i'm waiting

so now i’m in the tiny bathroom of the Gay Crisis RV trying to decide whether or not to put my contacts back in. Trying to decide if revealing my eyes would be a power move or a completely shitty idea.
Maybe both.
Had a talk with Aaron, told him he wasn’t fine. He insisted he was, that he was the happy one, he had to be fine because the rest of us had bigger issues and i was dealing with some sort of deities and his issues werent that bad really. i didnt believe any of his shit and i told him as much. he misses nathan a lot.
sunny seems determined to fix everything between me and tina. i told her to chill but she didn’t seem to take the hint. she’s well-meaning and all but i think shes making our...thing...more of a big deal than it has to be.
still havent talked to zak. zakashriel. wonder if he knows i know his name. probably. he and luka seem pretty close in a loathing sort of way.
i wonder if he’s lonely.
luka made it sound as though zak couldn’t visit anyone’s dreams without giving them nightmares but last time i saw him we were just at the bottom of the ocean where i’ve been before. maybe because i’m different if that’s the word. different. doesn’t even say the half of it.
anyway he can bother me if he wants as long as he leaves my friends alone. maybe we could play checkers.
maybe i’ll ask.
still have 100 bucks left. wanted to see if i could buy a focus but thats not enough now that i spent the other half on ink. a glove would be pretty cool. maybe i’ll afford one a few months after i get back.
not that i even need to say it but i miss honeybunches.
and i miss her.
 
every time it comes back around.
anyway. that’s all i have to say for now. hopefully mr walande won’t see straight through my illusion or whatever because then hell just get a picture of me dabbing and the cross hatching on it was kinda shitty so im not sure i want anyone seeing that.
 
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counselor walande warned me about them.
i don’t know what to think.
 
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Is he different?
It would explain the seeming lack of concern for my safety sometimes. I remember when we were in the woods outside camp jaymore and he kept going on about his pizza. he said something along the lines of not to mistake his detachment for indifference i dont remember how he said it.
can’t deal with the screams. can’t deal
aaron’s using the mirror to scry on the ones they took and i can’t look anymore i just need to get them out of there, funny how it didnt feel like the end of the world until i started drowning every night but now it’s real and the moment we find the entrance i am going to bust in on my motorcycle and calling R a fuckface was fun but it didn’t do a thing.
i’m waiting.
i’m waiting