Boring Park

Let's be honest, you have nothing better to do.
Bored? Not bored? Doesn't matter, once you step inside our dull park you will be. And that's a guarantee.  

It'll Put You to Sleep

Does it really matter what attractions we have? Regardless of what you'll find here, it'll be boring enough to put you to sleep. No, we do not provide spaces for sleeping, either. Our staff will halfheartedly shake you awake, should you fall asleep on the premises. If any staff member falls asleep, leave them be— not that they'd get angry with you, just mildly annoyed.  

Middling Reviews

"Meh."
  "I don't remember anything about my visit."
  "It finally put my kids to sleep."
— Real guest testimonials
 
From what I understand, the last site director died staring at a wall? A pipe burst the other week, after someone went mad and attacked another coworker? How on earth could this be a boring job?
— Alek ██████, site director
Boring Park
 
If you want to be bored out of your mind, find us in the middle of Yakutsk, Russia.   You won't need the address, you'll find us if you're bored enough.  
  Open from: Honestly it doesn't matter.
 

Whatever

Honestly we don't really care what you do in our park. It's all boring. If anyone were to die here, it would be of boredom. On the west side of the park you can watch paint dry, in the east you can go pound sand, in the north you can stare wistfully at the other, more exciting, more expensive park across the street. And in the south? Nothing. It's too boring. You won't need a map, the entire park is an open square.
 

A Dull History

The park was founded in 1908 by a banker who wanted nothing more than to share their boredom with the world, and hopefully quit their job along the way. It wasn't a successful venture, but it didn't bankrupt them, either. Upon their death, seeing as none of their family wanted the property— it simply went to the bank. The bank, finding the land itself too boring to develop, simply tricked their next customer into claiming ownership of it. Ever since, it has changed hands via trickery— being far too dull a space for anyone to desire.

Gift Shop

Our gift shop is just a gas station. If you want a t-shirt, we have plain grey ones. Our postcards are blank white.   Stop by if you're hungry, maybe.
 

Viability Report

Number of Incidents: 7
Threat Level: Gum Wrapper
Anyone I sent to investigate the park came back and simply shrugged at me. So, I shall do the same when you ask "is this still a viable park?"   Experiment Logs for A-427
Experiment #427-3
Date: 2007//15
Head researcher: Dr. Addams
Subject: Lemming
Description: Subject was locked alone in the area with adequate means for survival. The area was unlocked after 24 hours.
Result: Subject was foundjwjiryooggggggggggggggggggggggghooooooooooooo4
Notes: Dr. Addams fell asleep writing this report, and could not remain awake on subsequent attempts.
 
  Experiment #427-5
Date: 2010/5/5
Head researcher: Dr. Addams
Subject: 2 Lemmings, referred to below as L1 and L2
Description: L1 and L2 were lead into the area, given a gun, and told to fight one another.
Result: L2 managed to grab the gun before L1, killing them— on-site observers agreed that this was incredibly boring.
Notes: It would appear that no matter what happens in the area, those observing it will find it absolutely dull.
 
 

Viability: Fair

It is in my opinion that this attraction continue operating, so long as I never set foot near it.
— Bwanbale ███, Viability Reviewer


Comments

Author's Notes

Feedback is very much welcome! Whether on the content, or the formatting! Please, point out typos if you spot any!


Please Login in order to comment!
1 Apr, 2021 18:32

A short, yet highly entertaining and very fun artilce to read. Great job Timepool :D   I especially like the fact that while a place that makes everything seem boring doesn't sound all that dangerous at first, it becomes quite a lot more sinister and creepy the longer I think about it.   I mean just how strong have the mind-altering properties of the place to be to suppress any strong emotional response to someone getting shot right in front of you?

Author of Cenorad ; a bleak-dark sandbox of creativity.
Sage Timepool
Garrett Lewis
1 Apr, 2021 23:22

Thank you! It'd have to be incredibly strong to pull that off, for sure.

Sage Serukis
Dr Emily Vair-Turnbull
5 Apr, 2021 13:34

This article has a much more sinister tone than I expected from the offset. Wow.

Emy x   Welcome to Etrea! Please check out my peculiar plants entry! :)
Sage Timepool
Garrett Lewis
5 Apr, 2021 16:42

Was it less boring than expected?

10 Apr, 2021 18:24

Even the font choice for this article is perfect: Long, thin, compressed together but still effortless to read. "Boring until one starts thinking about it" indeed!

Sage Timepool
Garrett Lewis
10 Apr, 2021 21:31

Thank you! The font was already here before the article though, lol, glad it helped it!

Powered by World Anvil