Poltergeist Park

At Poltergeist Park, you're gonna piss your pants. We guarantee it.
  This once adored attraction has been transformed into a destination of dread. Now, the former family-friendly theme park is haunted by a pampered poltergeist. Bring the whole family (if you dare) for a terrifying time!

Home of Haunts

In the terrifying trails of Poltergeist Park, one will find that every game, ride, and meal* is haunted. Our resident poltergeist, one Harold Maxwell, has had his spirit bound to this place for all eternity. Don't worry about it, he loves it. No matter where you go inside the park, you'll find Maxwell's influence. The once bright and cheery attractions have become chipped and faded— not necessarily due to his influence, moreso because it's spookier if we don't maintain them.   The former heir to the Maxwell empire, having had the traumatic childhood as one raised in luxury, projects his frightening fears on everything he touches. Skeptical? Do you believe yourself to be too hardened for these horrors? If you don't believe us, believe our customers!  
"There sure was a ghost."
  "I was so scared I destroyed my designer denim jeans."
  "I was too terrified to go in myself, so I hired a local urchin to go in for me. He never came back."
  "Some rich idiot paid me to go in for her, I bought a hot dog and then left."
— Guest testimonials
  *Legally we must specify that none of our food nor drink is actually haunted.**
**As far as we are legally aware.
Poltergeist Park
Face your fears in Transylvania, Wisconsin.
Spook St., Milwaukee   Open from...
Mon-Fri 8AM - 8PM
Sat-Sun 10AM - 10PM   Closed for Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Harold Maxwell's birthday.  

Spooky Sights

Just like the once joyful theme park that operated on these grounds, Poltergeist Park is host to myriad attractions— each more fightening than the last (depending on which order you visit them in). Our most popular attraction is the Tunnel of Terror— a mortifying dark ride that takes guests through their worst nightmares. In the darkness, you'll be confronted with a dreadful deluge of terror; the wails of those weeping for wealth, the ire of the IRS, or having to do the dishes with your patrician palms.   One of our other famously frightening attractions is the Revenant Rollercoaster— which takes you to horrifying heights at scary speeds. A short distance away awaits the Tower of Taxation, where guests will be dropped into the dreadful depths of poverty at the hands of the greedy government. In the hall of mirrors, you'll see yourself twisted and transformed— your designer duds now clearance clothes. And of course, who could forget the spike pit? Here at Poltergeist Park, a new horror awaits around every corner.  

Harold's Horror

Unlucky guests may find themselves face to frightful face with the spooky specter of Harold Maxwell himself. The spirit will do his best to instill fear into all our guests. He may take the form of your worst fears— such as a stranger on the bus who wants to make small talk! Or, worse yet— the vagabond visage of the needy! Harold may also whisper terrifying tales that send shivers down your spine.  
Psst, your fly's undone.
— Harold Maxwell

Creepy Cafe

Have you vomited the remains of your last vittles? In need of something to bring you back to life? Look no further than our very own Creepy Cafe!   Here, you can find dreadfully delicious goods such as our ghoulish goulash, crawly cookies, tax tarts, and our poor pastries!

Viability Report

Number of Incidents: 1
Threat Level: Peppermint
  I see no reason not to continue operation of Poltergeist Park, all "incidents"— and I use that term lightly— are fairly innocuous and have little to no impact on anyone whatsoever. Incident Logs for A-39
Incident #39-1
Date: 2013/04/13
Location: Revenant Rollercoaster
Civilians involved: Woman 1
  An affluent young woman climbed aboard the Revenant Rollercoaster, and expired of a heart attack mere moments into the ride. This is especially baffling considering that the coaster, despite the hype, only reaches a max height of 20ft, and a max speed of 5mph. Marketing will have a field day with this, I'm sure.  
  Audio log #39-1
  Harold: I cannot believe they'd do this to me! They didn't even sell the land— they donated it!   Dr. Royce: But this was decades ago— why haven't you moved on? Why stay in your family's former park?   (pause)   Harold: My spirit is completely composed of seething rage.   Note: Despite, by our metrics, being completely cabable of moving on to the afterlife— A-39 refuses to move on. It is unlikely that this operation will be jeopardized by his departure anytime soon.
  -End Logs-  

Viability: Fantastic

It is in my opinion that this attraction continue operation as normal.
— Bwanbale ████, Viability Reviewer


Please Login in order to comment!
6 Jan, 2022 00:56

Just WOW.. ok that opening line? Just Love. It.!!! :D

Sage Timepool
Garrett Grace Lewis
6 Jan, 2022 01:29

Thank you! The opening was first said as a joke and...had to stick— like many things in APRA.

6 Jan, 2022 01:41

Oh, it is just GOLD! :D

13 Jan, 2022 16:15

I love the testimonials, in particular 3 & 4 - so profoundly human. Also, the overall styling of the article is really pleasant to read, from color scheme to layout .

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