Winter 4987, 27 Ginmoth

He was so very tired, but his head wouldn't stop spinning. Shon entered the chapel with an audible sigh and made his way to the central altar. Staring up at the image of Hengist, he didn't even know where to begin. No matter how soothing he found the chapel to be, without taking his Oath, he had no way of knowing what the god thought of his internal torment. 

Master Veon-Zih told him he should wait, and what other choice did he have? The self-critical part of his brain told him that he was making a big deal out of nothing, that Lily had even said she was just curious. Well, now she knew, and there was no reason why she would want to kiss him again... Or take it further... She hadn't even brought it up at breakfast.

What do I do... Shon prayed.

"Squire?" The Cleric's kindly voice floated through the incense, and Shon squeezed his eyes shut. The man would probably want to counsel him, that was his job after all, his calling. But Shon couldn't tell him. He wasn't supposed to even have these feelings. He was supposed to be training, focusing on his communion with Hengist. Every other relationship was secondary. 

"You're troubled." the Cleric stated, moving to stand in front of Shon and offer the standard blessing. 

"I'm tired," Shon mumbled in answer, and the Cleric actually chuckled,

"That too," He rested a comforting hand on Shon's shoulder with only a slight flinch and continued, "You know that even we can't receive direct messages from the gods, that all we're given are feelings and flashes of intuition?" Shon opened his eyes to study the smiling Cleric, unsure where the man was going with this. "Well," the Cleric continued, "I don't know what's troubling you, and I won't ask, but I will tell you this, Hengist knows, and he isn't troubled by it. What is meant to be will be, you need to have faith."

"I..." Shon started, glancing from the Cleric back to the statue of Hengist. 

The Cleric continued at Shon's hesitation, "I know you have faith in him, Squire. That's why you're here and not sleeping. My message to you, from him, is to have faith in yourself and those around you. What will be will be." 

He let his hand slide off Shon's shoulder and clenched it into a fist but resisted rubbing his palm on his robes to warm it. Shon was grateful for the gesture. "Get some sleep. If you are still distressed after, then come back and pray with a clear mind and open heart. Hengist will always be here for you."

Shon nodded and added verbally, "Thank you, sir," then looked to Hengist again, extending the thanks there as well.

***

“Are you sure about this?” Veon-Zih asked as he paced within his guest room in the fortress. Velona watched from his bed, leaning back and enjoying the way his muscles shifted under his skin, still damp from a shower. She knew she couldn’t have him, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t watch. And remember. 

“I am. She is a willing and surprisingly passionate student, though her obedience has yet to be determined." the Master Monk smiled. She had a feeling Lily would be a bit more of a handful for her than Shon was for Veon-Zih in that regard, "This way, neither of us will be alone.” Velona tried to assure him.

“But the Warlocks… what if they come looking for her?”

Velona shrugged, “And what if draken slit our throats while we sleep? She won’t go back, and I’m going on pilgrimage anyway. This way, we'll be on the move, and I can keep General Rasnah apprised of our location and status.”

“Draken would never catch you unawares,” Veon-Zih said as if that should be common knowledge. Sitting next to her and heedless of his lack of shirt, he rubbed his hand over his freshly shaved head and down to his neck with a sigh, "She said she left a letter, but your niece said there wasn't one..."

Velona hummed. She'd noticed that too, but said, "Perhaps it was lost in the chaos of looking for her." 

"Perhaps..." Veon-Zih echoed. “When do you leave?” he asked.

He wasn’t going to try and convince her to change her mind. Veon-Zih knew her strength and trusted her. Velona gave in to the urge to lean over and rest her head on his shoulder. He stiffened immediately, but she just sighed, “Tomorrow. The Squires resume their training, and there really isn’t a good reason to put it off.” she snickered, “Lily is so excited. I’m surprised she didn’t rush right out the gates after I offered.”

