You know him when you see him.
Physical quirks
Can bend his elbows backwards.
Specialized Equipment
Nuclear suicide bomb backpack. The others only found out it was a nuclear suicide bomb in there when he revealed it after the loss of his leg and gave them 10 minutes to get the hell outta there. They were gone in 3.
Mental characteristics
Personal history
He was born in Florida to extremely stupid parents. They seriously thought putting bbq sauce in there as well would stop her from getting pregnant. I don't know why they thought this. They just did.
And so, he and his identical evil twin brother Nooah grew up, getting up to all sorts of shenanigans. That was 'till Nooah gone too far by tryna kill a puppy when they was 13. The 'nvestigation by local servi-ices got 'em 'n' their li'l' siblin's put in sep-rat fosta carin's.
Holy Florida I love writing like this get ready to have a stroke trying to read even more of my crap in this style you children of mother****ers.
M'kay buckaroni so Noah don' grow up in foster carin' until his evil twinny-boi don' show up - sumthin' Noah weren't no fan of, 'specially when kids started goin' missin'. A line got crossed wi' da disappearance of Noah's attack squirrel, which he had to sell a baby to a McDonalds for (no worries it twas a hostage situation so that lil baby gon' got returned to its family). Noah dun' some 'vestigatin' in which he discovered his evil twin's secret evil lair.
In this 'ere evil lair of e'ilness Nooah had himself some captives, the attack squirrel right there among them. Noah and Nooah gon' don' 'ad a fight to the death usin' various makeshift tools and happenin' a' o'er that darn lair. Noah was 'bout to get dun in 'til 'e released that 'ttack squirrel an' it helped 'im take ou' that darn nasty e'il twin.
Noah then gon' joined that good ol' US military, thinkin' 'e was joinin' the poh-leece an' woul' 'et to steal drugs, an', 'efore 'e was un'er the realization that 'e was in the ol' army, 'e gon' got yeeted into the ol' The Early Early Human-Goner War: the 1st Invasion., 'specially the first baddle where he gon' whooped Goner butt while 'eryone else was gettin' whooped.
'E gon' teamed up with Inyoni an' General Aramis to wear down 'em Goners and snatch their goodies. 'E got a buncha burns refusin' to take cover an' confusin' Goners before yelling "FLOREDA FEREVAH" as 'e suicide bombed 'em with a nuke under the false belief that he had lung cancer due to 'is refusal to wear sum ol' radiation suit. 'Is 'tack squirrel lived on.
Sexuality
Asexual
Education
Didn' do too well with 'is school. Dropped out to raise his attack squirrel.
Employment
Soldier... thinkin' 'e was a cop the 'tire time.
Accomplishments & Achievements
'E's dun all sorts ah stuff.
Mental Trauma
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Intellectual Characteristics
Ain't got too much on the brainy bits due to some overuse o' certain substances. And his sperm being covered in bbq sauce.
Personality Characteristics
Motivation
"My reasons are beyond your understanding" - Noah, after his words were translated from Floridian.
Savvies & Ineptitudes
When it comes to combat he just does everything so wrong that it ends up going right. It's incredible. How does it even work?
Likes & Dislikes
Hates the police... which he thought he was joini- okay what the hell even is this man?
Virtues & Personality perks
Sticks to his guns. Literally. He superglued magnetic shotguns to his legs and made a string system so he could fire them with his pinkies. Goners were right to be terrified.
Vices & Personality flaws
It's just... he's beyond logic. It's incredible.
Personality Quirks
*whips out mile-long roll of paper containing all the things which are weird about this beautiful specimen* his toe twitches more the more relaxed he is. It's usually basically a mini vibrator.
Hygiene
"Showars? Soun's like a myth like meth havin' side affects"
Social
Religious Views
Christian. Doesn't really line up with any particular covenant. Also thinks the world is flat.
Social Aptitude
Varies between repulsive and unintentionally the ultimate in charisma.
Hobbies & Pets
Has a pet attack squirrel that's very good at going through the gaps in Goner armour and biting out their eyes.
Speech
Florida had a baby with Texas.
Wealth & Financial state
Inherited 2 million from his grandmother, who worked in the production of adult movies and used the money in the stocks market, but gave it all to WWF after finding out pandas are endangered.
Current Location
Honorary & Occupational Titles
King, Queen, Sir, Knight, Master, Chief, Warmaster, Pope, etc. All are self-endowed.
Life
2007 CurlyWurly
2031 CurlyWurly
24 years old
Circumstances of Birth
"Don' worry hunny if we put bbq sauce in there as well ya won't get no preggos"... Floridans reading this will know there are people like this there... or be the people like this.
Circumstances of Death
NUCLEAR SUICIDE BOMBING WHILE COVERED IN PERMANENT BURN MARKS FROM PREVIOUS BATTLES OH THE MADLAD
Birthplace
FLORIDA
Children
Current Residence
Some of him in Chad, some of him in Cameroon, a few drops of him in Nigeria.
Gender
Male
Eyes
Mismatching green and blue.
Hair
Blonde with some grey. Some of it was scorched black.
Skin Tone/Pigmentation
Tanned white... much redder after getting all those burns.
Height
6'1
Weight
79 kg
Quotes & Catchphrases
"Yer dun goofidi ducked upwards now buckeroni" *whips out tactical axe and flash grenade*
Aligned Organization
Other Affiliations
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Comments