The Legend of Dunmer Butterbelly

Written by Bryan David Sage

’Twas a fine time to take a leak. When Bartin Butterbelly took his three sons exploring into (what was then) the deeper section of the mines of Kuordain looking for veins of gold and silver, they stumbled across a natural granite chamber. Within, veins of quartz as wide as Bartin’s beard was long and laden with gold, so the legend goes.
Bartin decided to chip some talus from the surrounding wall to bring back as proof to his dwarven clan chiefs, thinking perhaps they would graciously grant the Butterbellys a rightful claim to this new rich territory. A claim that just might bestow honor upon the family name. It is unknown whether Bartin and his sons didn’t smell the foul air emanating from a small crack in the chamber floor, or merely dismissed it in favor of their fortuitous find.
Nonetheless, he sent his youngest, Dunmer, back out to the tunnel for a pick and shovel. And while he was gone, the lad decided he had to take a leak. It was about this time Bartin grew impatient and yelled for the boy to hurry it up, for they had glad tidings to bring to the clan chiefs. O how the bards would sing of this day! But when you gotta go, you gotta go, and Dunmer had been holding it all morning. So he had to go.
What was the hurry anyways, he thought, as the pitter patter of dwarf piss tinkled throughout the tunnel.
Well, while Bartin and his other sons awaited Dunmer’s return, the old grump decided they should celebrate and have a smoke.

Boom!

The chamber exploded into a gout of flame that roared its way out into the tunnel and lit Dunmer’s young beard afire. And just like that Dunmer Butterbelly was the last of his line; and beardless to boot.
But the young Dwarf’s grief was so great that he knew he could no longer live in Kuordain nor claim his legacy. So he took his family’s meager fortune, leaving his ancestral home and his kin forever.
Dunmer set out to see the world, to lead a life of adventure like the renowned dwarven heroes of old. He wandered to and fro for many years. He danced with the faeries, drank with the centaurs, sailed upon the sea, and even fought alongside the knights.
It was during his time with the knights of Hawkhaven Castle that Dunmer single-handedly (well, almost) slew the mighty Telaxis, the infamous red dragon of Mount Hobblecob in the Fetter Range (at least Hobblecob is what the gnomes called it and they should know, what, living at the foot of it all).
Legend says that when the Hawkhaven Knights readied their weapons and gathered their courage to storm the dragon’s lair, Dunmer had politely excused himself to step behind a rather large boulder and have a leak (’tis true that Dunmer was quite the leaky fellow). Not one of the knights had heard the dwarf’s call for nature and they charged into the lair of Telaxis without him.
And as Dunmer was contemplating the musical connotations of the pitter patter of dwarf piss on a granite boulder,

Boom!

A torrent of flame erupted from the lair entrance singeing Dunmer’s beard for the second time in his life.
Realizing his companions might be in trouble, Dunmer charged into the dragon’s lair. He was too late, only arriving in the nick of time to see the last of the knights swallowed whole by the nefarious Telaxis. But the battle had taken its toll on the ancient red dragon and Telaxis suffered many wounds.
"Glory to the Butterbellys!" Dunmer bellowed, drawing his father’s battle hammer.
And with a mighty heave, he flung it toward the dragon who was about to unleash another blast of fiery breath to roast the hapless Dwarf.
The weapon flew true and just as Telaxis gaped open its toothy maw, the spinning hammer went right in the dragon’s throat, bursting out the back of its skull before returning to Dunmer’s hand. He wound and cocked for another throw, but the beast was finished. The ancient dragon fell in a heap in front of the battle-maddened dwarf, gasping out its final breath.
The mighty Telaxis had been slain, truly, but so had every one of the knights, and Dunmer knew the weight of ill tidings was his to bear on the journey back to Hawkhaven Castle. But the Dwarf also knew that dragons covet treasure and, perhaps, a hoard might lie deeper into the lair.
He searched here and there, but did not find a mountain of gold, no. Nor did he discover a cache of rare gems, like in the stories of old. No, not poor Dunmer Butterbelly. Not even a single coin! But what he did find was rare indeed. A book! In fact, a whole library full of books! The like of which had not been seen since the ancient days before the Seeker Wars.
Though he could not read, Dunmer grabbed the first book he found, an ornate leather bound affair sitting atop a time-worn white marble pedestal. And when he opened this book a curious strange stick fell out from between the pages.
Thinking nothing of it at the time, Dunmer grabbed the book, and the stick, and all the medallions of the fallen knights, stuffed them in his satchel, and returned to Hawkhaven Castle where he spent the rest of his days. It is said the lair of Telaxis still holds the ancient library, though what guards it now is unknown.