“She’ll want to say goodbye to the boys…” Veon-Zih swallowed, “Velona, I…”

“I know.” she stood and moved to the door without looking at him, “It's okay, Master Veon-Zih.” She opened the door but couldn’t resist looking over her shoulder at him, “It was fun while it lasted, and there’s no vow against friendly touching. Don’t read too much into it.” She left Veon-Zih alone in his room. She had a list to make and a journey to start in the morning, but before that was lunch.

***

Shon didn’t come to lunch that afternoon. Veon-Zih assured Lily that he was sleeping, so she resisted pouting too much. She wanted Shon to be the first she told about her impending journey across the entire kingdom, but she also didn’t want to wake him.

Her excitement practically radiated from her skin -even more powerfully than her heat. The other Squires all stared at her as she hummed happily through lunch at their pulled-together tables. Only Thom didn't look at her.

She’d almost made it the entire meal when Rerves finally asked, “Okay, what’s up, Lily?” She grinned at him but said nothing.

“You’ve been dancing in your seat all lunch,” Baradin clarified.

“You look…” Kefir started,

“Radiant,” Zihler finished for him.

“Excited,” Rehlien said instead. Thom just blushed and poked at his plate.

Lily covered her smile with her hands before dropping them and blurting out, “I’m going to travel the kingdom! The entire kingdom! Master Velona is taking me on pilgrimage with her!” their jaws dropped and she beamed around at them, “I’m going to study the quarterstaff with her and go to every province! And I don’t even have to shave my head!”

“All the provinces?” Baradin finally managed to ask.

“Even Horsa provinces?” Zihler muttered, exchanging looks with the others.

Lily just rolled her eyes and nodded. Silly Hengist boys.

Rerves cleared his throat, “Just… just you two?” she nodded again.

Rehlien actually reached across the table to rest his hand on hers though only for a brief pat, “That's really dangerous, Lily. Are you sure?”

Lily’s smile vanished. She glared around the tables at the worried faces of her friends, “Don’t you dare start this again…” she growled at them, “I’m going to be traveling with a Master Monk. It’s a tradition for them. Hundreds have done it before.”

“Yeah, but-” Kefir started.

“No buts!” Lily shouted, standing, “I love you. All of you. Why can’t you just be happy for me? Did you think I was lying when I said I was going to go on my own before? I thought you would be glad that I have someone strong with me to watch my back. None of you could even raise a finger to Master Velona.”

A single long bell sounded the hour and end of lunch, and the boys still hadn’t said anything. Finally, Thom spoke up, “Have you told Shon yet?”

“I’m going to right now. At least he'll know how safe I’ll be with a Master Monk.” she jerked her plate off the table and turned fast enough that her fork flew off of it. Catching it out of the air, she stomped to drop it off and headed out without a second glance.

She stormed all the way up the three flights of stairs but hesitated outside the Squire’s barracks. Would Shon react the same way? He knew she wanted to travel, that seeing the kingdom would be a dream come true… But… She shook her head violently and slapped her cheeks. There was only one way to find out.

Lily marched down the barracks hall. One of the first-year Squires opened his door, a towel wrapped around his waist, and scurried back into his room as she passed. Stopping at Shon's door, Lily took a deep breath and knocked.

***

As first bell rang out the end of lunch, Shon rolled off his bed. He wasn't used to sleeping in the middle of the day, so all he could manage was a nap. It would be enough to get him through to the evening, but he still wasn't sure he wanted to leave his room just yet. 

He didn't even bother to get dressed. Padding around his small room in bare feet, his shirt and belt draped over his chair and pants hanging loose about his hips, he took a seat at his desk and reached for his journal. The Cleric had been right. He felt more clearheaded now that he'd gotten some sleep, and Veon-Zih's advice rang more strongly true in his mind. 

Shon let his musings continue to straighten themselves out as he drew. He would wait, let things come to him. There was no guarantee that Lily would want him like that. The kiss could've just been a curiosity for her, now fulfilled. And so what? They were obviously still friends, and if that was all they were meant to be, so be it. He would take what he could get and be happy with it.

Balancing on the back legs of his chair, Shon stared at the stone of his ceiling. Ryuuko purred, hoping from the desk to his lap, and curled into a ball, obviously more accustomed to afternoon naps than its human. 

That'll be enough... Shon told himself again. Though even in his mind, the words rang hollow. Lily was all he'd ever imagined a perfect partner would be. Beautiful, vibrant, confident, disciplined, strong... his equal. Would there ever really be anyone else to compare? Just being near her made him want to move, take action. He felt more sociable and... warm... Like her heat was melting a part of him he'd hadn't realized had been frozen solid.

And what if she did want him? Want more? Shon sighed, leaning still further back and closing his eyes. If she really did want him... He would hold on and never let go.

A sharp knock sounded at his door, and Shon fell over the back of his chair with a clatter and hiss from Ryuuko.

***

Lily flinched as something heavy fell over with a crash behind the door. A moment later, Shon pulled the door open, his hair disheveled and pants held up with one hand. Looking past him, Lily saw his chair turned over and his journal laying out on his desk, with Ryuuko flying in circles around the ceiling, chittering angrily. 

“Lily?” he asked, leaning out the door and looking both ways down the hall, “You’re not supposed to be in here.”

Even now he was concerned about the rules... And breaking them... “I know, but…” Lily bit her lip and looked away. She'd seen him shirtless before, just a few days ago, and yet she was finding it hard not to stare. “I wanted to talk to you…” she finished lamely.

Shon smiled at her, “Let me get some boots.” he closed the door softly, and Lily leaned against the opposite wall, wringing her hands behind her back. They'd spoken like everything was normal at breakfast and while doing their drills and tumbles. But something was different. She could feel it like a swelling pressure in her chest. Something other than her news was making her nervous.

Shon reappeared, slinging his sword over his shoulder, his light undershirt tucked in, and boots firmly laced. He arched an eyebrow at her, and she couldn’t help but giggle at the expression. Ryuuko took its place on his shoulder, still clicking angrily. Shon looked away from her to glare at the pseudodragon, who snapped at his nose and flew off down the stairs to the rest of the fortress.

Taking his hand, Lily pulled Shon away from the stairs that would take them after the little dragon and instead led him to the spiral stairs to the bell tower. He didn’t ask her anything as they walked but also didn’t let go of her hand. Was it her imagination, or was his thumb rubbing the back of her hand?

They reached the landing, and Lily let him go. It was more difficult than she wanted to admit. She left him behind her and stared out at the sun already starting to dip towards setting. It was only first bell, but in just a few more hours, it would be dark. She wondered if winter was like this farther south as well.

“Lily?” Shon finally prompted.

She turned, leaning against one of the pillars that held the roof in place, letting the sun shine across Shon’s face. He already looked worried and she hadn’t even said anything yet.

Lily sighed, staring at the ground between them so she wouldn’t have to see the fear in his blue eyes like the others. “Master Velona is going to take me on pilgrimage with her.”

“What?” he breathed, and she watched his feet step closer, “Lily, that’s great!” her head shot up to find the largest smile she'd ever seen from him.

Her heart pounded in her chest, and she could feel her excitement build again. Pushing off the wall she threw her arms out wide to take in all around her, “I know! I get to see the entire kingdom! All of it!”

“And Master Veon-Zih says Master Velona is amazing with the staff. This is perfect for you!” he ran his hand through his hair, but the motion didn’t look like it was caused by stress like usual. He was still smiling.

Lily’s breath caught in her throat as she watched him. Finally, she laughed, more at herself than anything, “You’re making this very difficult, you know that?”

Shon’s face fell, then he arched a silent brow in question.

Lily giggled, then sighed, leaning back and clasping her hands behind her. To resist touching him. “I’m really excited, but you’re the only one who's actually happy for me…” she looked away again, trying to distract herself.

“I don’t understand,” Shon whispered.

Lily groaned, “I want to kiss you again. More than ever now. I know it's selfish, but I really like you. More than anyone else. I know you don’t want to kiss me back, I just…”

Shon closed the distance between them and lifted her face in both his cold hands, “Why do you keep assuming I don’t want to?” 

Lily searched his face, her eyes darting back and forth between his, “Thom said you wouldn’t. That it was against the rules. I know this is the most important thing to you, and-”

He silenced her with a kiss. His lips were like icicles and just as smooth, somehow unable to melt in her mouth. She reached her arms around and curled her fingers in his shirt, pulling him closer. Shon pressed against her, pinning her to the wall with his body. His hands traced back into her hair, and she moaned. This was it, everything she'd ever or would ever want, right here on this tower. Alone with him.

Lily trailed her hands up his chest, careful not to push him as she laced her fingers up the back of his head. Even his hair was cold. She wished it was longer so she could grip it as easily as he did hers. She breathed him in, opening her mouth to taste his tongue. “Lily…” he breathed her name against her lips, and she whined, pulling him closer, wanting him to press harder.

But Shon stopped. Resting his forehead against hers, he tilted his lips away and whispered, “Why me? You could have anyone.”

Lily shook her head, shaking his with her, “I don’t want anyone else.” she stroked his cheek, urging him to kiss her again.

He did, but a moment later stopped again, hesitating, “Thom was right. This is against the rules…”

“It's a stupid rule,” Lily said, but let her hands slide back down to his chest, sure he was going to step away.

“Very stupid,” he growled and kissed her again, pressing her harder and pinning her arms between them. Even pulling her hair a little. She melted into him. Something about him made her feel calm. Like it was okay to just be still and... be... Like the fire in her soul was being soothed by his very proximity.

She wanted to take everything he would give her and then some, to live the rest of her life like this. But that wasn’t what he wanted. Not really. She pushed, just a little, and Shon was gone.

Bracing his hands on the pillar, he took a step back, resting his head on her shoulder, breathing deep shaking breaths. Lily stroked the top of his head. “I don’t want to get you in trouble,” she said.

Shon nuzzled into her neck, taking one last deep breath then, saying, “Too late.” before chuckling to himself.

Lily laughed and tried to smother it with her other hand, still petting the top of his head as it bobbed on her shaking shoulder. She'd never seen him like this, and hadn't thought she could love him more until she had.

Catching her breath, she sighed, “I know you want to be a Paladin, and you still have a year here,” he pulled away from her, searching for something in her eyes. She smiled, moving to stroke his cheek again, “I don’t want to do anything that jeopardizes that dream. But when you're done, wherever you go and whatever you do, I want to do it with you.”

“I don’t know-” Shon started, and Lily silenced him with another kiss, short and fast this time.

“I’ll find you.” she said, “If you still want me by then.”

Shon laughed, pulling her off the wall and holding her tight to his chest, “You’re more likely to find someone than I am. You’re going to see the world!” he nuzzled into her hair, breathing deep and holding her tight, “Just… tell me okay? If you find someone else?”

Lily rubbed her cheek against his and giggled, “Only if you do the same.” she knew she wouldn’t find anyone like Shon. No one with his strength and faith in her, with his slight smile or his eyes. She couldn’t imagine wanting anything else.

“Deal,” Shon said, then cupped her cheek and leaned forward to kiss her again.

Ryuuko flew between them, twittering and turning in the air to hover and hiss angrily at Shon for leaving it behind. Shon actually growled at the little dragon, and Lily laughed, "I'm sorry little one, but you did fly ahead on your own."

Shon ran his hand through his hair, and Ryuuko landed on Shon's shoulder with an indignant whistle, wrapping its tail tight around his neck. Shon's grumble was low enough that Lily wasn't sure she heard it right, "So much for some alone time..."